At Play and In Love
by MacPeeWee
Summary: I accidentally deleted my story, so had to upload the whole story again. Harris and Barba.
1. Chapter 1

Brooklyn ADA Rafael Barba sank into his button tuck leather office chair as he reviewed the notes from his most recent courtroom victory. It was an illustrious win for him, and he was certain that his profile would soon rise higher in the eyes of the DA. As he flipped through his case files, a loud knock at his office door interrupted his concentration. "Come in," he said, not lifting his eyes from his files. Immersed in his work, he didn't notice that the door didn't open until there was another knock at the door. This time, the sound was louder, with a pause in between each knock. Irritated at the distraction, Rafael sighed as he pushed back his chair and got up to answer the door, wondering who it could be at this hour, certain that everyone else had already gone home for the weekend.

Rafael opened the door to Captain Steven Harris, quite possibly one of the most imposing men he had ever met.

"Counselor," Steve said, drawing out the word dramatically. "A police captain has to knock twice before you decide to open the door to him?" Steve said, as he brushed past Rafael.

"Captain Harris, how nice of you to stop by. To what do I owe the pleasure?"

"I just wanted to stop by and commend you on your victory in court today," Steve said. "Quite the dramatic performance, I must say. Very impressive. Very...ballsy."

"I do my best," Rafael said, the corner of his mouth twitching into an involuntary smile.

Steve strode back to the door, bumping into Rafael, purposefully causing him to stumble. He closed the door and flicked the deadbolt and turned back to Rafael, eyeing him from head to toe.

Rafael's heart thudded at the sound of the deadbolt being turned and locked. Steve walked over to him, his long legs crossing the room in only a few strides, and stood less than a foot away, invading his personal space. Rafael stood his ground, unflinching, and refusing to look up at his face. He stared at Steve's neck, now mere inches away from him.

"You should know that about me by now, Captain Harris. Everybody else seems to have recognized my talents," Rafael said, pausing for effect, "in the courtroom. What seems to be your problem?"

Steve looked down at Rafael and smirked. He quickly put on a stern expression, placed one hand on Rafael's forehead, cupped his chin with the other, tilted his head back, and forced him to look up at him. Rafael's face flushed with humiliation, he hated when Steve would use his height advantage over him. Steve, at 6'4, clearly enjoyed being significantly taller than Rafael, who _claimed_ to be 5'9. Either way, it didn't much matter to Steve, he adored everything about Rafael including his comparatively tiny stature, but he only teased him about it when he felt like getting a rise out of him.

"Did no one teach you that when you are speaking to an authority the protocol is to look them in the eyes? One would think that with that illustrious education of yours, you would have some understanding of the most basic manners."

"I reserve manners and societal niceties to those I deem worthy, Captain." Rafael's eyes narrowed, but didn't blink as he matched Steve in a staring contest.

 _Cocky little fucker._ "Really? I come out of my way to congratulate you and you treat me so rudely?" He bent his knees to make himself eye level with Rafael and glared, his hand tightening his grip on his chin. There was no way the little bastard was going to get away with such arrogance. Steve's stare was unrelenting and he tilted Rafael's head back a little further, prepared to wait him out. _He needs to be taught a lesson._

A smile crept across Steve's face when Rafael finally blinked and swallowed. "I thought as much," he said, jerking him by the chin. "I had something special planned for you. I came all this way, only to be treated in such a rude manner. It's very unbecoming of you." He grabbed him by the back of his neck and pulled him even closer.

"What exactly did you have planned for me?" Rafael asked.

Steve felt his cock begin to throb and strain against his silk boxers. No one had ever turned him on like this before. Sometimes, just the very sight of Rafael was a recipe for a raging hard on. He was so intensely sexy, yet, he played coy well. Very well. Steve grabbed Rafael's hand and pressed it against his trousers. "I don't think that you deserve any accolades now, after speaking to me with such disrespect." He undid the button and zipper on his pants and forced Rafael's hand to fondle him through his boxers.

"Umm... oh..." Rafael squeaked, feeling Steve's semi hardened cock twitch in his hand. "I didn't mean to be -"

Steve removed Rafael's hand and pulled him into a tight bear hug. The smell of his cologne, Armani's Acqua Di Gio, made him want to rip off his suit and take him forcibly right then and there. Instead, he thrust his hardened cock into his stomach and slapped his face. "Don't lie to me. You were being very rude." The tiny gasping noise Rafael made aroused Steve even further, so he slapped him again before spinning him around and twisting his arm behind his back. "What do you have to say for yourself now?" Steve hissed, as he bent down and nipped behind his ear and bit at his earlobe.

"I'm sorry, Captain." Rafael winced in pain, but felt himself becoming aroused, curious to find out what Steve's plans for him were.

"That's better. You'd better watch the way you speak to me from now on," Steve said, twisting his arm a little more for emphasis. He let go of Rafael's arm and held him by his throat. He relished the feeling of the ribbed texture of Rafael's trachea against his fingers. Knowing that he was now in complete control turned him on and he was keenly aware of the amount of trust that Rafael had placed in him. Steve squeezed his neck, in awe of how he literally held Rafael's life in one hand.

His other hand made its way to Rafael's crotch and groped his cock. He unbuttoned his fly and yanked his zipper down and slid his hand slowly up his side and one by one, slipped his suspenders off. Groaning, he tugged Rafael's pants and briefs down. He released him and shoved him towards the desk.

Rafael tripped over his feet and fell, making a funny little gasping sound as he hit the floor. Steve stood over him and hesitated, he hadn't meant to make him fall, but he didn't utter the safe word, so he pounced upon him like a lion would its prey. He rolled him onto his back and lay on top of him, savouring the moment before devouring his feast. Rafael whimpered as he lay on his back looking up at him. His green eyes blinked, rather seductively, and his quivering bottom lip was driving Steve to the brink of insanity. He grabbed Rafael's wrists and pinned them over his head, holding them together with one strong hand.

Steve ground against him and stared at Rafael's sexy pout, which was enough to make him want to explode. The way his upper lip protruded a bit from his lower one drove him wild. He violently thrust his hips against him taking pleasure in the moans Rafael emitted. The man's mouth was insanely sexy, and when Rafael bit his lower lip, Steve could no longer hold back. He pressed his mouth against Rafael's and bit at his upper lip, relishing the surprised whimpers coming from him. His tongue traced around his lips before forcing its way into Barba's mouth, brushing against his teeth and jabbing at his throat.

Rafael felt his cock come to life as Steve ravaged his mouth and thrust against him. Steve's brutal assault on his mouth was intense, relentless, and a major turn on. Steve showed him no mercy as his mouth deftly moved from Rafael's lips, to his neck, and back to his mouth. He was in such complete control and moved so quickly that Rafael didn't have time to react and return the favor. All he could do was lie there and accept whatever Steve decided to do to him. After a long, hard week in court, relinquishing control was exactly what he needed.

Steve finally took a break to breath. He let go of Rafael's wrists and propped himself up, his hands on the floor beside Rafael's head. "Would you like to find out what I had planned for you now?" he asked, panting, his forehead slick with a sheen of sweat.

"Yes. Yes... please."

"That's good, so polite."

Steve stood and hauled him to his feet. He forced him over to the desk and bent him over it, with one hand on the back of Rafael's neck, he held him in place. Rafael groaned when papers from his desk fell and scattered on the floor. Steve gripped his neck tighter and lightly slammed his face into the wood. "Never mind," he said. He pushed down his trousers and boxers enough to allow his cock to spring out, as if it had a life of its own, and knew what it wanted.

His other hand reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a small container of lube. He squeezed some onto himself, and ran his hand up and down his length. His finger wiped the excess lube in and around Rafael's entrance. He felt Rafael tighten around his finger so he applied a little more lube and inserted two fingers into him and brushed his prostrate.

"Relax," he whispered to him. The tiny whimpers coming from Rafael caused Steve's cock to throb and pulsate. Gently, he pressed his throbbing head against his entrance and eased into him, eliciting the sexiest moans, gasps, and whimpers from Rafael.

Rafael's writhing and moans were enough to make Steve want to thrust his entire length into him and pound him mercilessly. But, he maintained self control and entered him slowly, allowing Rafael to adjust to his girth. Steve groaned as he slid in deeper, little by little, feeling the tightness of Rafael around his hard and slick cock.

Rafael gasped and wriggled under him, creating even more pleasure for Steve. The sight of him writhing as he was forcibly pressed up against the desk was nearly enough to make Steve blow his load. "Stop squirming," he hissed.

Steve fucked him, slow and gentle to start, but soon increased his pace and thrust deeper and deeper, encouraged by his moans of pleasure. Rafael couldn't take much more, and he reached down in an attempt to touch his own throbbing cock.

"No," Steve said, and pinned his wrist to the desk. "Don't you dare."

Rafael moaned and whimpered pathetically, just the way Steve liked. Steve had planned to take his time, but he knew that he couldn't contain himself much longer. After all, sometimes a quick, hard fuck was just as satisfying as a long, slow one. He pounded into him, forcing Rafael's cheek to slide on the desk. Steve felt pressure building in his cock and he increased his pace, until he exploded in Rafael. Slowly he pulled out and reached around to Rafael's cock and pumped it lazily, forcing him to beg for release.

"Steve. P please."

"What was that?" Steve loosened his grip and slowed down his pace.

"Oh god... Captain... please," Rafael pleaded. "Please..." Rafael impatiently reached for his leaking cock.

"No, I'm in charge here." Steve brushed Rafael's hand away and continued to pump him slowly, his hand wet with his pre cum. Despite his exhaustion, he found the energy to smirk at Rafael's whiny voice and flushed face. "What a whiny little mess you are."

"Come on... not fair..."

"I'll bet you're not so pathetic in front of a judge."

"Captain... I can't take it. Please," Rafael begged.

He finally gave in to Rafael's pathetic pleas. He tightened his grip on his pulsing cock and fingered him on the underside of its head. He increased his tempo and finally allowed Rafael to explode, his cum sprayed the floor, as Steve watched in appreciation.

Steve lifted himself off of Rafael and pulled up his boxers and pants. He sank into the chair and pulled him down on top him. The two sat together, each taking a minute to catch their breath.

Steve's fetish of dressing Rafael after sex kicked in. Rafael had found it very odd at first, but now it was something he looked forward to. Even though he had been victorious in court, it had been a long, hard day, and he needed to be looked after. Steve smoothed out Rafael's ruffled hair and wiped his bottom with some take out napkins. He pulled up Rafael's briefs and pants, zipped him up, and tucked his shirt into his pants. Steve gave him a quick kiss, straightened his tie, and pulled his suspenders back over his shoulders. "Good as new."

Rafael returned his kiss and reached for napkin to clean up the mess on the floor. Steve bent down and took the napkin from him. "I'll get it," he said, smiling.

Rafael kissed his cheek and massaged his shoulders while he wiped up the evidence. Rafael collected the files that had fallen to the floor and straightened up his desk. He began to read over one last file; Steve reached over and took the papers from his hands and put them on the desk. He hugged him tight and kissed the top of his head. "Put your work away, Rafael. We have dinner reservations in an hour."


	2. Chapter 2

Rafael was thrilled when Steve informed him that he had made dinner reservations at The Dynasty, a Chinese restaurant on Lexington Avenue. It was one of Rafael's favorites, not because it was the most fashionable restaurant in town, but because it where he and Steve had their first official date.

He smiled remembering the first date jitters he had that night two years ago, as he climbed into the back of the cab. Steve slid into the backseat beside him and squeezed his knee, leaned over and gave him a quick peck on the cheek.

As they walked into the restaurant, Steve was practically glowing with happiness. He touched Rafael's shoulder and wrapped his arm around him as they were led to their table.

"I am so proud of you," Steve said, after the waiter filled their water glasses and delivered menus. He took Rafael's hands in his. "Everyone thought it would be impossible to win today, but I knew you could do it. You helped to make the world a little safer tonight."

"It was a tough win. I'm just glad that the guy was convicted. The jury did the right thing, it wasn't just me."

"Give yourself some credit now. You did an amazing job. _You_ are amazing, Rafael. Not to mention, incredibly sexy. My world is better because you're in it."

"Oh, come on. Now you're just trying to sweet talk me. You just want to get into my pants," Rafael laughed. "Not that that's a problem." Though he was not the type to become easily embarrassed, Rafael's face flushed a deep shade of red.

"It's all true. But, you're partially correct. I do love to sweet talk you, and yes, I love getting into your pants."

"Well, you're not too bad yourself. You're pretty much the smartest, sexiest man I know," Rafael said, as he slid his shoe off and ran his foot up Steve's leg.

"Oh?" Steve replied. "Who's sweet talking who now?" he asked, smiling. He circled his index finger in Rafael's palm, making him blush even deeper, which endeared him to Steve even more. There was no doubt that Steve's heart was completely enraptured by Rafael, and the feeling was quite mutual.

So engaged in their flirtation they had forgotten to look through the menu. When the waiter arrived Rafael giggled while Steve ordered some favorite dishes from memory. Most people who knew him would have never believed their eyes seeing Rafael giggle the way he was, but being around Steve made him feel giddy. It was a side of him that most people didn't get to see. He protected his image as an aggressive attorney passionately, but around Steve, he could let loose and show all facets of himself. Rafael's laugh was contagious and Harris couldn't help but laugh with him. Any person sitting nearby would have sworn that the two were on a first date.

"You know how my day went, how was yours?" Rafael asked, after he regained his composure.

"Well, let's just say that visiting you at your office was most defiantly the highlight of my day. That, and this moment right now."

"There you go again with the sweet talk. It's not like you have to work too hard to get me into bed anymore."

"Come on now. I was the one fighting you off, if I recall correctly."

Rafael feigned shock. "What? You wanted me the moment you set your eyes on me. I _finally_ gave in and figured that you deserved a shot after you worked so hard pursuing me. Really, I had no choice but to just give in to you. I'm charitable like that."

"I pursued you? You wanted me. You're the one who did the pursuing. Showing up at my office at all hours. Making excuses to "run" into me. Giggling like a school girl. You may have well have been dropping things to the floor, just so you'd have to bend over to pick them up in front of me. I just finally gave you a pity date, you poor, pathetic thing."

"You're right, I was pathetic, wasn't I?" Rafael said with a smile. "Remember when I used the old, 'I forgot my toothbrush at your place' line? I'm lucky you even gave me a chance."

"Yes," Steve said, laughing and fingering Rafael's palm again. He rolled his eyes dramatically. "I couldn't believe when you did that. Very pathetic. Like a lost puppy. But, also very, very cute and, quite adorable."

"Cute? Adorable? Really? I'm almost 40 years old!"

"Alright, how about sexy? Hot? Pick an adjective."

"Hmm… better. What about debonair? Charming?"

"Rafael," he said flatly, "those mean the same thing. But yes, charming and debonair. But, above all, very cute and adorable."

"Steve, cute and adorable mean the same thing." Rafael smiled and kicked him lightly under the table. "Ok, cute. 40 years old and my lover thinks I'm cute. That's sad," he said.

"Actually, I said _very_ cute. You left out the very."

"But seriously, what about the rest of your day? How is going with that case you were on?"

"It's a tough one. Really tough, I don't know if there's going to be enough to bring the case to trial. I hope so, but I have my doubts. But, we agreed no shop talk tonight, remember?"

Rafael smiled, he admired Steve's ability to leave stresses at work when he needed to. Steve provided a much needed calming presence for Rafael who tended to take things personally and let the stress of his job get to him. Of course there were days when Steve brought his work home with him, but somehow, he usually managed to keep things in perspective. Steve was relaxed by nature, and a perfect counterpoint to Rafael's intensity.

Though they seemed to be an unlikely pair, they were just about as perfect for each other as two people could possibly be. It was cliché, but they truly brought out the best in one another and balanced out the worst. Steve taught Rafael to laugh and to not take everything so seriously. He allowed him to show his softer side, and when they were together, Rafael didn't have to put up his usual fronts.

Rafael meanwhile brought out Steve's tenderness, passion, and ability to show affection. They easily matched each other's wit, though Rafael tended to have a slightly sharper tongue, which both shocked and thrilled Steve.

Most people that knew Rafael would have never have guessed that he would be the submissive partner in his and Steve's relationship when they "played." Not all of their sex was kinky though, in fact, most of the time it was quite vanilla; tender and passionate. However, they enjoyed their down and dirty, kinky sex greatly, and together they had worked to discover what each other's boundaries were. These boundaries sometimes varied and grew as time with one another went on.

After dating for a few months, Steve wasn't all that surprised by Rafael's submissiveness. He soon sensed that Rafael spent his day "acting" the role of a cheeky, ballsy attorney. Any co-worker of Rafael's would swear that he was a dominant, alpha male type person, but Steve knew that that was only one layer of him.

It was just as Jaques said in Shakespeare's _As You Like It,_ said, "All the world's a stage, And all the men and women merely players, They have their exits and their entrances, And one man in his time plays many parts."

In Steve's eyes, it was almost predictable that Rafael would be the sub. Cocky and arrogant at work and when on display, yet, soft and submissive in personal time. Every day Rafael played a role and Steve could see the stress on his face at the end of the day. As their relationship became more established, it was clear that when Rafael allowed Steve to take the lead in things, his stress levels went down. It didn't mean that he was voiceless in the relationship. Steve made sure that he considered Rafael's wants and needs in day to day decisions, and he always put him first.

The role playing had started slowly, and without being put into words. For the longest time the pair simply went with what felt right. Rafael loved to snuggle into Steve and cuddle, and when their relationship developed past kissing and cuddling, Rafael was upfront when he explained to Steve that he preferred to be penetrated.

* * *

After nearly six months of dating, it was Rafael who first brought up the idea of bringing role play into their relationship. Steve wasn't altogether surprised by his suggestion, he had noticed Rafael's intense reaction when he had held his arms to the bed while making love or when he would roll him around on the bed. It wasn't long before Rafael was putting his arms above his head on his own accord, enticing Steve to pin him down. He loved the reaction from Rafael, his moaning, groaning, and writhing was guaranteed to get him hard. Rafael allowed Steve to manhandle him, and he would become clearly aroused when he would kiss him roughly and toss him about the bed.

Things stayed like that for a while until one night when they sat watching TV. Rafael was curled up against Steve and outright asked him, "Have you ever thought of just tossing me around, and having your way with me?"

Steve was taken aback by his bluntness. Of course he had thought about that. _How did he read my mind?_ Unsure of how to respond, he said, "No, I'd never do anything to hurt you or do anything that you didn't want." He gave him the politically correct answer, wheels spinning in his mind, wondering why he would ask such a thing. Although it had been ever so subtly hinted at in the past, the question seemed to come from right out of nowhere. _What did he mean by that?_ Steve looked into Rafael's eyes and stroked his arm. He saw his beautiful green eyes flicker and look downcast, almost disappointed.

"What if I wanted to?" Rafael asked. "Just to try it. Would you want to?" He bit his bottom lip and looked up nervously into Steve's eyes trying to assess his reaction.

"Sure, we could try that," Steve said, taking a deep breath. He stroked his hair gently for a moment before he suddenly lunged forward and threw him down. "Do you mean like this?" he asked, as he crawled on top of him and wrestled his arms over his head, slamming them to the bed. Rafael let out a quiet gasp when Steve had leapt upon him and forced him down to the mattress. Steve grew hard as he looked down at Rafael's widened eyes and quivering lips.

"Yeah," Rafael whispered, as he licked his lips and swallowed, his breath loud, fast, and shallow. "Like that," he said, closing his eyes, focusing on his growing arousal and the feeling of Steve's cock, large and hard against his thighs.

* * *

After they finished their meal and bottle of wine, they headed back to Steve's apartment. He poured them each a night cap, scotch of course, put on some music, and lit some candles. He pulled Rafael off the couch and into his arms, and led him as they slow danced together, the lights of New York illuminating the room.

Steve breathed deeply, taking in Rafael's scent as he wrapped his arms around him. Rafael closed his eyes and smiled contentedly in the loving embrace of his best friend and lover. He leaned his head against Steve's chest, who held him tightly, one arm around his waist, the other around his shoulders. Rafael stood on his tip toes and reached up to kiss his neck.

"Let's go to bed," Steve said. "Can we play in the morning? I'm beat."

Rafael nodded into Steve's chest and looked up into his eyes, utterly and completely in love. He wanted nothing more than to spend every last moment with him, and there was no other place he wanted to be. He knew that he wanted to spend the rest of his life right by his side. "Yeah, I'm tired too. Can't wait until the morning though."

Steve led him to the bedroom, holding his hand and never wanting to let go. They undressed and hung their clothes on the back of a chair. It seemed trite, but Rafael loved the thought of his suit folded over Steve's. He smiled and turned to him, arms outstretched for a hug that his entire being needed desperately. He laughed when he saw that Steve too had his arms wide reaching for him. Steve bent down and picked him up, holding him so that they were face to face. Rafael leaned forward and kissed him before Steve lowered him to the floor and pulled him onto the bed.

They lay face to face, chest against chest, inhaling one another's breath, their arms intertwined. Steve kissed Rafael's forehead, intoxicated by his steady breath and heartbeat.

"I love you," Rafael said. He turned over and closed his eyes as Steve's body enveloped his.

Steve rubbed Rafael's chest, and tilted his head down to kiss his head. "I love you too."


	3. Chapter 3

Steve opened his eyes and slowly drank in his surroundings. The sun had poked through the crack in the black out curtains, casting a diagonal sliver of light in Rafael's hair. If he could have things his way he would wake up every morning next to him. He decided that he should ask Rafael about moving in together soon. It had been nearly two years now, and perhaps it was time to take the next step. Snuggling in a little closer he placed a soft kiss at the nape of his sleeping lover's neck.

He rolled out of bed, careful not to disturb Rafael and gently pulled the blankets up over his bare shoulders. It wasn't until he had nearly finished his morning routine in the bathroom that he remembered the brief conversation between them about playing together in the morning. Spitting out his mouthwash into the sink and wiping the remnants of shaving cream off of his face he wondered how to initiate things. Rafael was still asleep, and lord knows, after the busy week he had, he probably needed to sleep in. On the other hand, Rafael himself had said that he couldn't wait until the morning for their play session, and now, it was morning. His debate with himself ended when he walked into the bathroom, still naked, yawning, and stretching.

"Mmm…" Was all Rafael could muster, eyes half closed.

"Morning," Steve said, wrapping him arms around him to give him a quick hug.

"I have to pee," he muttered, pulling away as Steve reached out and swatted his ass.

"Nice hair."

"Mmm…" Rafael whined. "Go away."

"All yours, sunshine," Steve teased, planting a kiss on his forehead just to annoy him. He headed back to the bedroom as Rafael let out a loud, exasperated sigh.

Rummaging through the bedside table drawer, Steve pulled out the home made velcro hand cuffs, they had made for special occasions and hid them under his pillow. Rafael was to never know when the handcuffs would be put to use, the role play was more intense when he didn't know what Steve had planned for him. His cheekiness in the bathroom was the perfect excuse to punish him.

Usually, it was up to Steve to decide the direction their play was going to take, and it was up to Rafael to play along, with as little direction as possible. Steve would employ key words and phrases which would indicate to Rafael the direction he was to take. Sometimes, Steve wanted him to lay passively and take whatever came his way, at other times, he wanted him to pretend to protest. However, the play that turned them each on the most was when Steve wanted Rafael to use all of his strength to fight back.

They had a safe word system in place; green for keep going, yellow for keep going, but ease off, and red for stop. Steve knew Rafael's limits, and this morning, he planned to push him to the edge of his boundaries.

Rafael soon returned and sat on the bed, groaning and shading his eyes from the glint of sunlight.

"Are you awake now?" Steve asked him.

"I need another half hour."

Steve sat beside him and decided to take matters into his own hand right then and there, his stiffening cock couldn't wait much longer. He playfully slapped the inside of Rafael's thigh. "Come on darling. It's a beautiful morning."

"Sometimes, I just hate you. Like right about now, for example." Rafael turned to pull the blankets down and climb back into bed.

Steve reached for his shoulders and legs, tossed him to the bed, and crawled on top of him. He held Rafael's arms beside his head and kissed him roughly forcing his tongue into his mouth. His hard cock rubbed against Rafael's thighs as he gyrated on top of him.

"Umm… not now, Steve. I need to sleep."

"You want me to stop?" Steve asked him, slowing down his thrusts and kissing behind his ear.

"Yeah."

"Too bad."

"Stop."

"Make me," Steve hissed, biting Rafael's earlobe.

Rafael tried to move his arms but Steve's grip was too strong. He put each of his legs around Rafael's and squeezed them together tightly and increased the pace of his thrusts, fucking his smooth thighs and watched, amused and aroused, as Rafael tried to free his arms. It was a turn on to have a partner so much smaller than himself. Rafael was small enough to not only be easily thrown around and manhandled, but also to be held comfortably in his lap in more tender moments.

Steve moved up in the bed and thrust his cock against Rafael's crotch. Lowering himself, he let the full weight of his body rest on him, crushing his body beneath his. Groin to groin, Rafael's head barely scraped Steve's shoulders and under his weight his face was squashed against his chest. He managed to turn his head sideways, his cheeks flattened between the mattress and Steve's chest.

Steve listened carefully to the gasps from Rafael and when his breaths became harsh and ragged, he eased his weight off of him.

"Are you going to fight me off, or are you just going to let me have my way with you?" he growled, loosening his grip on his wrists.

"Get off of me," Rafael replied, placing his hands on his chest and tried unsuccessfully to shove him. He took a deep breath and pushed as him as hard as he could, unable to even budge him. "Get. Off."

"Is that it? That's all you've got?" Steve asked.

Slick with sweat, their chests rubbed together in the struggle. The sound of skin slapping against skin and their rapid, hungry breaths filled the air. Adrenaline flowed as each of their hearts pounded loud enough for the other to hear.

The weight of Steve on top of him and the sensation of being trapped beneath the immense man, of being at his mercy, turned Rafael on. His cock swelled and he could tell from the smile that crept across his face that Steve felt it too.

"Please, I don't want to do this. Stop it."

Steve grabbed his arms and pinned them roughly above his head. "No."

"You bastard."

"You little whore. You wanted this all along."

"No," Rafael breathed, twisting his wrists in Steve's powerful grasp.

Steve smirked at Rafael's sass, surprised at the fight he was putting up. The feel of him writhing and trying to fight him off only furthered his desire to control the cocky little attorney. Letting go of one of Rafael's wrists, he raised his hand and slapped his face.

"Ow," Rafael cried, instinctively raising his hand to his cheek.

Steve quickly grabbed the velcro handcuffs from the bedside table and before Rafael realized what was happening, his wrists were cuffed tightly together. Once his wrists were bound together, Steve tied the handcuffs to the headboard and lay down, cock hard and pressing against Rafael's thighs. Fingers entwined in his hair, Steve skimmed his tongue behind his ear and breathed on his neck as Rafael twisted and moaned beneath him.

"Get off of me," Rafael begged, trying to free his arms and rattling the headboard. "Let me go."

"Stop that whining, Rafael," Steve ordered and slapped his face, eliciting a soft whimper to escape from his throat. He clamped his large hand over Rafael's mouth and stared at him, thoroughly enjoying the sound of his muffled protests. Squishing his cheeks, he forced Rafael's delicate mouth into a pucker.

Leaning down, Steve bit and sucked at Rafael's top lip and stared in his eyes while his hand slid slowly to his throat. Exerting the tiniest amount of pressure, he watched as Rafael's thick eyelashes brush against his lower eyelids.

"Keep your eyes open. Look at me," Steve instructed him. Slowly and steadily, he increased the pressure on Barba's neck who writhed and kicked beneath him. To give him a chance to take a few breaths, he eased his stranglehold slightly and listened to him desperately take in air.

"Don't," Rafael rasped, before he squeezed his throat again.

Harris's position as a dom came with responsibility, it wasn't just about getting off on hurting Rafael. It was his duty to monitor him carefully. They of course used a safe word system, but in play like this, Steve also had to use his instincts to determine when Rafael was reaching his limit which in this case was before passing out. Breath play was a favorite kink of both of theirs. Each knew that it came with risks and that it could be extremely dangerous if not handled carefully. One wrong move could cause serious injury.

Rafael's eyes blinked wildly and his kicks slowed down as he began to teeter on the edge of his limit. Gasping for air, he looked up at Steve with desperate, wide eyes and shook his head twice to the right, their code for 'stop', when he was unable to speak. Steve pulled his hand off of his neck and scrambled off of him. Coughing and sputtering, Rafael's chest heaved as his lungs desperately sucked in air.

"Are you ok?" Steve asked.

Rafael lay looking up at him gasping, unable to formulate a word. He nodded his head, needing a moment to catch his breath. Steve detached the handcuffs from the headboard and pulled him up, his arm wrapped around his shoulders. Rafael leaned into Steve's broad shoulders, his breath loud and heavy.

"Green. I'm fine," he said.

"Oh, god. Rafael." He gripped his chin and turned his head towards him, leaned in and studied his eyes. "Are you sure?" he asked, as he stroked and examined his throat.

"I promise," he said, closing his eyes and lying down. He placed his arms over his head and allowed Steve to pick up where they left off.

Resuming his position on top of him, Steve sucked on Rafael's bottom lip, the tip of his tongue traced the outline of his lips and skimmed his gums. He squeezed his thighs with his and thrust against him until he was on the brink of cumming.

It was far too early for Steve's fun to end, he wanted to make the scene last, so he sat up, pulled Rafael onto his lap, and turned him over his knees. In slow motion, he raised his hand in the air and brought it down on his bare ass. Rafael let out a cry and the force of the smack pushed him forward on Steve's lap.

"Stop." Rafael pleaded. "Please."

Rafael's arms hung in the air and he felt blood rush to his head as he dangled over Steve's knees. Staring at his legs through the gap between the bed and Steve's legs he wriggled around, trying to find a somewhat comfortable position. Caught between Steve's thighs, his hardened cock ached in desperate need for attention, but he knew better than to reach for it. The arousal he experienced almost made up for the pain he was enduring. He gasped as his hand hit him again and again, settling into a steady rhythm, the sound of skin being slapped a counterpoint to Rafael's whines.

"You were very bad this morning. You need to be taught a lesson." Steve raised his hand and hit him again, pausing to admire the pink spreading across Rafael's ass. He brought his hand down violently, eliciting loud sobs from Rafael. "What do you have to say," _smack_ "for yourself?" _smack._

"I'm sorry," Rafael said, sniffling. Tears welled in his eyes and dropped like tiny raindrops to the floor. "I'll be good. I promise," he said, turning his head to wipe his tears on his arm.

"That's better. Much better," Steve said, raising his hand to deliver one last spank. He pushed the weeping Rafael unceremoniously off of his lap to the floor. Spreading his legs, he leaned forward and grabbed his arm, drawing him to his knees. His hand gripped the back of Rafael's head and forced it between his legs. "Now, make it up to me."

Steve thrust his hips forward and shoved the head of his cock into his mouth. Rafael looked up at him as tears dribbled from his eyes and down his cheeks.

"Stop that fucking crying. Do you want me to take you over my knee again?"

Rafael shook his head slightly, his heart pounded in his chest as he delicately swirled the tip of his tongue around Steve's throbbing head, flicked the underside of his tip, and tightened his lips around him. He looked up at him nervously, desperately wanting to please him. Moaning, he opened his mouth wider as Steve slipped deeper into him.

Steve's entire body shuddered as he thrust himself into Rafael's mouth. Taking shallow breath he listened to the sound of his moans and sucking lips. Heart rate increasing, he gripped Rafael's hair tighter, and pulled his head closer. "Rafael," he moaned, closing his eyes. He thrust lightly into his mouth, his cock wet and pulsating. Opening his eyes he looked down at him, licking and sucking as if his very life depended upon satisfying him. Tears mixed with saliva when they ran down his cheeks to his chin, but the only noises coming from Rafael were the soft sucking sounds of his mouth taking in Harris's cock.

On the edge of ecstasy, Steve increased his pace and thrust harder into him, ignoring the chocking sounds as he forced his cock deeper and deeper. Rafael tightened his lips and sucked harder, trying not to gag as Steve hit the back of his throat. He lifted his hands and gently tugged at the base of Steve's balls. Moaning, he thrust into him one last time, shooting his load of cum into Rafael's mouth.

"Rafael," he groaned, maintaining his grip on his scalp. He gasped for breath and looked down at Barba as a thin stream of cum dribbled from the corner of his mouth, mixing with his saliva and tears. Letting go of his head, he pulled himself away from Rafael and fell back on the bed, panting, and his heart pounding. He propped himself up and gazed down at him, still kneeling on the floor. "Get up," he ordered him.

Mouth dripping with fluids, Rafael did as he was told and stood in front of Steve, his cock hard and needy. "You look like a cheap whore. Face filled with cum and tears, spit running down your chin," Steve hissed at him. "Look at you, your cock hard and waiting. Go ahead, finish yourself off."

Rafael nodded and with bound wrists, he took hold of his cock in his shaking palms and slowly pulled on it. He closed his eyes, knowing that Steve was watching him. His hands fumbled around his dick, the rough texture of the handcuffs scraped against his tender skin. It wasn't an easy to bring himself relief with his hands tied together but it felt good to finally allow his cock to have some attention.

Without warning, Steve grabbed his waist and pulled him onto the bed beside him. He placed on hand over his mouth and pumped his cock, thick and heavy, with the other. Rafael moaned and wriggled, his hips bucking in need, encouraging Steve's hand to move faster. Steve gripped him tighter, his hand sliding up and down faster and faster until Rafael's cock pulsed, throbbed and shot cum, finally receiving the relief it badly needed.

"Steve."

With heavy breaths, they wrapped their arms wrapped tightly around each other. Their heats pounded and their chests glistened with sweat. Exhausted, Rafael closed his eyes and leaned against Steve, feeling his chest move up and down and became lost in the steady rhythm of his breaths. Never wanting to let go, he hugged him tighter and buried his face against his shoulder. "I wish we could stay like this forever," he said.

"Me too," Steve said, pecking his cheek. "Come on, let's go get a shower."

After they showered and had breakfast, Rafael sat straddling Steve's lap and put his arms around him. He leaned forward and lightly kissed his cheek.

"God Rafael, you look gorgeous," Steve said, appreciating Rafael's soft, wool sweater, dark jeans and clean-shaven face.

"You're not bad yourself. I love you," Rafael said, smiling.

"I love you too," Steve said, rubbing Rafael's arms. "Was everything ok this morning? You scared me a little."

"You mean when we did the breath play? I was ok, I just went to the edge is all, but it was good," Rafael said.

"That's good. I have to check in with you every so often."

"There's just one thing, about this morning."

"What?" Steve asked. "Did something bother you?"

Rafael nodded. "Well, it was one thing." He took a deep breath and looked at Steve, whose eyes were full of concern. "It was just, this," Rafael said, taking his hand and squishing Steve's cheeks, laughing as he kissed his forced pucker.

"Just for that, I'm throwing that into my repertoire now." Steve wrapped his arms around him and rubbed the small of his back. "Rafael, I have never been happier in all of my life. I'm crazy about you, do you know that?"

"Of course. You know I feel the same?"

Steve nervously ran his fingers through his hair. "I want to wake up to you lying next to me every morning, for the rest of my life. I want you by my side."

Rafael lifted his head and looked at him. He sucked in his upper lip and touched Steve's cheek. "I do too. I hate being apart from you."

"Rafael, I'm just going to come out and ask. Do you want to move in together?"

Tears sprung to Rafael's eyes as he leaned forward and gave him a hug. "Yes, of course I do!"

"Really? I don't know why, I was so scared of asking you. I was worried you'd say no."

"It's what I want too, more than anything."

They gazed into each other's eyes, their hearts filled with love. Giggling like teenagers, they embraced, looking forward to their future together.

"Rafael, you know what's crazy? Once we get things arranged, I can't wait to tell my parents. My mom will be thrilled, she just loves you. My dad too. We'll take them to dinner and tell them together. How does that sound?"

"That sounds great. Really good," Rafael said, and flashed a quick half smile. Although he was genuinely happy for Steve that his parents are so supportive of him, pangs of sadness overwhelmed him. There was no way his mother would be happy about the situation, in fact, he dreaded the thought of telling her.

Steve noticed his sudden downcast face. "Hey," he said, patting his arms. "Your mom will come around."

"I don't know."

"She'll be fine."

Rafael shrugged his shoulders and looked away. "Your parents will be good with this?"

"Yeah, they will."

"My mom will be mad. She doesn't doesn't understand. She still tells me to call an old girlfriend. I guess she keeps hoping…"

"Give her time. She loves you Rafael."

"I guess. Good thing my dad's dead, he'd beat the hell out of me. He used to throw me into the wall and say, 'that's for being you,' so, I can't imagine what he'd want to do to me now if he knew. It's funny, it was fine for him to do whatever the hell he wanted to me, but, you and me? He'd kill me," Rafael said, laughing half-heartedly.

"No, he wouldn't," Steve said, taking Rafael's left wrist in his hands and massaging it gently. It was a habit of his when Rafael needed comforting, ever since he told him that his father had broken it years ago in a fit of rage. He hated the dead man who hurt his lover so much so that he still had the ability to make Rafael occasionally flinch at sudden movements. "I wouldn't let him."

A single tear-drop clung to Rafael's long eyelashes. "You're so lucky your parents are good."

"I know. I'm very lucky to have you too."

"I wish my family wasn't such a mess," Rafael said. Closing his eyes, the tear detached from his eyelashes and dribbled down his cheek.

Steve watched the tear slowly trickle down Rafael's face to the corner of his mouth before he gently wiped it away. "You're family isn't a mess. Your mom just isn't dealing with things well. Besides, no one's family is perfect. Your mom, give her a chance. It may take some time, it may not be overnight, but she loves you, very much. I know she wants the best for you."

"I guess so. I'm sorry, this is supposed to be a happy day for us."

"It is a happy day, Rafael. It will all work out, I promise."

Rafael sat silently on Steve's lap and bowed his head. He hoped that he was right, but he doubted it. His mom had never been happy when he had been in a relationship with a man. Nearly two years had passed since he and Harris began dating, and still his mother would encourage him to call one of his old girlfriends from the neighborhood, or chastise him for messing things up with Yelena. She had never been outwardly rude to Steve, but she hadn't been overly friendly to him either. Rafael felt guilty, Steve's parents had been so welcoming and loving to him, and his mother wasn't able to return the favor.

"And, Rafael, if she doesn't change her mind, then that's very sad, but we'll deal with that. I love you, and I want to be with you, no one else. Whatever happens I'll be there right beside you."

Rafael smiled. "How is it that you're so wonderful and you always know what to say?"


	4. Chapter 4

Rafael stood and pulled Steve to his feet. "Come on, let's go for a walk." He yawned and stretched his arms over his head. "Or, back to bed."

"We'll go for a walk. I need the exercise," Steve said, patting his stomach.

"So do I. Look," Rafael said, pinching and shaking his tummy.

"Oh come on, Rafael. Please. Look at yourself, you've hardly got anything there. I'm the one who has to get in shape. Especially if I want to hang on to young hottie such as yourself."

"I'm a hottie?"

"Very much so. What's it like out there?"

"Umm, cool," Rafael said, as he pulled on a sweater and passed Harris his jacket.

The late fall air was crisp and Steve wrapped his arm around Rafael's shoulders as they walked. The scent of his cologne reminded him of the first time they met.

* * *

Like a family tree, strategically placed photographs of victims and suspects covered the whiteboard in the Brooklyn Vice squad room. Adizzying maze of different colored arrows and lines connected the pictures in a seemingly illogical manner. The scenario would be justabout indecipherable to an outsider, but to the Brooklyn detectives, the pieces of the story were beginning to come together in a somewhat plausible manner.

"Good work, everyone. The DA thinks we have enough to go to trial. The new ADA is already on his way," said Lieutenant Steven Harris, as he walked across the squad room to the detectives gathered around the whiteboard.

Mere moments later ADA Rafael Barba approached the group and extended his hand to each of them.

"I'm ADA Rafael Barba. The DA informs me that you may have enough to take the Hobson case to trial?"

Steve stood leaning against the wall, paying more attention to the email from the district Chief that had just come across his phone than the new ADA until Rafael approached him. Steve looked down from his phone at him, extended his arm and shook his hand. "I'm Lieutenant Harris. The DA says that we might have enough to take this to trial. He also said that if anyone can put these guys away, you can."

"I'll do my best to prove the DA right, Lieutenant," Rafael said, withdrawing his hand from Steve's to his pocket.

"Well, I'll let the detectives fill you in on the details. If you need anything, I'll be in my office, buried in paperwork," Steve said, waving his arm to the side in the direction of his office.

Steve returned to his desk and shuffled through the papers on his desk. He found himself looking through the windows in his office at Rafael as he talked with the detectives. Something about the ADA intrigued him, though he couldn't say what. Then again, the whole team seemed just as fascinated by Rafael as he was, he surmised as his team of detectives also watched his every move. He watched as Rafael paced the squad room floor and drank from a take-out coffee cup, he oozed charisma, Steve noted to himself before he returned his attention to the stack of papers in front of him.

"Lieutenant Harris?" a voice at the doorway said.

"Mr. Barba, come in," Steve said, gesturing to him to sit down. "So, how did things go? Give me some good news."

Rafael hesitated at the doorway, but took a seat across from him. "I do have news, and it's good. I'm sure that there is enough evidence to make the DA comfortable to take this further. I can say that your detectives appeared to have done their due diligence in getting the pieces of the puzzle together. Barring any new evidence, I think everything should proceed smoothly from here," he said.

Steve smiled at him. "Thank you counselor. I trust you'll keep me updated on this regularly? We need to get these guys off the streets. They've been turning out millions of dollars' worth of coke, MDMA, ketamine a year. They're linked to one of the biggest suppliers in the city."

"Understood, like I said, I'll do my best to convince the judge to get this to trial."

"The DA bragged about you to me. He said you're not afraid of a challenge. That's just what we need around here."

Rafael's face blushed. "That's very flattering. I hope I can live up to everybody's expectations," he said, leaning forward to shake Steve's hand once again. Their eyes locked for a few seconds before Rafael looked away for a brief second. His eyes met Steve's again and said, "I'll be in touch."

Steve stared at him after he got up and turned to leave the room. A subtle scent of a masculine cologne lingered behind him. "Mr. Barba," he called. "It was nice to meet you."

At the doorway, Rafael stopped and turned his head, nodded slowly, and smiled. "Nice to meet you too."

His face spread into a wide grin, Steve shook his head and laughed at himself for his interest in someone he had just met. He hadn't experienced that since he was in college. He couldn't put his thoughts into words, but there was something about Rafael, a raw magnetism almost, that he found intriguing. He chastised himself, after all, who even knew if he was into guys? And, even if he was, who's to say he'd be into him? Besides, Steve had set a strict criteria for himself when it came to dating, and Rafael didn't check any of the boxes. Regardless, it was nice to be entertained by the thought of an attractive, younger man. It made him feel alive again. He pushed his silly thoughts out of his head and got back to his work, hoping that he would see the new ADA again soon.

* * *

"Let's sit down," Rafael said, as they approached a bench in Central Park. "How am I going to tell my mom we're moving in together? I don't know how to even bring it up to her."

"Don't be scared of her. You just have to come right out and tell her. Be honest, and just tell her what our plans are. Be firm and stand your ground, but don't get into an argument. Just be matter of fact."

"It won't be easy. She won't be happy, I can tell you that." Rafael sighed and squeezed Steve's hand.

"You'll say the right thing. Just go with what your gut tells you. You already know she won't like the idea, so don't go in with any expectations. Hopefully, she'll come around to the idea in time, just keep that in mind. And remember, that no matter what, I love you, and I'll always be there to support you."

"I feel bad for you. Your parents are wonderful to me, and I can't return the favor."

"I don't love you for your mother."

"I know."

"I know you love your mom, and she loves you, but don't let her bully you, and don't back down. It'll be ok. It'll all work out."

"I should have put a warmer jacket on," Rafael said. He wrapped his arm around Steve and rubbed his thighs.

"Let's go. You're freezing," Steve said. "Do you want my jacket?"

"No, I'm good."

"I knew you'd say that. Here." Steve took off his jacket and wrapped it around him as they began their walk back.

"Well now you're going to be cold."

"I'm fine. Rafael, I told you about what happened over there a couple of weeks ago?" Steve asked, pointing to a wooded area in the distance.

"The guy that got gay bashed? Yeah. That's terrible. Is he ok?"

"He's still in the hospital. You remember Derrick, who works in Major Case? He told me they haven't caught anyone yet. So, no walking or jogging here by yourself at night, and stick to the main roads during the day."

"So you think I'm a target? Really?"

"I don't want to call you a target, but, in a way, yes. You're dating a police captain, you're bi and to gang bangers, that's the same as gay, you work drug cases. Who knows, you may have put one of their friends away. You've worked some high profile cases, your name and your picture has been in the paper. Just be careful. I'm not saying to quit jogging here, just change your route up and stick to main areas, no short cuts if you decide to walk home from work either. I know I'm probably a bit paranoid because of my job and what I've seen, but I'd die if anything happened to you."

"I'll be careful. You should be too."

"I will be. What time are you headed to your mom's place?"

"I told her I'd go over for supper. I'm dreading it." Rafael took off Steve's jacket and handed it to him. "Here, I'm good now. Thanks."

Steve slowed his pace and put his jacket on. He put his arm around Rafael's shoulders. "You'll be fine."

"Yeah, I know," Rafael sighed. "When do you have to be at work?"

"I'll drop in there around 5 or 6 I guess. Hopefully things won't take too long. Are you going to spend the night tonight?"

"Yeah. Maybe we'll have time to get a movie later?"

"Sounds good."

* * *

After Steve left for work, Rafael drove to his mother's home. The chill of the evening air bit at his skin as he stood in front of the apartment building where he grew up. Now, as an adult he looked up at it, filled with dread, the same as when he was a child. He folded his arms in front of him for warmth and pulled his sleeves over his hands, red and raw from the bitter wind. Suddenly, he felt as though he was eight years old again. Sighing, he trudged to the building's entrance and turned his key to open the door. This wasn't going to be easy, and he wished that he could have brought Steve with him. It was time to be an adult though, and even Steve couldn't bail him out of the conversation he was going to have with his mother.

His footsteps echoed loudly on the wooden staircase as he made the same slow march up to the floor where his mother lived. When he reached her suite, he felt like turning away, but he closed his eyes and rapped on the door before unlocking it.

"Mami?" he called.

"Rafi? I almost thought you weren't coming."

"I'm sorry I'm late. Traffic."

"Ah, yes of course," she said, greeting him with a hug. "How are you doing?"

"Good, how are you?"

"I'm good."

He sat at his mother's kitchen table his hands warmed by a cup of coffee, half smiling as she fussed over him. With nervous energy, he drummed his fingers against the cup, as she placed a bowl of soup in front of him.

"What is it Rafi? What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong."

"Something is. You can't lie to your mother."

"No, nothing's wrong, I promise. Everything's actually really great. Work is good, busy, but good. Steve and I – "

"I ran into Yelena the other day. She said that Christine was asking about you. I told her you'd give her a call."

"Why would I call her?"

"She's a nice girl, Rafi."

"I'm not calling her," Rafael said, staring at the wall in the hallway. The same wall that his father had knocked him into so many times. Blinking, he looked around the kitchen and everything reminded him of his father. He remembered being slumped on the floor, against that wall, his father standing over him screaming, while his mother stood exactly where she was standing now, at the kitchen counter doing nothing but ignoring the situation. Maybe she was a drunk too, and he was too young to realize it, he pondered.

"Rafi, are you listening to me?" his mother's voice interrupted his thoughts.

"Yes."

"Then answer me."

"Sorry, what did you say?"

"I want you to call that girl."

Flustered, he shook his head. "I don't want to call her." He loved his mother, but she was the probably the sole person on the planet that still had the ability to derail him completely. He had come here for a purpose, and he was losing ground already. With his self-confidence crushed, he debated now whether or not to even tell her the news. Remembering Steve's advice, he knew he had no choice but to tell her and there would be no point in backing out now. Not only would he be hiding something from her, but more importantly, he would be letting down Steve and there was no way that he could let that happen.

"I wanted to tell you that I'm moving –"

"What? And give up your nice apartment? What for?"

"Please, let me finish. I'm moving in with Steve." He closed his eyes as soon as the words came out of his mouth, knowing full well that a tirade would follow.

"Oh Rafi, why? What am I going to tell people? What will they say? What will your aubelita say?"

"I don't know, but this isn't easy for me to tell you, but I didn't want to hide anything from you."

"Rafi, why are you doing this? Imagine what your father would say."

"Who cares what he would say? I don't. His favorite pastime was hitting me."

"Rafi, lots of kids got spankings."

"Spankings? He used to beat the hell out of me."

"Don't talk like that about your father."

"But it's true! I can still feel where he broke my wrist. It never healed right."

"What's all this about? You've only talked like this since you met that policeman."

"He's a captain."

"Whatever. I don't think this is a good idea, Rafi. You had nice girlfriends. Why would you want to be with a man? I thought you were going to marry Yelena and be happy -"

"That was years ago." Rafael felt like a drowning man who had just been tossed an anchor. He could never win with her.

"Then find another girl. It's not too late, why are you being like this?"

"I have always been like this."

"No, Rafi."

"Yes. It's who I am. Why can't you be happy for me?"

"Rafi, you came here and sprang this news on me. Do you just think that I should just put on a smile and be happy?"

"Yeah, I do. Just be happy for me. I'm happy, and so is Steve."

"It's not the way we raised you."

"The way you raised me?" Rafael was shaking. He took a deep breath. "Well, I guess the way I was raised was for you to stand by and make excuses while my father, who was drunk half the time, beat me up and called me names. He used to throw me into that wall," he said, pointing to the hallway. "He never had a kind word for me. What did I ever do to him?"

"Oh Rafi, those were such hard days. Your father had a hard life, and you shouldn't talk about the dead like that."

"Those days were hard on me too."

"Why are you doing this to me? Why bring up the past. It can't be changed."

"Because we need to talk about it. Why won't you talk about it? Why won't you let me tell you about Steve? I love him, mami."

"I want you to leave and come back when you've calmed down."

"You're kicking me out?"

"If you can't be reasonable, then yes. I'll talk with you another time."

"I'll talk to you later then."

"Rafi, I know you're mad at me right now, but, I just want what's best for you. I love you."

Rafael stared at his mother and bit his tongue. He didn't dare say what he was feeling. He zipped up his jacket and opened the door. "Bye."

He sat in his car fuming. He tried calling Steve, but there was no answer. On his way back to Steve's apartment, he stopped and bought a pack of cigarettes. It had been over a year since he quit, and he had promised Steve that he wouldn't start again. But, as soon as he returned to his car, he lit one, and then chain smoked the rest of the way to Steve's.

Steve was still out when Rafael got there, so he headed back outside and walked to the neighborhood bar. He sat at a table alone, feeling bitter and longing for Steve, the only person in the world who truly understood him. He picked up his cell phone and tried calling Steve again, but the call went straight to voice mail. "Hey, it's me. I'm just out at Jeffery's. Call me." His self-pity grew with each drink, and, after his third double, he paid his tab and left.

Steve still wasn't at home, so he went to the bedroom and slid out a couple of cigarettes before burying the package at the bottom of one of the dresser drawers that Steve had reserved for his belongings. He hoped that Steve wouldn't find them there, he would give him shit if he knew he was smoking again.

He poured himself a double scotch and headed out to the balcony and lit up his cigarette, watching for any sign of Steve through the patio doors. He was nearly finished his second smoke when he saw the apartment door open. He took one last, long drag from his cigarette before he stomped it out on the ground, and kicked the crushed butt off the edge of the balcony. Popping gum into his mouth, he chewed furiously before going to greet him.

"Hey there, sorry, I just got your message. It got a little crazy tonight," Steve said, pulling Rafael close and giving him a kiss. "So, how'd it go with your mom?"

"Not good."

"Oh no. What happened?"

"Exactly what I told you would happen. She gave me shit and told me to call some girl. She brought up old girlfriends, and said that this wasn't the way I was raised," Rafael said, putting his arms around Steve and leaning his head on his chest. He felt like bawling.

"I'm sorry to hear that."

"I told her that I was raised to get the crap beaten out of me, while she stood by and did nothing. I hate her right now. I hate her."

"Oh Rafael. You don't mean that."

"Well, right now I do."

"Why did you get into an argument with her? You knew you'd have to give her some time."

"Hey! Why are you taking her side?"

"I'm not on her side. I'm on yours."

"Doesn't sound like it. I pointed out to her the wall that my dad used to throw me against, and she didn't want to talk about it."

"Oh god, I'm so sorry. But, why did you go over there just to have an argument?"

"What do you mean?"

"Why start an argument? Did you really expect her to jump up and down? You knew this would be difficult for her."

"I was trying to tell her about us, and she wouldn't listen. She started the argument."

"Ok, I'm sorry, that's not how I meant it. But you engaged her. Sometimes you have to be the bigger person."

"I'm tired of being the bigger person with her, I was always the bigger person, even when I was just a kid. She's my mother for god sake! She never gave a damn about me. Steve, she never stopped him."

"I know, baby, I know." Steve held him and rubbed his back. "How many drinks have you had?"

"Just a few."

"More than a few I think. Rafael? Were you smoking?"

"Don't start."

"Start what? Were you smoking?"

"Don't nag," Rafael said, pulling away and walking into the bedroom.

"Oh Rafael."

"Just leave me alone about it. I'll quit again."

"When?"

"When I feel like it."

"Throw them out."

"No. I'm going to the balcony for one right now." Rafael pulled out the pack of cigarettes from the bottom dresser drawer.

"You were hiding them from me?"

"Yeah, I knew you'd bug me about it."

"When did you start again?"

"Don't worry about it." Rafael stormed out of the bedroom.

Steve caught up with him in the hall and touched the back of his shoulder. "I am worried, Rafael. You worked so hard to quit. Don't let a fight with your mom bring you so down that you start smoking."

"Don't touch me."

"Rafael, come on now."

"Just leave me alone."

"Why? So you can go and pout and wallow?"

"What did you say?"

"You know what I said. Something didn't go exactly your way, and now, you're going to go and pout. I'm trying to help you here. I'm sorry about your mom, but don't take it out on me."

"Fuck you."

Steve walked after him. "Hey! What's your problem?"

"Well, right now, it's you," he said.

Steve reached out and grabbed his arm. "Don't run away so you can go and feel sorry for yourself." Rafael tried to jerk away from him, but Steve tightened his grip. "I just want to talk, Rafael. I'm worried about you. Don't pull away from me. We'll go talk."

"Let go," he said, trying free himself.

Steve shook his arm a little and pulled him close to his chest. "I'm sorry. I don't want to fight with you. Just talk with me." Rafael stepped backwards and twisted his arm to free himself while Harris tried to pull him into a hug. Rafael stumbled forward into him and gasped, mouth open in surprise. With tears in his eyes he looked at the hand on his arm and then at Steve.

"Oh my god, are you ok?" Steve asked. He let go of his arm and stared at his hand. "I'm sorry, Rafael. I didn't mean – "

"I see how it is," Rafael spat, narrowing his eyes as he trembled in anger. "Are you going to start knocking me around now? Is that where this is going?"

"What!? Of course not!" Steve stood staring in disbelief, speechless. He put his hands up in the air and backed away.

"I knew this would happen. You're starting a little early aren't you? I'm surprised you didn't wait until I moved in. That way, you could beat the shit out of me anytime you want."

Tears welled up in his eyes as he stared at Rafael, who stood shaking, rubbing his arm. "That is the meanest, most horrible thing you, or anyone else for that matter, has ever said to me."

"You were going to hit me!"

"No I wasn't, Rafael."

"Is that what you want? To hit me, toss me around? Do whatever the hell you want to me?"

Steve reached out and gently touched Rafael's cheek. "I'd never do that."

Rafael jumped out of his reach. "You just shook me."

"I didn't mean to, you know that."

"No. I don't know that." Rafael rubbed his arm and held the side of his face. He looked up at Steve and backed away from him.

"You know what? You can stop with that poor, wounded, little Rafi shit. You know I'd never hurt you."

"Do I?"

"You're drunk and you're hysterical. I need to get away from you," Steve said, turning to head to the living room.

"Fine. I'm going home."

"Rafael. It's dark, you've had a few drinks. I'll sleep on the couch. Just stay away from me."

"You can't tell me what to do!" Rafael yelled, storming after him. "If I want to go home then you can't stop me."

Steve turned and walked towards the bedroom again with Rafael on his tail. "Where do you want to be? Couch, bedroom? Your choice."

"I told you. I'm going home."

"Fine. But, you're not driving."

"I'll walk."

"I'm not letting you walk through the park at night by yourself."

"You're not letting me? Fuck you for saying that. First of all, you can't tell me what to do, and secondly, I'll be fine."

Steve sighed heavily. "No, you wouldn't be fine."

"Don't you think I can take care of myself? What do I Iook like to you?"

"Well, honestly, right now, like easy prey. There's all kinds of gangs, junkies, weirdos. Why are you being so belligerent?"

"Like you give a fuck." Rafael felt his adrenaline course through his body. He was so enraged, he searched his mind for the meanest thing he could say. "Besides, maybe I'd be safer with them than you."

"Is that what you think?" Steve took both his and Rafael's car keys from the hook in the hallway and walked into his bedroom. "You're not driving. Do you want me to give you a ride?"

"Why? So I'll be forced to come back here tomorrow and get my car?"

Steve put his hand to his forehead. "You're insane. I'm warning you, back off and get away from me."

"You're warning me? About what? Why don't you just haul off and hit me already?"

Steve held his head in his hands. "Rafael. Why the hell are you trying to goad me? I'm not arguing with you anymore. I'm going to bed. You can sleep on the couch, or you can call a cab. It would be nice of you to call me when you get home if you decide to leave. You really hurt my feelings. You know damn well, I'd never do a thing to hurt you," Rafael said, his voice raised. He took a breath and lowered his voice. "The reason why I don't want you around me right now, is because _you_ are being abusive and I don't want to hear what you have to say. I love you, very much, and I care about you. I don't want you walking home alone through the park at night, it's too dangerous."

Rafael took a deep breath, his heart pounding, but as angry as he was, he knew Steve was right. "Can I just get something to sleep in then?"

"Here." Harris opened a drawer and tossed one of his t shirts at him. "You know where the blankets are. Now, goodnight," he said, as he crawled into bed.

Rafael stripped off his clothes, let them fall to the floor, and put on Steve's shirt. He stood with his hands on his hips and felt his heart rate finally slow down.

"Steve -"

"Get the light on your way out," Steve added.

"Steve, come on."

Steve sighed, flung back the covers, got out of bed and strode quickly towards him. When Rafael saw him coming, he took a few steps backwards before Steve cornered him against the wall. Rafael's eyes widened, his bottom lip quivered and he crossed his arms over his chest.

As annoyed as he was, Steve had to hold in his laughter at Rafael, looking ridiculous with his arms folded defiantly, wearing only underwear and a t-shirt which hung halfway to his knees, the shoulder seam which fell inches away from his elbows.

"Listen, Rafael," Steve said, ignoring his quivering lip. "Just so you know, I'm not going to hit you or toss you around or rape you or whatever else you think. I just need to be alone, and I need to get some sleep." He was so frustrated, he felt like picking him up and carrying out of the room, but he knew that that would only succeed in enraging Rafael further. Instead, he placed his hands on his shoulders, turned him around and walked him out of the room. He gave him a gentle shove into the hallway. "Goodnight," he said.

Rafael spun around and opened his mouth to speak, but before he could say anything Steve shut the door, turned out the light and went back to bed.

"I was going to say I'm sorry," Rafael shouted at the door. He stood at the doorway embarrassed and angry. How dare he chastise him like he was a child? He hadn't finished what he had to say, and Steve was now ignoring him. Infuriated, he banged on the door.

"Steve?"

He gave up and went to the living room. Forgetting to take a blanket, he lay on the couch feeling sorrier for himself with each passing moment. Soon, he was angry, not with Steve, but with himself. He knew that he wouldn't hit him, and he didn't know why he made those accusations. The alcohol didn't help, but it was no excuse for his behavior. All he knew, was that he had was filled with rage, and he had to explode, and Steve was simply there, like an innocent pedestrian struck by a speeding car. Usually, his anger was tightly controlled, but tonight, he had a full blown temper tantrum, and poor Harris was his target. He couldn't lie there anymore, with Harris, his undeserving victim in the other room. Rafael hoped that he would accept his apology. He knew he had crossed the line, and worried about the damage he had caused to their relationship. Getting up from the couch, he quietly walked towards the bedroom.

He stood quietly his hand pressed against the door, deliberating with himself on what to do. He leaned against the door and knocked again quietly. "Steve. Can I come in? Please?"

He grasped the doorknob and cautiously cracked open the door. Peering around the door, guilt and shame overcame him as he saw him lying in bed.

Steve sat up. Not wanting another confrontation he said, "I told you, I'm not arguing anymore. I love you very much, and we'll talk in the morning."

Rafael stood and folded his arms. "They say you shouldn't go to bed angry."

Steve sighed and lay down and pulled up the covers. "I'm not angry."

Rafael sat on the edge of the bed, his elbows on his knees, his chin resting on his hands. He turned and looked at him. "Can I lie down?"

"You mean you're not afraid I'm going to hit you now?"

"No."

"Whatever," Steve sighed, as he moved over and made room for him.

Rafael lay down, still feeling somewhat indignant. He lay on his back, arms folded and listened to Steve breathe. "Hey," he said, turning on the table lamp. He shook his shoulder. "Hey."

"Oh my god, Rafael, you shook my shoulder. Are you going to beat me up now?"

"Steve, come on."

"You're seriously getting on my nerves. Go to sleep."

Rafael touched his shoulder again. "Steve, please. I have to tell you something."

"What?"

"I know you wouldn't hurt me."

"Good. I'm glad you know that after two years of being together."

"I freaked out, and for just a split second I thought you were going to do something. I just flashed on my dad, you know, after thinking about that all day. But then, I made a big deal of it, because I was angry. Not really with you, just at the world. I took it out on you and I'm sorry. I had a huge tantrum. I know you wouldn't do anything."

"Yup. Like I said, I'm happy that after two years, you figured out that I haven't abused you."

"I'm sorry I said those things. I knew you didn't want me to walk home."

"Good for you." Steve sat up and looked down at him. "How bizarre, your boyfriend, who's a police captain, doesn't want you getting mugged, beaten up, or god knows what else in Central Park in the middle of the night. I told you that a man was gay bashed there, and you said that I wouldn't give a fuck?"

Rafael sat up and hung his head. Frowning and eyes filling with tears he sucked in his bottom lip and tilted his head to look at Steve.

"Don't you dare. No puppy-dog Rafi. That bullshit isn't cute right now."

"Are you crying?" Rafael asked, stunned. He reached to wipe a tear from his cheek.

Steve pushed his hand away. "Well, I am a human being. And the person I love more than anything in the world. The person that I would do anything for, that I would gladly give my life for, said the most cruel, mean things to me possible."

"Steve." Rafael reached out and stroked his face. "I'm sorry." He put his arm around his shoulders. "I'm so sorry. I wasn't thinking."

Steve resisted the temptation to take him in his arms and hold him. "I know you are. But, you can't un-ring a bell, I'm a little upset. Turn off the light and go to sleep." He jerked the covers up and rolled over.

Rafael sat looking at him, feeling ashamed and guilty. "Ok," he said, quietly. He reached over and flicked off the lamp. He lay down, and slowly inched his body closer to him. He lay there for a few moments before he reached over and tentatively put his hand on his shoulder. Steve reached up and brushed his hand off and shifted himself towards the center of the bed and away from him.

"Stay on your side of the bed."

"Ok," he whispered, staring at Steve's back before he rolled over and faced the empty wall. He put his hand under his head and blinked away tears. Closing his eyes, he moved to the edge of the bed to give Steve space, and hoped he would be able to forgive him.


	5. Chapter 5

Steve lay in bed and listened to the quiet gasps coming from the other side of the bed. It was too heart wrenching and just as he was about to roll over and reach out to him, Rafael got up out of bed and slowly walked across the room.

"Rafael?" he called, as he sat up in bed.

Rafael either ignored him or never heard him. The door latch made a soft click as he exited the bedroom and closed the door behind him.

Sitting up in bed, Steve held his hands to his head. In the two years since they had been together, he had never seen him in such a state. He had seen him upset and even cry in the past, but never had he witnessed him fall apart the way he had tonight.

Rafael had told him about the emotional and physical abuse he had suffered at the hands of his father, but he had insisted that he had dealt with those issues and had moved on. Until last night, Steve had no reason not to believe him. He knew that the relationship Rafael had with his mother was strained, but he had never accused her of any wrongdoing in the past. Secretly, he didn't have a lot of respect for Lucia Barba, knowing that she tended to be somewhat cold and manipulative. But, he also knew that the two of them were working on reconciling their relationship, and so, despite his misgivings, he remained quiet and never interfered or let his opinion be known. It was important to Rafael to repair his relationship with his mother, and Steve decided to keep his negative opinions to himself and even went as far as supporting and encouraging their relationship.

Steve couldn't lie in bed and ignore him any longer. Knowing that his harsh words had done nothing to help the situation, he wished he could take them back. He should have tried to be more understanding and patient, he chided himself, but Rafael's sudden outburst and accusatory words had blindsided him. Guilt was getting the better of him, so he got out of bed and headed to the living room. When he got there he stood there for a moment, staring at him, curled into a ball and choking back sobs. Feeling his heart hurt for him, he went back into the hall, retrieved a blanket from the linen closet, and returned to him.

"Here. It's a little chilly in here," Steve said softly, handing the blanket to him.

Without looking up, Rafael sat up, took the blanket, and wrapped it around his shoulders. "Thanks. Did I wake you?" he asked, wiping away a tear and casting a cautious glance at Steve. He looked away and tried to catch his breath.

"No. Can I join you?"

Rafael nodded his head and slid over on the couch.

"Are you ok?" Steve asked, sitting down beside him.

"No. I don't think so."

"Me neither."

"I'm sorry."

Steve opened his arms and pulled him close. "You don't have to apologize, I do. I'm sorry Rafael. I should have tried to be more understanding. I had no idea what you were going through. You were trying to tell me something, and I didn't handle it right. You tried to apologize, and I was really rude to you. I'm so sorry."

"I'm the one who should be apologizing."

"No, you already did, and it's ok. Are you ok? You're shivering."

"I'm just cold. I didn't mean those things. I don't know what made me say them. The words were just coming out of my mouth, and I couldn't stop them," he said, his breath shuddering. He bent forward and put his head to his knees.

"It's ok. We'll figure it all out." Steve patted his back. "You're hyperventilating. Take a deep breath."

Rafael nodded and took a deep breath which ended in a fit of coughing. "I screwed everything up, Steve. I can't believe how I just went and fucked things up for us," he said, sputtering. His eyes watered as he tried to supress another coughing fit.

"No, you didn't. You didn't fuck anything up. Just breathe slowly, Rafael. Here, sit up straight."

"I'm sorry I messed everything up."

"Shh, just try and breathe for a bit ok?" Steve kissed the back of his head and rubbed his back. "You didn't do anything wrong, nothing's messed up. I promise."

"So, then… You still want me to move in with you?"

"Of course! I was worried that maybe you didn't want to. But, just because we had, um, words with each other, doesn't change anything about that."

"What's wrong with me? I was so worried that you hated me. I think I wanted to see if you would do it or not. I knew you wouldn't though, but, well – I don't even know what I'm saying anymore."

"It's alright. I know what you mean. I could never hate you. And, I am very sorry for reacting the way I did."

A tear formed in Steve's eye and he smiled warmly down at him. "Let's go to bed," he said, standing up and gently pulling Rafael to his feet.

"Here, come close," Steve said, as they lay down in bed. He lay on his back and extended his arm, encouraging Rafael to snuggle in.

Rafael shivered a little and lay on his stomach, his head on Steve's shoulder. "I just can't get warm," he said, wriggling around and pulling the covers up, his breath still ragged.

"I'm a little worried. You never mentioned whether or not you have asthma or allergies."

"I don't."

Steve frowned and looked at the clock on the bedside table. "You've been short of breath for a while already. Have you ever had panic attacks?"

"A long time ago."

"Do you think you're having one now?"

"I don't know… Maybe?"

"Hmm…" Lifting the back of his t-shirt, Steve rubbed the small of Rafael's back and was surprised at the cool feel to his skin. "Why are you so cold?" he asked, more to himself than to him. His hand moved further up his back and then to his cheek. "Jeez, Rafael, you're freezing." He tugged the shirt back down and rubbed his back.

"I can't warm up. I'm going to take a hot bath. Maybe that'll help."

"Let me go run one for you."

"I can do it. You're tired."

"Let me. I'm wide awake." Steve got up and tucked the blankets around Rafael and patted his shoulder. "You just stay here."

The sound of the running water drowned out Rafael's loud breaths from the bedroom. Steve let the water run over his hand and dipped his hand in the tub as it filled, checking the temperature, and adjusting the faucet handle slightly. "It's ready," he called.

Rafael took off the shirt Steve had given him and his underwear and carefully stepped into the bath, inching himself into the water as he slowly adjusted to its heat. "Thanks," he said, his breaths still shaky.

"I don't like this," Steve said, leaning against the counter, searching for 'hyperventilating' and 'panic attacks' on his phone while watching Rafael.

"What?"

"You've been hyperventilating for too long. It says it shouldn't last for more than 20 to 30 minutes. Has this happened to you before?" he asked, reading from his phone. "Do you have any chest pain?"

"Just from breathing heavy. I think I'll be fine."

"If it doesn't stop you have to go to the hospital." He kneeled down beside the bathtub. "Are you still cold?"

"No. I'll be ok."

Steve put his phone down beside him and placed a hand on Rafael's stomach. "Take a deep breath, slowly, and now, let it out slow ok? Just keep doing that. Try pushing my hand away when you breathe in. I'll press on your stomach when you breathe out. You have to get all the air out."

Rafael looked up at him and nodded in appreciation. He took some deep, slow breaths, and closed his eyes. He concentrated on breathing from his stomach and the touch of Steve's hand.

Steve kept his hand on his stomach until Rafael's breathing began to return to normal. He dipped his hand in the tub, added a little more hot water, and swirled it around, sending warm water towards him.

"How are you doing?"

"Better. Where did you learn that? About the hand on stomach?"

"I just looked it up. They say not to breathe into a paper bag, something about CO 2 levels."

"Oh? I didn't know that."

"Well, you know how it is, they keep changing things."

"Yeah."

Rafael sank into the water so that it covered his shoulders. He lay his head back against the end of the tub, closed his eyes, and put his arms behind his head.

"Here, put your arm in the water so you don't get cold," Steve said, as he rolled up a small hand towel and placed it under his head. "Just relax. At least you're breathing better now."

Nodding at him, Rafael closed his eyes and sank into the tub a little deeper. The hair on the back of his head became darkened by the water as he finally felt a sense of calmness take over him. He welcomed the serenity of the moment, a relief from the panic, stress, and anger of the last several hours.

"I think I'm ok now," Rafael said.

"You want to get out now?"

"Yeah."

"Hang on, I'll go get you something to wear."

Steve searched though Rafael's drawers, but found nothing for him to sleep in, so he pulled out his own sweatpants and a flannel shirt.

"This is the best I could do, they'll be miles too big, but, they'll keep you warm," he said, placing them on the counter. He turned and pulled out some large bath towels from the cabinet.

"Here," Steve said, extending his hand to help him out of the tub. He wrapped a towel around Rafael's hips, and began drying his chest and arms. He helped him into the shirt and began to dry off his lower body. He kneeled down and held the sweat pants open for him to step into, while Rafael held his shoulder for balance. He pulled up the sweatpants, but since they slid down his hips, Steve tucked the shirt into them.

Steve lay down and patted the mattress beside him. Rafael crawled over to him and lay down on his side, wriggling as close as he could, his leg over Steve's, his arm slung over his chest and rested his head on his shoulder.

Steve reached over and pulled the blankets over him. He tousled his hair and kissed his forehead, relieved that Rafael's breathing had returned to normal, and happy that they had patched things up. However, he was still worried about his physical and emotional well-being.

"Steve?"

"Hmm…" Steve ran his hands through Rafael's hair.

"I don't know what happened to me today. But, it was so strange, I was out of control. I knew you wouldn't do anything, but I kept telling myself that if I made you mad enough, you would. I was just so mad at my mom. At what she said."

"Rafael, did she really do that? Stand there while your dad hit you?"

"When I was there today, she was standing and cleaning the counter, in the exact spot the time my dad threw me against the wall when I broke my wrist. It was like, 10 feet away. I was crying on the floor, he was yelling, and she just stood there like nothing was going on. It happened lots, but I remember that time the most. And, that's when I knew. I think I knew all along, but that's when I was sure."

"What did you know?"

"I remember doing a test."

"A test? What do you mean?"

"A test," Rafael repeated. "My dad was hitting me over and over. And, I thought, if she tells him to stop, then I'll know she cares. I just kept staring at her, wishing for her to look at me, to make it stop, but she didn't. She just kept cleaning and putting away dishes. He grabbed me and just, threw me to the wall. I heard my wrist snap when I hit the ground. I was crying, and my dad was still yelling at me. All she said to me was, to stop crying or I'd make him mad again, and that I should learn not to make him angry. She told me to go to my room. After that, I knew that she wouldn't help me. I never called for her again when he was hitting me. I just gave up. But, I was smarter then, than now. I hoped, that maybe, she would be happy for me and you, but she just disappointed me again." His breath became loud and fast again.

"Breathe, Rafael. You never told me that part of it before," Steve said, taking Rafael's hand in his and rubbing his wrist. "Did she just leave you there?"

"I went to my room."

"Did someone take you to the doctor, or hospital?"

"My aubelita did. I think the day after."

"Was she there when it happened?"

"No."

"Did she know your dad did it?"

"I told her I fell," Rafael said, his voice cracking. "My mom didn't tell her either."

"So you mean to tell me, you spent the night with a broken wrist and no one did anything to help you?"

"My mom put some ice on it… I couldn't stand being there today, Steve. I guess that's why I freaked out when I got here."

Steve wiped away his own tear, he felt worse now about the way he had reacted to Rafael than before. Rafael looked up at him and smiled. "Don't cry. It's ok. It was a long time ago."

Steve tried to contain himself, but he couldn't. "No, baby, it's not ok. It's terrible."


	6. Chapter 6

The first two things Steve felt when he woke were Rafael's hand resting on his arm and an overwhelming sense of guilt for the way he had treated him the night before. He looked over at him, and although it seemed cliché, he thought that Rafael looked peaceful, angelic even, with his dark hair laying against his skin, and his lips, soft, pink, and delicately parted.

Propping himself up on his side he gazed at him and engaged in an internal debate. He couldn't stand to see him hurting the way he did last evening. Maybe it was time for him to tell Rafael to forgo pursuing a relationship with his mother. Knowing what he knew now, he desperately wanted to tell him to move on and forget about her. She didn't deserve him, she was the one who made mistakes, not Rafael. And yet, all of the energy and effort being put into rekindling their relationship seemed to come from him. She's his mother, and yet it certainly didn't appear to Harris that she had done anything to deserve Rafael's efforts. How devastating would it be if all the energy he was expending on her turned out to be futile?

On the other hand, he had to let him make his own decision, and it was his job to stand by him, no matter what he decided. He decided that he would have to remain silent, yet supportive. However, if she were to ever verbally belittle him in front of him, Steve wouldn't keep quiet about it. He would never betray Rafael's trust though, and would never reveal to her how much he knew. He shook his head. It was going to be difficult for him to look her in the eye and be respectful the next time he saw her, but, for Rafael's sake, he would try his best.

Steve felt Rafael's eyes on him and snapped out of his private thoughts. "I didn't know you were awake."

"What were you thinking about?"

"Just about how much I love you."

Rafael smiled, stretched his arms over his head, sat up, and kissed him.

Knowing that he had had a rough night, Steve wanted to make things better for him, and he planned to dote on him for the day. "What do you want for breakfast?"

"I don't know, anything is good. Why?"

"I'm making it. Pancakes or waffles?"

"Umm…pancakes I guess."

"Alright."

"Do you need any help?"

"Nope, you just sit back and relax." Steve cupped his chin and kissed his cheek after he got out of bed. "I'll put coffee on in just a minute."

Rafael rolled out of bed and put on his glasses. He hitched up the sweatpants that Steve had given him and wandered out to the living room. He skimmed through the newspaper and smiled up at Harris when he brought him his coffee.

"It'll be just a few more minutes."

"I feel bad, you sure you don't need some help?" Rafael asked, standing up. He pushed back his sleeves and hitched his pants up.

"Positive. You just sit. We'll eat out here." Steve couldn't help himself, he walked over to him, wrapped his arms around him, and tucked his shirt back into his pants.

A few moments later, Steve appeared carrying a tray with a plate of pancakes and a bowl of cantaloupe. He put the tray down on the coffee table and pulled a TV table close. Rafael smiled when he noticed that there was only one plate of food and a single set of cutlery.

Steve sat down next to him and smiled. "I hope you don't mind…I know you like this every so often."

Rafael slid closer to him and nodded. "I love it."

"Good, I do too." Steve lifted a forkful of pancake to Barba's lips.

Steve angled the fork downwards into his mouth and pulled it out gently when he wrapped his lips around it. They looked into each other's eyes while Steve took a bite of breakfast and waited for Rafael to swallow. He took another piece of pancake on the fork and brought it up to Rafael's open mouth. He so wanted to take care of him, to do anything for him. He had always enjoyed doting on him, and he had fed him like this in the past, but after learning more about his childhood, he wanted to make today extra special for him. Steve took a few bites, and offered another to Rafael, who opened his mouth eagerly. He knew this was a special moment for Rafael too, as he seemed so relaxed and content to be fed.

"Steve," Rafael said after a long period of silence. "I don't want to be away from you anymore…"

Steve fed him another bite of pancake. "Well, why don't we go by your place later, and pick up some of your things? We can bring enough of your clothes, whatever you need, for the week. Unless, you want me to stay at your place."

"Your place is better. I love being here."

"Whatever you want," Steve said, wiping a bit of syrup from his lips. He wrapped his arm around Rafael's back and carefully handed him his coffee.

"Your place," Rafael said, taking a sip. He loved how gentle he was being, feeding him, then taking a bite for himself, and for a while he forgot about all of his stresses in life. It was nice to be coddled, something that he really didn't get a lot of growing up. Steve's tenderness helped to make him feel better.

"Alright, we'll go this afternoon." Steve picked up a piece of cantaloupe and held it to Rafael's soft lips.

"Steve, thanks for doing this for me," he said, and then opened his mouth to be fed.

"Anything for you."

"Ever since yesterday, I just haven't felt right. Like somethings wrong." He took another bite of melon that Steve brought to his mouth.

"You were really stressed, it's understandable. I can't imagine how I'd be feeling if it were me."

Rafael nodded. "It's hard," he said after he swallowed. "Maybe I'm just tired."

"I hate seeing you upset. You're feeling better now though?"

"Yeah. But, I feel, I don't know, off. Like I have no energy, I feel like I ran a marathon or something. It's weird."

"I think, but I don't know for sure, that maybe you had a panic attack yesterday. Maybe that drained you?"

"Maybe."

"If it happens again, you really should see a doctor."

"I had a couple of them a long time ago, when I was in law school."

"Yeah, you said… Were they like last night?"

"A little I guess…It's hard to remember. I almost forgot about them until you asked." Rafael shook his head when Steve offered the last piece of cantaloupe to him.

"Should we cancel dinner with my mom and dad tonight?"

"No, I'll be fine. I can't wait to see them actually."

"Ok, well, it's no big deal if we make it for another evening. You just let me know."

"No, I'm looking forward to it."

Steve popped the cantaloupe into his mouth and placed the empty bowl on the coffee table. "Want to sit?" he asked, holding his hands out.

Rafael nodded and lifted himself onto his knee. Leaning back against Steve's chest, he closed his eyes and put his arm around his neck.

"I feel bad for you," Rafael said. "You gave me breakfast, and now I'm on your lap, it makes me feel better, but what about when you're stressed?"

"I love this, this makes me feel better too." Steve wrapped his arms around him, ran his hand up and down his side, reached up and softly stroked his cheek.

* * *

Steve waited for his drink and nervously glanced around the room, drumming his fingers on the bar and checking his watch. 8:20. As usual, he was early. With an annoyed look, the bartender slid Harris's scotch to him. Flattening out his fingers, he left a tip and apologized. Sipping his drink, he turned to find an empty table, hoping that Rafael would be there soon.

Taking a seat facing away from the door, he suddenly felt awkward for being early and hoped he didn't appear too eager. He tried to calm his nerves, after all, it's not like this was a date. It was just two colleagues meeting for a drink after a long day and a tough week at work. Besides, he and Rafael had gone for drinks after work on a spur of the moment occasion after a long meeting at Rafael's office. Tonight was different, it was not a date, put it was a planned celebration of the end of an arduous week. Or was it a date? No, Steve told himself, it's not. Millions of coworkers go out for drinks on Friday nights, it's a completely normal thing to do.

Over the din of the bar, Steve found himself wondering if Rafael was gay. After the last time they had gone for a drink, he suspected that he may be, but, he couldn't be sure. It certainly wasn't the easiest subject to bring up to someone. How do you even ask someone that, he pondered? All of his last relationships began from men that he was either set up with, met online, or met in gay bars in his younger days.

He realized that not too many people outside of his immediate social circle even knew that he was gay. It wasn't that he hid it from people, but he never brought up the subject either. A gay cop, especially one who was up for promotion to captain was a relatively rare thing, and despite any anti-harassment policies the NYPD had in place, it wasn't an easy environment for a gay guy. Still, he felt ashamed at times, not of being gay, but the fact that he hadn't willingly come out to his colleagues. It had never been his decision to come out, that choice had been taken away from him by his ex, a man whom he hoped to never deal with or see again in his life.

In addition to those issues, he remembered that Rafael wasn't his type anyway. He's too short, I'm 6'4, and it would look a little silly. He didn't really like being too much taller than his partners, and most of them had been 6' or at least close to it.

Rafael was probably a little too young for him. At 46, Harris had decided, that he would only look for a guy within five years of his own age. He didn't know why he picked that arbitrary number, but, he had to draw a line somewhere. Rafael likely wasn't more than 35, which would put him firmly in the "too young" category. His close friends had tried to tell him to be open minded, but he had always been someone to stick with his convictions. Even on his long inactive online dating profile he mentioned that he was only seeking a partner within five years of his age. On paper, Rafael was not his type.

 _Then why can't I stop thinking about him? Why do I look forward to running into him? And, why am I as nervous as a teenager on a first date right now?_

Finally, like a small whirlwind, Rafael approached his table and sat across from him. Steve hoped he could use his skills as a police officer to use and camouflage his nerves.

"Hi," Rafael said, smiling.

Reminding himself that this was not a date, Steve gathered his nerves and put on the best stoic front that he could muster, which was hard, considering how damn hot Rafael looked. He tried not to look for too long at him in his glasses and dark, somewhat snug jeans. He shook off his leather jacket to reveal an equally snug, ivory V-neck sweater.

Steve signalled the waiter over. "Scotch?" he asked.

"Yes, please."

"Make that two," Steve added.

Rafael leaned forward and rested his arms on the table. "What a week. Thank god it's over."

"I'll say. I can't even count how many hours I put in. I'm off now, until Monday, thankfully."

"I should be too. I am seriously thinking of shutting off my phone," Rafael laughed. "Of course, I probably won't."

"Thank you," Steve said, when the waiter delivered their drinks. "Turning off your phone, that's actually not a bad idea," he said to Rafael. He caught himself staring at Rafael's glasses, so he raised his glass and took a sip of his drink. "Here's to a couple of days off."

Rafael smiled and raised his glass. "Now that's something I can drink too."

After a few drinks, Steve gave up his attempt to remain stoic. He grinned and laughed at Rafael's jokes, and became more animated. Rafael wasn't holding back either, he had shed his polished exterior, and Steve noticed that he too was laughing and smiling freely.

"I'm just going to head up to the bar, you want another?" Steve asked.

"Sure," Rafael said, slipping on his jacket. "I need to stand for a bit."

They weaved their way through the packed room to the bar and stood in line to place their orders. Steve insisted on paying for the drinks and resisted the temptation to wrap his arm around him. They sidestepped away from the bar and found an empty ledge to rest their drinks upon. Steve stood and leaned against the ledge, sipping his drink and straining to hear Rafael over the noise of the crowd.

While they stood there, a loud, drunken man bumped into Rafael. It was an accident, and inconsequential, but it was at that moment that Steve knew he was completely smitten with him. He wanted tell the man to watch where he was going, but he bit his tongue, shot the man a dirty look, and touched Rafael's shoulder. His heart fluttered when he stepped in close to him to avoid being jostled by the crowd.

"Let's get out of here," Rafael said, standing on his toes so that Steve could hear him.

"Yeah, there's a quiet place not too far…If you're up for another drink."

Rafael smiled up at him and nodded. He touched Steve's arm, sending shock waves through him. "Sure."

They walked together for a bit talking, both feeling a bit buzzed. Soon, though, Steve realized that he should cut the night short. It wasn't because he wasn't enjoying himself, in fact, it was the opposite. He was becoming very fond of Rafael, too fond, and he doubted that a relationship with him would ever work. Steve smiled at him as he spoke animatedly about any subject that came up, and his heart pounded and his face blushed when he would glance up at him as they walked along.

Steve thought of how to politely end the evening. He knew that there was no other choice, this little crush had to be put to an end. He was bothered that he had begun to notice things about Rafael, things that one wouldn't notice if they weren't interested in a person: his slightly crooked smile, the way he pronounced certain words, almost as if he had either a slight lisp or perhaps a bit of an accent, the way his right shoulder tended to dip slightly, and how he stood with his hand in his pocket.

They turned down a quiet alley to head to the bar. Steve listened to and laughed at Rafael's story of his first day as a courtroom attorney, and decided to have just one more drink with him, and then call it a night.

Suddenly, Rafael missed a pothole and stumbled forwards. Steve caught him by the arm before he tumbled to the ground. Rafael froze in his arms, stunned, and looked up at him and sucked in his bottom lip. Despite Steve realizing that he was holding him for too long, he didn't let go. Summoning up his nerves, he cast aside his doubts, and in that instant, decided to take a risk.

Bending down, he planted a kiss on Rafael's mouth, and although his lips barely brushed his, his entire body shivered with desire. He quickly drew back, almost in shock at his impulsive action, yet thankful, that he had found a way to finally get over the subjects of being gay and expressing interest in him. He dropped his hands from Rafael's arms and stepped back with strangest mix of emotions he had yet to experience in his 46 years as a million thoughts racing through his mind.

 _Could kissing him like that be sexual assault? What was I thinking? What about my promotion? I could lose my career. What did I just do?_

Steve stared at him, trying to read his reaction. Rafael stood there, mouth open, staring back at him. Steve's heart sank when Rafael gingerly took a step back, and looked at him in shock.

 _Fuck! Why did I do that?_

Before he could open his mouth to apologize, Rafael's hands were on his shoulders as he struggled to reach high enough to kiss him. Rafael's mouth landed on Steve's neck. He stood on his toes, laced his fingers behind his head and pulled Steve down to reach his mouth.

Steve bent his knees and wrapped his arms around Rafael's back. Rafael jumped up and put his arms around his neck and wrapped his legs around his waist. Caught off guard, Steve staggered and nearly dropped him. Rafael gasped when Steve stumbled and slammed him against the side of a building, "Sorry," Steve mumbled, in between kisses.

Rafael's breath grew heavy and his soft lips parted, his tongue darting around the outline of Steve's mouth. Steve bit and sucked at his lips, his hand brushed the side of his face and cupped his chin as his body pressed his against the wall. The tiny squeaks that escaped from Rafael encouraged him, his tongue surged, forcing its way into his mouth. Rafael moaned and gripped his broad shoulders and opened his mouth accepting Steve's tongue as it gently flicked against the roof of his mouth and against his cheek.

Panting, Rafael wiggled and climbed desperately when he felt himself slide towards the ground. Steve hoisted him up and leaned into him, trying not to press against him too hard, knowing that he outweighed him by at least 60 or 70 lbs. Rafael squirmed, his legs tightened around Steve's waist as he rocked his hips into his waist.

Steve lowered him towards the ground and paused when Rafael's hips were in front of his. He bucked his hips and pulled Rafael's ass towards him. His feet dangled inches above the ground as Steve cupped his ass, groaning, before setting him down. He held his hand on his ass, then slowly drew his hand up Rafael's side, caressed his neck, tilted his head up and brushed his lips against his.

When he regained his composure he wrapped his arm around him, his hand pressing his head to his chest. Rafael nuzzled against him and put his hand on his arm and gave his bicep a quick squeeze. Steve looked down at him and felt his heart race when Rafael glanced up and smiled at him. Steve closed his eyes, he gave him a tight hug and rocked him before he stepped back and straightened his jacket while Rafael pulled down his sweater.

They made their way to the bar that Steve had recommended and took a seat. He looked nervously at Rafael sitting across the booth.

"Obviously," Steve said, "you know that I'm gay." He blushed, realizing how very awkward that sounded. "Umm… and that I like you."

B"Yeah, I got that message."

"Oh, yeah, I guess you did." He grew even more nervous, not sure what to make of what Rafael had just said.

"I kind of started to wonder over the last few weeks. I kind of thought something was going on when you asked me out the last time we went for a drink after work. Tonight, I thought was an actual date," he said, smiling.

"Asked you out? Was it that obvious?"

"Yeah, kind of. Actually, very obvious."

Steve shifted in his seat. "Really? I thought I covered it with just two guys from work going for a drink." He looked down at his hands and took a sip of his drink.

Rafael stood up and sat down in the booth beside him. "Well, maybe not that obvious," he said touching his shoulder. "Maybe, it was partially my wishful thinking too."

"Really?"

"Yeah," Rafael said. He slid over close to him and put his hand on his knee. "I'm glad you asked me. And just so you know, I was looking forward to it for days."

Steve put his hand to his face and tilted his chin up, he looked into his eyes and kissed him. "So was I."

They finished their drinks and stepped out onto the street. Not wanting to move too fast, Steve resisted the urge to put his arm around him.

"Do you want a cab?" Steve asked, walking towards the street, surveying the traffic for a cab to hail.

"It's such a beautiful night, I'm going to walk. I don't live far."

"Can I walk you?"

Rafael smiled and nodded. "That'd be nice."

When an irate and dishevelled junkie approached them, Rafael pulled some money out from his pocket and handed it to him. The man followed them for a bit, demanding more cash, and hurling insults at him. Rafael kept his gaze straight ahead and quickened his pace until Steve put his hands around his shoulders and pulled him close.

When they reached Rafael's building, they stood together quietly while Steve hailed a cab. When a car pulled over for him, he opened the door and turned back to him.

"Rafael," he called, walking back to Rafael who was unlocking his building door. "Can I see you again soon? I mean, outside of work?"

Rafael put his hands on his shoulders. "I'd love that."

Steve wrapped his arms around him, his hands meeting on the small of his back. He bent down and gave him a gentle kiss on the cheek. "Me too," he said.

* * *

The weight of Rafael on his lap made Steve's legs tingle. He had been so quiet, that Steve turned to him, to find that he had fallen asleep in his arms. Knowing that he was exhausted, Steve didn't have the heart to wake him, but his arms and legs were aching. Gently, he wrapped his other arms around him and stretched. He took his hand and put it on his thigh, his other hand grasped his waist and shifted him in his lap, hoping he'd regain the feeling in his legs.

As soon as Steve moved him, Rafael burst out of his grasp and landed on the floor on his hands and knees, startling both of them.

"Rafael!" It took Steve a few seconds to register what had happened. "Are you ok?" He slid from the couch to the floor.

Steve put his arms around him, but when he felt him flinch, he withdrew his arm. He didn't know what the right thing to do was. He touched his fingertips to his back. "Are you alright?"

Rafael finally looked at him. "Yeah," he said, feeling his heart pound. "I'm fine." He sat back on his knees and looked around the room. "I'm fine."

"What happened?" Steve asked, crawling forward and picking up his glasses from the floor.

Rafael licked his lips and swallowed. "I'm not sure." His eyes flited around the room and rested on Steve. "I must have dozed off, I just got startled."

"I went to move you on my lap. Then you just jumped out of my arms."

"Oh? I guess maybe I was dreaming."

"Here," Steve said, handing him his glasses. "You're sure you're ok though?" He kneeled forward and looked him in his eyes.

"Yeah…I'm ok," Rafael said, rubbing his thigh, then his arm. He put his glasses on and sat back on the couch, holding his arm.

Steve stared at him from the floor. "Ok, good."

"Is your arm ok?" he asked, taking a seat beside him.

"I said, I'm fine."

Steve took a deep breath. "Ok, sorry." Suddenly he felt like he was walking on eggshells again. Rafael had the same tone and demeanor as he did the previous night. He sighed.

"What?" Rafael asked, flatly.

"Nothing." Steve stood and collected the dishes from the coffee table. "I'll clean up. Do you want another coffee?"

Rafael stood up and took the dishes from him. "I'll do it." He walked into the kitchen, leaving Steve standing there empty handed.

Steve sat down and watched him in the open kitchen from the living room. Rafael loaded the dishes into the dishwasher and put his hands on the counter.

"I'm sorry, Steve," he said, putting his head on the counter and looking up at him. "I'm just having a rough day."

"Are you sure about dinner tonight? We can make it for another time."

Rafael came sit back down beside him. "No, it'll be nice."

"Do you want to lie down for a while? We can go by your place after."

"Yeah, I think so."

"I didn't sleep well last night either, I could use a nap."

Rafael pulled back the covers and fluffed the pillows and climbed into bed. He turned to face Steve and inched as close as he could to him until his chest touched his.

"I'm sorry about all this, Steve. I'm losing it this weekend. I'll pull myself together for your parents tonight. I promise."

"You're not losing it. You had a rough weekend after a very long week. You were working 10, 12 hour days all week, under a lot of pressure."

"Yeah, I know. I feel like I'm losing it though."

"You're not." He stroked Rafael's arm. "You're fine. But, why didn't you tell me about some of the stuff before?"

"I don't know…I guess I wanted my mom to like you, and I wanted you to like her. I didn't want you to know, it's just that I didn't want you to hate her." Steve listened to him intently, as Rafael tried to express himself, finding himself stumbling over his words. "I didn't know whether or not to tell you, I wanted to, but, I guess I hoped things would get better. And, I didn't want you to feel sorry for me."

"I wouldn't hate her, if you wanted me to have a relationship with her, I promise I would try my best to. It was very hard to hear what you told me, but, I'm not going to stand in the way of you trying to build a relationship with her. I don't want to see you hurt, but, I would be happy for you if things work out."

"I know…I've put all of my past behind me, you know."

"I understand. But, let me know what's going on, I just want to help, and if I can't help, I can listen."

"Is there anything else you want to talk about?"

Rafael shook his head and closed his eyes. "I'm too tired."


	7. Chapter 7

"That's about it for this one," Steve said, zipping up the suitcase and placing it on the floor. "Do you need anything else from in here, aside from your suits and shirts?" he asked, surveying Rafael's closet.

"Umm…yeah, a couple of pairs of dress shoes."

"Which ones?"

"One pair of black, one brown should be good."

"Are these good?" Steve asked, holding the shoes for him.

"Yeah."

"Anything else in here?"

Rafael sat on the bed and looked around the room. All he needed now to last him the week was his work attire.

Steve rummaged through Rafael's closet when something on one of his shelves caught his eye. A sly smile crept across his lips. "Hey! What are these?" Steve asked feigning ignorance. A gleam lit up his eyes as he held up what appeared to be a couple pairs of shoe inserts.

Rafael's eyes widened. He sprang from the bed and leapt at him. "Nothing!" A slow blush grew from his cheeks and spread across his face.

"Holy fuck, Rafael. Are these lifts?" he asked, holding his hands high above his head.

"No." Rafael stood on his toes and reached up towards Steve's hands.

"Well, they sure look like lifts to me," Steve said, noting their severe wedge like appearance.

"Give them to me," demanded Rafael, one hand on his hip, the other extended, palm up waiting for Steve to hand them over. "Please."

"Do you wear lifts?"

"Alright, so they're lifts. And no, I don't wear them."

"Then why do you have three pairs of them?"

"Alright, I don't wear them anymore," Rafael said, giving up his attempt to steal the shoe lifts from Steve. He sat down on the bed and flopped backwards, his hands on his face. "Oh god, please."

Steve sat down beside him. "So, how do these actually work?"

"God, leave me alone."

"Seriously, you just put them in your shoes? Or do you need special shoes for them? Umm…As a non-vertically challenged person, I'm genuinely curious."

"Stop."

"Oh my god. Rafael, do you have elevator shoes too?" he asked, trying not to laugh as he got up from the bed and headed towards the closet.

Rafael sprang from the bed and tackled him, jumping on his back. His hands grabbed at the material of Steve's shirt and his legs wrapped around his waist, trying not to laugh. "Steve, it's none of your business."

"Umm, yes it is. If the love of my life is using Tom Cruise as a fashion role model, I need to know." The weight of Rafael and his attempt to tackle him didn't faze Steve as he pretended to look though the closet.

"That's not even funny."

"Ok, ok," he said, turning around, with Rafael still riding his back. "So sensitive. It's not like you're really that short, you don't even need them."

Rafael let go of his neck, dropped to the ground, and sat back on the bed. Steve sat beside him and held the lifts up. "Well?"

Rafael snatched them out his hand and sighed, his face bright red. "These go in regular shoes. These ones are two inches, and these ones are one and a half, if you must know. They work, but they're not that comfortable. It's like wearing heels inside your shoe."

"So, with the two inch lifts, is that how you're 5'9?" Steve asked.

"You're just hysterical."

"Put them on. Come on, baby," he said, rubbing Rafael's back. "Put them on, or in your shoes. I want to see you in them."

Crossing his arms he turned and glowered. "No."

"Please? For me?" Steve begged, ignoring what he called Rafael's intimidating lawyer face. "So how did you decide which ones to wear? Today I want to be one and a half inches taller, tomorrow I want to be two inches taller? Oh wait, I know, I guess you started with the smaller ones, then graduated to the taller ones. That way, people will notice a difference, but they _won't_ notice. Am I right?" Steve paused. "Well, am I?"

"Look, just because I'm not some sort of freakishly tall, modern day Goliath -" Rafael stopped mid-sentence, cut off by Steve's laughter. He playfully swatted at his thigh and sighed. "I just got tired of being the shortest guy in the room most of the time. I just wanted to see what it would be like to be actually tall."

"And you thought that adding two inches would make you tall?" he asked, making quotation sign around the word tall.

"You're enjoying this, aren't you?"

"A little, yes. Sorry."

"You're never going to let me live this down, are you?"

"That depends. I haven't decided yet." He took the lifts out of Rafael's hands and looked at them closely. He turned them over and read the tiny label printed on them. He couldn't contain his laughter any longer. _"Undercover Fox?"_ he asked, falling back onto the bed, the lifts still in his hand. Tears rolled down his cheeks as he roared with laughter. "Fuck, you crazy kid. This is too much."

"Very funny. Just hilarious." Rafael snatched them from his hand and tossed them towards the closet. "Nice to see you laughing at me."

"I'm not laughing at you. I'm laughing at these," he said, lifting his hand with the other pair.

Rafael leaned over and threw them across the room and avoided Steve's reaching arms. He sat on the edge of the bed, his arms folded in displeasure. "I'm not talking about this any longer. Discussion over."

"Hey! I know. Put them on for dinner tonight. See if my parents notice." Steve sat up and pecked his cheek.

Rafael narrowed his eyes and cast him a sideways glare.

"Do you practice that look in the mirror?" Steve asked.

"Yes, I do. I just have to think of you. In fact, you're my muse."

"Good thing you're not a couple of inches taller, you'd almost be intimidating, imposing even."

Rafael pushed him down and climbed on top of him. When their eyes met their lips formed into smiles. He lowered his head and through the sound of Steve's breaths he listened to his heartbeat. His eyes closed, and he lay still, his legs straddling Steve's hips. His hand opened and closed slightly, playing with the fabric of his shirt.

"I know you don't want to hear this, but, you are adorable," Steve said. "I love ya, Rafael. More than anything, more than anyone. I'm glad you don't wear those silly things."

Closing his eyes, Rafael melted into his broad chest, wishing that he could remain forever in his warm embrace. Nothing in the world comforted him more than being so close to the person that he loved more than anything. He felt safe with Steve, and when his muscular arms hugged him, there was nothing in the world that could hurt him.

He tried to push the events of the previous night out of his head, the only person in the world that he trusted, he had uttered horrible words too. He wished that he could turn back time and take back his awful words. What Steve had said to him lingered in his mind, " _You can't un ring a bell_." That was very true, and he would have to find a way to make things up to him, even though Harris had insisted he had nothing to apologize for. His hand travelled from Steve's chest to his arm and gently squeezed his bicep, knowing that those arms would do anything in the world to love and protect him.

"I wish I could fall asleep, just like this," Rafael said, nuzzling his head against Steve. An immense feeling of pure love overcome him when Harris wrapped his arms around him and stroke his cheek. Smiling, Rafael raised his head and regretfully rolled off of him. "We're going to be late for your parents, and I still have to get my suits together."

"We've got a bit of time." Steve sat up and reached for Rafael's waist and pulled him onto his knee. "Come here, I'm not done yet."

"Steve, I don't say this enough. I can't believe how lucky I am to have you in my life."

"Rafael – "

"I don't know what I'd do without you. You're so good to me." Rafael cupped his chin and tilted his head up. "Thank you, for looking out for me all the time. For last night, you probably should have kicked my ass out, I would have. And this morning, I loved every minute of it." He wiped a tear off of his cheek and laughed. "Look at me, I never would have thought I'd have turned into such a softie."

"You know I love doing things for you, it makes me happy."

"I know, but I feel like, I don't do enough for you."

"That's not true, don't feel like that."

Rafael slid off Steve, put his arms around him and pulled.

"What are you doing?"

Rafael continued pulling at his waist and put his hand on his thigh, using all of his strength to try and pull him close.

"Rafael, what are you doing?"

"I want you to sit on my lap."

Steve laughed. "You're kidding, I'll crush you."

"I'm serious, come on." He patted his lap and opened his arms, the same way Steve did when he'd take him onto his lap.

"I outweigh you by 70lbs."

"I know that, but I want to."

With hesitation and a slight smile on his face, Steve slid gently onto his lap. Curious to see how long he could hold him for, he turned to him and put his hand on his shoulder. He bent down and kissed the top of his head.

A few minutes went by, and Steve could tell from Rafael's squirming that he was tired of holding him. He checked his watch. "Babe, as much as I love this, we really had better get going." He stood up, extended his hand, and pulled Rafael into a quick hug. "You just pick out your suits, I'll start loading the car."


	8. Chapter 8

"Nervous?" Rafael inquired, after Steve backed his car into a parking spot outside the restaurant where they were about to meet his parents.

Steve glanced over at him. "A little more than I thought, to be honest."

Rafael unbuckled his seatbelt and put his hand on his knee. "Steve, I have a good feeling. I think they'll be fine." He smiled and leaned over to plant a kiss on him.

"I think you're right. I hope you're right."

Rafael loved and cared about Steve more than anything and he hoped that his parents would realize that. A twinge of envy ran through his mind, knowing that Steve's parents were far more understanding than his mother. He shuddered at the thought of what his father would have to say about his relationship with Harris if he were alive. As he shut the car door, he pushed those thoughts out of his mind. He would have to forget about his mommy and daddy issues; tonight was about being there for Steve and his family.

As they approached the restaurant Steve grabbed Rafael's hand in his, gave him a tight hug, and ran his hands up and down his back. "Thanks for coming tonight. I know you had a pretty rough weekend. This means a lot to me."

Smiling, Rafael reached up and stoked Harris's cheek. "Anything for you. I'm glad I came."

"See if you say that after dinner."

"Aww, you are nervous. Steve, it'll be good. Your parents, they understand." Rafael squeezed him tightly and massaged his shoulders. "Remember when you told me that no matter what you'd be there for me? Well, I'm here for you too, no matter what."

"I know. Well, here goes." Steve took a deep breath as they walked into the restaurant, and immediately spotted his parents. "Of course, they're here first, we can't even have a warmup drink."

Judy Harris rose from her seat when she saw her son and his boyfriend approach their table. "Steven," she said hugging her son and then turned to Rafael. "Rafael, as handsome as ever," she said, giving him a quick embrace.

"Mom, you look great. Dad, how are you?"

"Good," said Robert Harris. "How are things with you? How's work?"

"Busy, long hours."

"And yourself, Rafael?"

"Good, thanks. Nice to see you both again."

"Dad, how's it going over at Allan's?"

"Good, the decks almost finished. Maybe another weekends worth of work. It's really coming along."

"Sounds great, I might be able to make it out there and give you two a hand next weekend."

"He'd love that. He's been talking about inviting you two over for a bar-b-que when it's all finished, before it gets too cold," Judy said.

Rafael sat fascinated and relished in the normalcy and ease of the family's conversation though dinner. As much as he tried, he couldn't picture his family sitting around the table, enjoying each other, laughing, and genuinely interested in one another's daily lives. There was no high-brow conversation or discussion or world events; just a set of parents who obviously loved their children very much and cared deeply about their happiness.

Through the whole evening, there had been no tenseness or yelling, no topics to be avoided, or shame inducing comments. It was such normal dinner conversation, that Rafael began to feel out of place, almost ashamed, as if all he could offer to these warm and loving people were his own dysfunctional family dynamics. How would he even begin to explain to these people the background of poverty and abuse that he came from? What would they think if they knew that he was relieved that his own father was dead, and that at times, he couldn't stand his mother? _They would probably wonder what kind of poison am I bringing into their sons life._

While Steve talked with his parents, Rafael suddenly wondered what, if anything he had told them. He took a bite of his dessert, smiled and engaged in some small talk. He knew nothing of how to finish a two-tiered deck, so he smiled politely and became overwhelmed in his insecure thoughts. _Did they know that my father had violently beaten me?_ _Did they know that their son would hold my hand and rub my wrist in the spot where my father broke it?_ He wondered how he would tell them that there would probably be no Christmas or Thanksgiving dinners or family celebrations together with Harris's family and his mother. He wondered what they would think of that.

When dinner was over and the waiter brought the bill, Harris took Barba's hand under the table and gave it a gentle squeeze. "Mom, dad. Rafael and I want to tell you something."

"What's that?" asked Judy, taking a last sip of her coffee.

"Well, Rafael and I decided that it would make more sense if he moved in together," Steve said, looking from his mother to father, and then at Rafael. "I mean, we spend so much time together already, Rafael's place is small, and he spends so much time at my place. We could cut costs, share everything. No sense in paying for two places," Steve rambled.

"Steve," Judy said. "I'm thrilled for you. What do you think Robert?"

Steve looked in anticipation at his father and squeezed Rafael's hand.

"Well, I guess if that's what makes you two happy then that's good. It makes sense. Are you planning to buy a new place together? Everything is so expensive now."

Steve felt Rafael trying to twist his hand out of his. He loosened his grip and patted his hand. "Well, Rafael's apartment is small, so for now we're going to stay at my place."

"I think that's wonderful. You two have been together for a couple of years now. I'm sure you will both be happy."

"Thanks, mom. I'm, I mean, we're so happy that you're both ok with this."

"What's not to be ok with?" asked Robert. "You're both adults, and this makes you happy."

Rafael smiled shyly at him. "Thanks, that means a lot."

"Your mom must be thrilled for you too. Rafael, when are we going to meet her?" Judy asked.

"Hopefully soon," he said, with a slight smile.

"I hope so too, sweetie. She raised such a wonderful son. I can't wait to meet her. Why don't you bring her along to Allan's place for dinner when his deck is all finished?"

"Mom," Steve said, rubbing Rafael's knee. "Not everyone cares about Allan's deck or backyard."

"It's ok, Steve. I'll be sure to let her know she's invited," Rafael said, before he excused himself to use the washroom.

When he was out of earshot, Steve leaned forward. "Mom, stop bringing up his mother. They're going through a rough patch right now."

"Oh no. I'm sorry. I didn't know that. I hope everything's alright."

"Well, not everyone is as understanding as the two of you."

"Oh? Oh, I see. The poor dear. That's terrible."

"Yes, so don't mention his mom anymore."

"I won't. But, why didn't you tell me this? This is going to be hard on him, and on you. Imagine, this should be a happy occasion for him, and his mother isn't supporting him. That must be very difficult."

"He's still trying to work things out with her. But, now isn't the time to talk about it," Steve said.

"I don't have to tell you this, Steve, he's such a dear. Bring him over more often. He needs a mom."

"Mom, he has a mom."

"Ok, then a… a mother in law of sorts. Oh, you know what I mean."

"Judy, they'll work it out," Robert said, as he pushed out his chair and retrieved his jacket from the back of his chair.

"Can we change the topic?" Steve asked, when he saw Rafael heading back towards the table.

Steve stood and put on his jacket. "Thanks for dinner. It's my treat next time."

"Thank you very much," Rafael said, giving Judy a hug. "I had a great time."

"You're very welcome, sweetie. I can't wait to see you again. I told Steven to bring you by more often."

"That sounds really nice. I'll make sure he does."

"Now, tell me, he's good to you? I tried my best to raise a gentleman."

"Mom," Steve said, rolling his eyes a bit and laughing.

"You raised a perfect gentleman, he's very good to me."

"Oh that's good. A mother needs to hear that every once in a while."

Rafael nodded at her and smiled. She gave him another hug. "You take care, sweetie. Don't work too hard."

Robert shook Rafael's hand and pulled him into a quick hug and patted his back. "Nice to see you again, Rafael."

When they got in the car, Steve exhaled loudly after he turned the key in the ignition. "Rafael, thanks a lot for tonight. My parents were happy to see you."

Rafael put on his seatbelt. "I had a great time tonight, Steve. I love your parents. Your mom is right, we should visit them more often."

Steve put the car in gear and drove home, relieved that his parents were in full support of the decision to live with Rafael. He worried about Rafael's emotions, he seemed happy enough, but, his mom was right, this was bound to be hard on him.

When they arrived at Steve's building, they unloaded Rafael's belongings from the car. Steve managed the two suitcases, while Rafael carried his suits, protected by special travel bags for each one.

"Hey," Steve said, opening up one of the suitcases. "Where do you want to put your things? Do you want your own drawers, or just share with mine?"

"Share, at least for now. I think I can fit most of my suits in here," Rafael said from the walk-in closet.

"You sure? Anything that doesn't fit, we can put into the spare room."

"Well, when I bring the rest of my stuff I guess we'll need the space. For now, this is good."

"Hey, Rafael, I'm sorry if my parents were a bit annoying tonight," Steve said, putting away the last of Rafael's underwear. "I love them, but sometimes, my mom, she just - "

"Steve, it's ok," he said. He took a handful of clothes from the opened suitcase and began to put them away.

"She kept pressing you about your mom."

"She doesn't know. She was asking normal things, it's my family that's a... a disaster. That's not her fault."

"I know, but still, I'm sorry if you were uncomfortable," Steve said. "I mean, how many times did she call you 'sweetie'?"

Rafael sighed and sat down next to him on the bed. "More times than my mom has in my entire life."

"Oh, umm… Rafael, I'm sorry."

"It's alright. Not a big deal."

Steve turned and cupped Rafael's chin. He tilted his head up and kissed his cheek. "I just worry."

"Don't," Rafael said. He put his arm around Steve's shoulders and returned the kiss. "Your dad hugged me," he said.

"He likes you."

"I know, but he's never hugged me before." Rafael smiled. "It was nice. Made me feel like part of the family."

"Well, you are. You're my family," Steve stated simply. "Glass of wine?" he asked.

"Yeah, that sounds perfect," Rafael said, beaming at Steve's comment, and the ease of which it was spoken, as if it were a simple fact.

In the living room, Steve retrieved a bottle of red and poured them each a glass. They sat together on the couch and sipped their drinks, discussing the upcoming week.

When Steve put his glass down he took Rafael's from him and set it on the coffee table. He stood and pulled him up from the couch and led him to the center of the room. He dimmed the lights and put on one of their favorite songs, "What'll I Do?" by Johnny Mathis. Embracing him, he put one hand on the small of Rafael's back, the other on his shoulder.

Rafael rested his hands on Steve's shoulders and stepped close to him. When the lilting sound of violins filled the room, he leaned his head against Steve's chest. He lifted his head and looked up smiling when Steve began to sing along with the music.

 _What'll I do when you are far away  
And I am blue, what'll I do?_

 _What'll I do when I am wondering who  
Is kissing you, what'll I do?_

Steve smiled and squeezed his arms tightly when Rafael's beautiful voice joined in to sing the second part of the chorus.

 _What'll I do with just a photograph  
To tell my troubles to?_

 _When I'm alone with only dreams of you_  
 _That won't come true_  
 _What'll I do?_

When the song finished Rafael held onto Steve and hugged him tight. "Feel like a back rub?" he asked, his hands reaching up and massaging his neck.

"I would love one."

They finished their wine, turned out the lights, and headed to the bedroom. Harris stripped off his shirt and lay on the bed on his stomach, arms splayed over his head.

Rafael retrieved a bottle of almond oil based massage lotion from the bedside table, squirted some into his hands, and kneeled beside him. He rubbed his hands together, gazing at Steve's powerful arms; arms that were incredibly strong, yet also so gentle and loving. Flexing his long fingers, he placed hands on his lower back, and with long even strokes he moved his hands up towards his neck. Gently, he brought his hands down the sides of Harris's back. With increasing pressure, he ran his hands from lower back up to his neck and lightly down again.

When the massage oil was evenly spread and Steve was warmed up, Rafael rubbed small circles across his back. He carefully applied pressure as his fingertips and palms worked their way up, down, and across Steve's back, neck, and shoulders. "Everything ok?" he asked.

Steve let out a soft moan. "Right there," he said softly, when Rafael's fingers rubbed just below his neck. "God, Rafael. This is the best."

Rafael bent down and kissed the back of his neck and let his fingertips linger, alternating the amount of pressure he applied. He brought his hands to Steve's lower back and ran them together up to his neck. He changed positions and with his fingers spread, he moved his hands down from his neck, his thumbs ran beside his spine, towards his hips.

Steve moaned in pleasure, completely relaxed and mellow as Rafael's hands lifted and ran from his neck and down his back again. "Rafael, this is heaven," he said.

With increasing pressure Rafael rubbed circles on Harris's lower back, his fingers slipping under the waistband of Steve's pants. Steve, began to feel a slight twinge in his shorts. Groaning, he tried to ignore it, but the sensation only grew.

He rolled over and gently pushed him to the bed, kissing him. "Rafael," he moaned.

Steve sat up and slid off his pants, briefs, and socks. He undid the button on Rafael's pants and unzipped them. Rafael lifted his hips off the bed as Steve tugged his pants down. Steve tossed their clothes off the end of the bed and crawled back to Rafael, his hand caressing Rafael's slender, but toned legs.

The headboard creaked as Steve propped himself up against it. He gathered Rafael in his strong arms and pulled him beside him. Leaning down, he tipped Barba's head and brushed his lips against his. The soft sound of Rafael's breaths in his ear encouraged him as he ran his fingers around his neck.

Gentle moans grew louder and more urgent as Harris slipped his hand under Rafael's shirt, his fingers lingering and caressing around his nipples. Wiggling out of his sweater, he let it fall to the side and tossed his head back, writhing and bucking his hips frantically as Steve stroked and tugged at his nipples. He took Steve's hand and placed it over his groin, his hips gyrating as he rubbed him over his underwear.

Steve scooted down the bed, tugged Rafael's underwear off, and lay on top of him. With parted lips, his tongue, as delicate as a feather, darted around Rafael's neck and behind his ears.

Rafael slid out from under him and climbed on top, frantically thrusting his pelvis, his lips urgently travelled across Steve's chest, kissing and nipping at his skin. He made soft moans and whining sounds, his legs spread wide, straddling Steve, and squeezing his legs around him.

Grasping Rafael's shoulders, Steve rolled him over onto his back and crawled back on top of him. His mouth landed on Rafael's and nipped gently at his lips. "Nice and slow tonight, Rafael. I want to be gentle." He tightened his long, muscular legs around Rafael's to slow him down.

Rafael moaned and dug his fingers into his shoulders, moved his body in time with his gentle thrusts, and felt Steve's huge, fully hard cock pressing into his thighs. His own cock was hard, pulsing, and trapped beneath his abdomen. The desire to feel Steve inside of him grew, from a tickling in his groin until it consumed his entire body. He tried to turn on to his side, but Harris wouldn't let him. Instead, he continued to press against him, thrusting slowly. Rafael's lips parted and he sucked gently at Steve's nipple, moaning and needing relief.

Finally, Steve finally rolled him to his side. When Rafael heard the pop of the lube container lid, his breath became heavy in anticipation. One strong hand held his waist while Steve's other hand slowly inserted a finger into Rafael, swirling around and gently sliding deeper into him. Rafael thrust his hips back at him. "You really need to get fucked don't you?" Steve whispered in his ear.

"Please."

Steve gave Rafael's hips a quick twist and drew him closer. One hand held his hips, the other wrapped around his lubed dick leaving only a few inches exposed. He inched closer and gently inserted his head into Rafael's ass. Steve slid into him a couple of inches and slowly thrust, the head of his cock brushing Rafael's prostate.

Rafael's eyes grew wide and he gasped, his body shuddering at the sensation of Steve's cock entering him. Desperately, he bucked his hips backwards, encouraging Steve to go deeper.

Steve moved his hand from his cock and slowly slid in deeper, and then withdrew. He put his head back in, and pulled it out again. Listening to Rafael's moans and whimpers, Steve entered him again, groaning as the ridge below his head squeezed through Rafael's tightness.

In a frenetic state, Rafael writhed against him. Steve threw his leg around his hips and tightened it against him. He slid in a little deeper and thrust into him gently until Rafael finally relaxed and stopped his desperate wriggling.

Rafael settled his head on the pillow and put his hand beside his head, bracing himself with each thrust. He closed his eyes and let Steve fuck him gently and steadily. As smoothly as he entered him, he withdrew and rolled him onto his back.

He applied some more lube to his throbbing cock. His legs parted Rafael's thighs as he leaned over and gently eased his way back inside of him. Rafael closed his eyes and whimpered as Steve withdrew his head and entered him slowly again. With one hand he braced himself on the bed, the other caressed Rafael's cheeks and lips. Rafael stared into his eyes as he took Steve's index finger in his mouth, licking and sucking at it with quiet desperation.

Steve put his full length in him and thrust, his movements smooth and slow. Soon, the pressure in his cock rose from its base and travelled wildly up to his head until he could no longer contain himself. His groans grew louder until he exploded and released his cum straight into Rafael's ass.

His arm weakened, and he nearly collapsed on top of Rafael. Steve held himself together long enough to reach down and stroke Rafael's cock; large, thick, and twitching with the need for release. Rafael's body shuddered at the feel of Steve's hand wrapped around his length. Rafael had held in his orgasm, and Steve barely finished a few strokes before relief was finally granted to him. Steve reached over to the table and grabbed some tissue and wiped up the cum that had shot on to his and Rafael's stomachs.

Exhausted, Steve fell to the bed, lay on his back and tried to catch his breath. His arm rested on his head for a moment before he rolled over and put it across Rafael's chest.

"Rafael," he whispered. "Come on." He nudged Rafael and moved closer to him.

Rafael rolled on to his side. Panting, he reached for Steve's shoulder and pulled himself towards him, until his stomach, still heaving with heavy breaths, touched his. He wrapped his arm around him and shifted his hips into Steve's waist.

Steve momentarily broke Rafael's embrace. He leaned over and turned off the lamp, reached down and pulled up the blankets. He swung his leg over him and wrapped his arm around him, his hand massaging Rafael's neck. Sweat cooled and made his skin tingle. With a slight shiver, he pulled the blankets higher, taking care that Rafael was properly tucked in. He placed a soft kiss on his forehead and stroked his hair. "Night, Rafael. I love you." Rafael snuggled in a little closer, and although the room was dark, Steve could tell that Rafael was smiling.


	9. Chapter 9

Rafael lay back on the bed and hung up the phone in frustration. He put his arm over his head and sighed, resisting the temptation to throw the phone across the room.

"Hey," Steve said, poking his head into the room. "Everything ok?"

Steve let out a loud, exasperated sigh. "I guess so. She wants me to go for dinner next weekend. Fuck."

"Ok…You don't want to go?"

"Not really. I said I'd go, but I got so flustered…"

"Would you feel better if I came along?"

Rafael lifted his arm away and sat up. "Really? You'd come with me?"

"Sure. I want to see where you grew up. Besides," he said, "I can handle your mom…and so can you."

"I just don't know. Maybe it's not the best idea. I don't want her to say anything about us."

"Rafael, I have heard it all before. I'll be fine. Maybe, she's trying to make amends with you? Call her… I'm going to have a shower and get ready," Steve said. He turned to Rafael before he closed the door to the en-suite. "Just call her. It'll be fine."

"I hope you're right."

Rafael picked up the phone, took a deep breath, and called his mother. "Mami, it's me..."

* * *

"I'm all finished," Steve called. He stood in the bathroom, a towel wrapped around his hips while drying his hair. "Well?" he asked. "What did she say?"

Rafael stood in the bathroom and stripped off his cloths. "Yeah, she said ok."

"Great. I'm looking forward to it."

"You are kidding, right?"

"No. Look, you've been over at my parents lots. And Rafael, I really do want to see where you grew up."

Rafael rolled his eyes. "God, you must be the only person in the world that wants to see that."

"I'm serious," Harris said, as he reached for his toothbrush.

"I know. You're so sentimental."

"Hey, why don't we try out that new bar in mid-town? I hear it's decent."

"Yeah, that sounds good," Rafael said. He turned on the faucet and stepped into the shower.

Steve knew just the thing to make Rafael feel better. Smiling at the seemingly infinite supply of toiletries that had invaded his medicine cabinet and bathroom shelves, he pulled out shaving cream, a razor, and the silver tip badger shaving brush he had bought for Rafael. He remembered how he had cringed at the price of it when he saw it in the boutique, but knew that Rafael would be thrilled with it. Besides, nothing was too good for Rafael and Steve enjoyed spoiling him.

Next he took a facecloth and searched through Rafael's things until he found the small bottle of eucalyptus oil. He spread the facecloth on the counter and applied a few drops of oil to it and soaked it in a sink full of hot water.

When he stepped out of the shower, Steve wrapped a large towel around his hips and another around his shoulders. He wrung out the hot facecloth and gently pulled Rafael in front of him.

"I even remembered the eucalyptus oil," he said, proudly with a smile. "Let me know if it's too hot," Steve said, placing the cloth on Rafael's face.

He smiled and shook his head. "It's perfect."

As soon as the cloth cooled down, Steve lathered him up, gently applying shaving cream to Rafael's face and jawline. He stood behind him and carefully let the blade run down Rafael's face, scraping off stubble in smooth downward stokes.

When the razor became caked in shaving cream, Steve rinsed it in a stream of warm water and shook it before bringing it up to Rafael's cheek. He warmed up the facecloth again and placed it over the bare patches of Rafael's skin. When he was finished, he warmed the cloth again and gently patted down his face.

Rafael's hand brushed the side of his cheeks, admiring his smooth skin. "Thanks," he said, standing on his toes and giving Steve a peck on his cheek.

Taking another towel from the rack, Steve gently towel dried Rafael's hair. Smiling, Rafael handed him a bottle of oil, "For shine," he said.

Steve lightly spritzed Rafael's hair and continued to rub the towel over his hair. He took the comb from Rafael's hand and parted his hair to the side. When he tried to hand him a bottle of gel, Steve put his hands in the air. "I figured out your shaving routine, and how you like your hair parted." He smiled and kissed his head. "I doubt I'll ever figure out the rest of…this," he said, gesturing at the bottles and jars of hair products Rafael had lined up on the bathroom counter. "I'll probably mess it up."

Rafael was stubborn, and wasn't about to let him off so easily. "I'll teach you, one step a day, until you can do it."

"I don't know, Rafael. You know me, towel dry and a bit of whatever hairspray is on sale. I don't even know what half of this stuff is for."

"I think it'd be very sexy if you learned how to do my hair." He turned to Steve and put his hands on his shoulders. "Once you learn, I'll let you dress me for work."

Steve smiled slyly. "Really?"

"Yeah…"

Steve snuggled close to him. "And even pick out your entire, and I mean _entire_ outfit? Socks, underwear, everything?"

"Yeah." Rafael smiled to himself, knowing how much Steve loved to dress him. So far, he hadn't let him dress him in his suits, and now, he had something to tease him with. He was determined to drive him crazy, and to draw this out for as long as possible.

"Ok then. Show me how to do your hair."

"One thing at a time. I'll teach you one step, whenever I feel like it," Rafael said. "And, you have to do everything perfect. Just the way I would do it. If I have to fix anything, then you can't move onto the next step."

"Those are the rules?"

"Yeah."

"Ok. No changing them. Now, show me what to do."

Smiling, he handed Steve the gel and comb. "Put a little in your hand, and rub your hands together."

"Alright, that's easy."

"More than that…Ok, that's enough," Rafael said, carefully observing Harris.

Steve rubbed his hands together and ran his hands through Rafael's hair. "Is this right?"

"So far. Here," Rafael said, handing him the comb.

Taking the comb from his hand, Steve carefully pulled it through his hair. "How am I doing?"

"Good."

Rafael picked up the hairdryer from the counter and held it away when Steve reached for it.

"That's enough for today."

"What? Come on. This is going to take forever."

"I know." Rafael smirked. "I told you, one step at a time."

Steve hugged him to his chest and squeezed him tightly, refusing to let him go when he protested. He knew that Rafael was having fun with this but, Steve wanted to remind him of who was in charge. Actually, he knew deep down that Rafael was really the one in charge of just about everything; he would do anything for him and loved him more with each passing day.

"Steve, if you ruin my hair right now, then I'll have to deduct your credit for today's lesson. You'll be in the minus towards your goal."

"You're going to issue me demerits?"

"If you don't let me go, yes."

Steve squeezed him tighter, enough to make him squeak. He bent down and gave him a gentle kiss, his fingers lingering to caress his jaw. "Are you up for some play later?" he asked.

Snuggling in close, Rafael rested his head on his chest. "What do you have in mind?" He asked, raising his eyebrows.

"That depends. We'll see if you behave yourself tonight. If you're naughty, you'll have to be punished."

"And what if I'm good."

"Well," Steve said, kissing the top of his head. "If you're good, then maybe a bad police captain will try to take advantage of you."

"Hmm…" Rafael looked up and a slow, smile spread across his face. "I'll try to be good tonight." He stood on his toes and gave him a quick peck on the cheek. "I promise." He turned his attention back to his hair and smiled at Harris in the mirror.

Steve patted his back and went to get dressed and pick out an outfit for Rafael to wear; selecting a pair of jeans and the green, cable-knit cashmere sweater that brought out his eyes.

* * *

Steve leaned across the table and motioned for Rafael to lean over. "I must say, you're being very, very good tonight…so far. I'm impressed."

"I'm trying my best," Rafael whispered to him. "I want to be good for you."

"Another drink?" Steve asked.

"Thanks. I'll be right back."

"Ok, same. I'll just go to the bar. I haven't seen our server in ages."

"Busy place," Rafael said, looking around at the newly opened gay bar as he slid out from the booth and headed to the washroom.

Rafael sat back down at the table just as Steve returned carrying two Heinekens. "You're not trying to get me drunk, are you?" he asked, as he finished off his first beer. He put the bottle down and pushed it away, and took a sip from the bottle that Harris slid across the table to him.

"Two beers? You're not that cheap a date."

"Come on, admit it." He leaned across the table and took a sip of his drink. "You're planning to take advantage of me later, aren't you?"

"Like you're suddenly so innocent."

"I am innocent. Or I should say I was, until I met you. You, you corrupted me." He lowered his head and looked up at Harris with raised eyebrows, blushing, and a shy smile.

"God, you're good. I'd swear you're a virgin. You should take up acting," Steve said, laughing and sipping his drink. His smile faded quickly and a look of worry overtook his face. "Rafael, get your jacket. Let's go."

"What's wrong? Are you ok?"

"Let's get out of here."

"What? Are you serious? We just got a drink."

"We have to go," Steve said, pushing his drink away and reaching for his jacket. "Remember I told you about that ex of mine, the crazy one? He's here."

"You mean that Ken? The stalker?" Rafael asked, taking a quick sip of his drink and slipping his jacket on.

"He's heading over here. Don't say anything to him. Not a word, please, just trust me."

"Ok."

"Come on. Let's go."

Before Rafael could slide out of the booth, a man came up to the table and sat next to him.

"Steve," he said. How have you been? It's been a long time, too long."

"Ken, excuse me, we're just leaving."

"Don't be so rude, Steve. And who's this?" he asked, turning to Rafael and smiling at him.

Rafael stared at Steve across the table with a puzzled look on his face.

"What's the matter?" he asked. "Steve doesn't let you talk? He can be rather bossy, can't he?" He patted Rafael on the shoulder and smiled at Steve.

"Ken," Steve said, standing up and zipped up his jacket. He walked to Rafael's side of the table and bent down. "Move."

"Alright, alright. I just wanted to buy you gentleman a drink," Ken said, putting his hands in the air and standing up.

Worried, Barba got up from his seat and stood next to Harris.

"We're leaving," Steve said to Ken.

Ken stood in front of Rafael and dramatically eyed him up and down. "Really Steve? This," he said, holding his arms out towards Rafael, "is what you're tapping these days? Not that I can blame you."

Steve pushed Rafael behind him when Ken reached out to touch his cheek. "Do not touch him."

"Oh come on now. I don't want him, I want to talk to you."

Steve put his arm around Rafael and spun him around. "Let's go."

"Steve, I just want to talk…I think you owe me that at least."

With hand on his shoulder, Steve pushed Rafael towards the door, but Ken circumvented them near the exit and blocked it.

Steve pulled Rafael to his side, his arm tight around his shoulders. "We're not talking. Now get out of our way."

"Yeah, yeah. Can't say I'd blame you. If I had that, I'd be rushing out of here too."

Rafael felt Steve's arm crush his shoulders. He looked up and saw his face flinch, and as much as wanted to release a verbal tirade on Ken, for Steve's sake he bit his tongue and stared straight ahead as Steve pushed past Ken and out of the bar.

"Keep walking," he said to Rafael. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and dialed his friend, Derrick, an NYPD lieutenant.

"Hey," Ken said to Rafael. "So tell me, honey, is he paying you for the whole weekend?"

"Ignore him," Steve said in Rafael's ear.

"Jeez, Steve, doesn't he speak?"

"Derrick? Ken LeClerq is out? He spotted us at Flannigan's…Yeah, following us…Ok, how long? We're not far, we're going to get in a cab."

"Rafael, do not get separated from me," he said, grasping his shoulder tightly and walking fast.

"Ok, what's going on?"

"Just trust me. Stay with me, he's trying to get me to hit him. He's done it before. I don't want him to hit you."

Rafael looked behind them as Steve tugged him along. "He's following us."

"Don't let him get in between us. Please, Rafael. I'll explain later."

Rafael nodded and picked up his pace. "Steve, my arm."

"Sorry." He loosened his grip and finally slowed his pace. He led Rafael to the street, swearing at every cab that passed until one finally stopped to pick them up.

"I am so sorry about this," Steve said when he slid into the back of the cab beside Rafael. "Really sorry. I'll explain everything." He sighed and put his hand on his knee.


	10. Chapter 10

The cab darted in and out of traffic, whizzing them away from the bar and Ken. In the backseat Rafael's mind was fraught with worry. Looking up he saw stress etched on Steve's normally smiling, relaxed face. "Are you ok?"

"Yeah." He ran his hands through his hair and patted Rafael's knee. "I'll be fine."

"No," Rafael said. "You're scared of him."

Steve looked at him, shocked at the bluntness of his statement. "Yeah. I guess you could say I am. He's dangerous, Rafael. I'm not exaggerating." He put his hands to his face. "Oh god, I really thought I'd never have to deal with him again."

"Well, maybe it's just a coincidence that you saw him."

"I wish. But, he doesn't operate that way. It's no coincidence, believe me."

"What do you think he wants?"

"I don't know. I have so much to tell you. I just never got around to telling you everything. I swear, I wouldn't let him hurt you."

"I know that."

"I'm so sorry you had to listen to him. You never should have had to put up with him talking about you like that. I wanted to haul off and deck him. God, Rafael, I'm so sorry."

"Steve, it's ok. It's not your fault." Rafael hated seeing him this way. Steve was always the strong one, and seeing him upset worried Rafael so much that his head began to pound. All he wanted to do was go home and be with him, but he knew that Derrick would be the best person to help right now. Rafael yawned and put his arm around Steve. "It'll be ok. Nothing bad is going to happen. I promise." He sat up and kissed Steve on his cheek. "Don't worry," he said, smiling.

Steve offered him a quick kiss back. "I hope you're right...You can pull over here," he said to the cab driver. "Thanks." Steve paid and tipped him. He held the door for Rafael and ushered him into the lounge where Derrick was waiting.

"Steve," Derrick called. "I don't know how this happened. I had no idea he was out. You had no notification?"

Steve and Rafael sat down at Derrick's table. "None. I knew this day would come, but how did he find me? It can't be accidental."

Derrick shook his head. "You're right. I know this seems bad. Obviously this will be looked into…"

"Seems bad? Derrick, after everything that happened. I don't trust him. God knows what he's capable of. I just…well, I wouldn't put anything past him."

"I know. But, he's not stupid. He's not going to do anything to jeopardize his probation."

"He already did. He was right in our face, Derrick."

"Any threats?"

"No. Not directly. Just obnoxious. Incredibly rude."

"Of course…Hey?… is he ok?" Derrick asked pointing to Rafael.

Steve had been so overwhelmed with his problems that he had failed to notice that next to him, Rafael was sitting with his chin propped up in his hand, his head nodded forward and jerked back.

"Rafael," Steve said, turning to him. "Are you alright?"

Rafael's hand fell to the table, he opened his eyes, turned to Steve and smiled. "Uh huh. Just tired." He closed his eyes and propped his head up again. He leaned forward and his elbow slid off the edge of the table. "I'm fine…"

Steve looked puzzled. "You're sure?"

"Yeah."

Steve and Derrick exchanged glances and watched him place his hand to his forehead and tilt his head back. "Rafael," Steve said.

Rafael groaned. "What?" He rubbed his eyes and temples.

"Are you alright?"

"I don't feel well. I don't feel well at all." Rafael said. He stood up slowly. "I need some air…" he said, as he walked to the door.+

Derrick and Steve followed him outside. "My head...I feel dizzy," he said, staring blankly at Steve.

Steve guided him to a chair on the patio and knelt down in front of him. "I don't understand, he was fine a few minutes ago," he said to Derrick. Steve pulled up a chair beside him and put his arm around his shoulders. "Are you going to be sick?"

"I just need to sleep. I just had too much to drink maybe," he said with a laugh.

Steve looked up at Derrick and frowned. "That doesn't make any sense… He only had two…"

"Are you sure?" Derrick asked.

"Yeah, we went together, he hadn't had anything before. He had two Heineken. Well, not even, he didn't finish the last one…"

Rafael sighed quietly and put his hand to his head. He closed his eyes and put his hand on his forehead. "I'm a little dizzy," he moaned.

"Rafael, did you leave a drink alone?" Derrick asked.

"What?" Steve's head snapped up in Derrick's direction. "Derrick, you don't think?" His eyes flickered and his face changed with his recollection of the events of the evening. "Oh my god…Rafael, when you went to the bathroom, I was at the bar. Did you leave your drink?" He turned back to Derrick. "I think he did. I think when I went up to the bar, he left his drink."

Rafael sat quietly with a blank look on his face. Perspiration formed on his forehead and dripped down the sides of his face. "Can we just go home now?" He wiped the sweat from his brow. "Please?"

"Fuck!" Steve sprang up from his seat. He put his hand to his forehead and paced. "This is all my fault. Now he's going to hurt him too? Fuck!" Blinded with rage, he kicked a garbage can and nearly knocked it over. Ignoring the shocked expressions of people on the sidewalk, he turned back to Rafael and Derrick.

"Steve…calm down," Derrick said.

"Fuck! I'd better take him to the hospital."

Derrick noticed the sweat pouring down Rafael's face. He bent down to unzip his jacket, but Rafael swatted at his hands and twisted away. "Steve!" Derrick shouted, pointing at Rafael who flinched at each of Steve's outbursts. "Sit with him. I'll go get my car, it's just around the corner."

Kneeling down in front of Rafael and unzipping his jacket, Steve's heart raced. "Are you alright?" he asked.

Pale and trembling Rafael nodded. "I'm fine. Just tired." He took a deep breath and stood. "I just need a nap."

"Rafael, sit down."

"No. Let's go home."

"I'm taking you to the hospital." He wrapped his arms protectively around him. "I want to make sure you're ok."

Rafael nodded his head against Steve's chest. "Don't let go of me," he murmured. "Stay with me."

"Of course, baby. You'll be ok." Steve caught him as his knees buckled. "Rafael, come on. Let's go," he said when Derrick's car pulled up. He helped Rafael into the backseat and climbed in beside him.

Rafael lay down and curled up on his side, his legs resting on Steve's lap. "Can we go home?" he asked weakly.

"No, you're going to the hospital. Remember?"

"Oh."

* * *

"Derrick, this is all my fault," Steve said, sinking into a chair in the E.R. waiting room. "He's going after him now? After all this time, he hasn't given up?"

"It's not your fault. You don't even know for sure who drugged him, or if he even was. Maybe he's just sick?"

"No, I know. I know. I'm sure of it."

"He doesn't deserve any of this. He's innocent."

"And so are you. He's going to be ok. If he was drugged, we caught it early and he's being treated. Either way, you're going to have to let 1PP know that Ken stalked you in the bar. If Rafael was drugged, it's going to be hard to prove that Ken did it, but they'll have to take it seriously. Think about it, the partner of a police captain is drink is spiked? That's bad."

"What is taking so long? It's been nearly an hour."

"Go and ask. I'm going to make a few calls ok?"

Steve nodded and headed to the emergency room's reception desk. "I'm looking for information on a patient that arrived an hour ago."

"Name please?" asked the young brunette receptionist.

"Rafael Barba."

"Can you spell that?"

Leaning against the counter, he sighed. " a." He drummed his fingers impatiently on the counter.

"Oh yes. Here. And how are you related to the patient?"

"I'm not. I'm his partner, and I brought him to the E.R."

"I'm sorry, I can't release any information to you without his consent."

"Can I see him?"

"I'm sorry. Not until he's been triaged."

"So, you can't tell me anything?"

"I really can't. I'm sorry."

"Steve," Derrick called approaching Steve at the counter. "Anything?"

"No. They won't let me see him. They can't tell me anything." He sighed and put his hand to his forehead and dragged it slowly down his face.

"Come with me. Let's go outside for a minute, that's the least of your concern right now."

"What are you talking about?" Steve asked, walking with Derrick through the crowded waiting room.

They walked through the sliding doors and stood in the ambulance bay. "Steve. You've got a problem. I just talked to the precinct, and they received an emergency call from Flannigan's." Derrick sighed and looked cautiously over at Steve, leaning against the wall. "Someone there placed a call, and when the uni's arrived, witnesses told them that they saw a man fitting your description, wandering around, touching drinks, and then dragging a shorter man out of the bar and forcing him into a taxi."

"What? Oh god." Steve put his hands to his head in disbelief. "That's insane. Ridiculous. Ask Rafael, I went up to the bar once. That's it. Other than that, we sat together the entire time."

"I know, but it looks bad, Steve."

"I dragged Rafael out of there after Ken approached our table…I wasn't handling anyone's drinks aside from ours. Ken must have made the call. What possible witnesses saw me touching other peoples drinks?"

"I know it's crazy. Let me concentrate on that for now."

Steve laughed and shook his head. "I wouldn't put anything past him. He's capable of anything. But this? This is crazy. Rafael will tell you I didn't kidnap him out of the bar. Why is he even going there? He's crazy. I know he's trying to discredit me, but this is nuts."

"Steve. Let me worry about that. Of course it's nuts. But try not too worry, this will get all sorted out."

"I can't believe this. How did he get released with me knowing a thing about it? He's not going to stop until he destroys me, is he?"

"Don't go there. Come on, let's go back inside," Derrick said. "I'll flash my badge at them so you can go and see Rafael."

"Ahh...I didn't even think of that..."

* * *

"Excuse me," Derrick said, displaying his NYPD badge to the woman at the patient reception. "I'm the custodial officer who brought in Rafael Barba. I need to see him."

"Well, he's out of triage now. They've got him in an examination room," the woman said as her fingers flew on the computer keyboard, looking up the information. "Here it is, examination room six. Right through those doors, to the left."

"Thank you," Derrick said, as Steve rushed past him.

"Rafael," Steve said softly. He approached his bed and saw him fast asleep. "He's out of it," he said to Derrick. "Can you go and see if anyone knows anything?"

"I'll go find the doctor."

"Thanks."

An IV dripped slowly into Rafael's hand and a pulse oxygen monitor beeped softly. Steve pulled a chair up next to the bed and stroked his hand. He pulled the blankets up and tucked them around his shoulders. "Oh, Rafael. I'm so sorry," he whispered as he stroked his hair. He searched Rafael's face for any sign of him waking up. He lifted the oxygen mask from his face and wiped around his mouth.

"Steve. Come out here for a minute. The doctor has a minute to talk."

"I'm Dr. Baria," said a tall man with dark hair, extending his hand. "You're the police officers that brought the patient?"

"Yes," Steve showed him his badge. "That's correct."

"Well, we did a tox screen. The results just came back, and there was trace amounts of Rohypnol in his system. Blood alcohol was at .02, so not very high. He vomited on his own, shortly after we drew blood, so luckily there was no need to administer activated charcoal. He was drifting in and out of consciousness for a while. The report says he fell asleep shortly after he was triaged. There were no signs of assault, so maybe whoever slipped the drug to him did it as a prank. His vitals are stable. Basically, we're monitoring his blood levels and giving him some fluids. He's going to have to sleep it off. This sort of drug, he'll have one hell of a hangover, but, he's very lucky."

"When will he be released?" Steve asked.

"Once the drug doesn't show up in his bloodwork, and he's awake and aware. That may take several hours. Rohypnol sedation can last for up to eight hours. We'll be checking his blood again once he wakes up. Right now, the best thing is for him to sleep."

"He'll be ok?" Steve asked.

"Like I said, he'll suffer from the effects, much like an alcohol induced hangover, but yes, he'll recover. I'm actually surprised that there were drugs in his system. Most of the time, people that think they had their drink spiked are really suffering from over consumption of alcohol. I'll be back to check on him again in an hour, unless he wakes up before then. If you need me, just have me paged."

"Thank you," Steve said. "Thank you very much." He smiled at the doctor as he walked away.

"I told you, he's going to be fine," Derrick said. "Go back in there with him. I'm going to go talk to the uni's that attended the bar, see if I can read some of the witness reports and find out who placed the 911 call. Don't worry, we'll get to the bottom of this. Are you ok, or do you want me to stick around?"

"No, no. We're fine. You go do what you have to. Just keep me posted."

"I will. Try not to worry. This'll all get cleared up."

"Derrick, thanks. I owe you."

Derrick smiled at him and patted Steve's shoulder. "No problem. You'd do it for me. I'll let you know what I find."

* * *

Steve resumed his seat at Rafael's bedside. Out of loneliness and fear for himself and poor Rafael, he needed to talk. He pulled out his phone and called his mother. Even at his age, he was still the eternal mother's boy, and right now, he needed to talk to her.

"Mom? I have to talk to you. Rafael's in the hospital," he said, his voice nearly breaking.

"What? Is he ok? What happened?"

"He'll be ok, it's just that, well, it's my fault…" he took a deep breath and explained, desperately trying to maintain his composure.

"Oh, honey. That's not your fault. Did you call his mother?"

"No. Should I?" He looked over at Rafael and wondered what he would want. Steve realized that now, he was going to have to make a decision for him.

"He's her son. If you were in the hospital I'd want to know. You have to tell her."

"You're right. I'll call her." He hung up the phone and hoped that he was making the right decision by calling Rafael's mother.

Steve searched his phone contacts for her number and pressed "talk." He stroked Rafael's hand while the phone rang.

"Mrs. Barba? Its Steven…I'm sorry to bother you…I'm with Rafael, he's going to be ok, but he's in the hospital. I just wanted to let you know…Yes, we're at Lennox Hill…Ok, you have my cell number? Please call me when you get close. I'll come meet you."

* * *

When his phone rang, Steve ran through the waiting room to meet Lucia Barba's taxi. "Let me pay," he said, opening his wallet and handing cash to the driver. "I insist."

"What happened?"

"Mrs. Barba, I'm so sorry. We were out," Steve began. "Someone, slipped something into his drink. The police are investigating, a good friend of mine will make sure they get to the bottom of what happened," he told her, as they rushed to Rafael's room. "I didn't notice anything wrong with him at first, but about 20 minutes later, he suddenly seemed ill, really out of it. That's when we brought him here."

"This is crazy…Someone put a drug in his drink? How did that happen?"

"I don't know. That's why the police are looking into it… I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say…I feel responsible for all of this."

"The police are looking into it? You're a police officer. Why would someone do this?"

"I'm don't know for sure," Steve said. He couldn't bring himself to tell her his suspicions about Ken; Rafael didn't even know that yet. "I'm sorry," he said, touching her arm when they reached the examination room. "I love your son. I would die before I let anything happen to him. I told him that I'd protect him, and tonight, I didn't. I feel terrible."

Lucia Barba held her hand on the door and turned to look at Steve. "I don't understand all of this. He suddenly starts to date men, then he's selling his apartment to move in with you, and now, someone put a date rape drug in his drink? What am I supposed to think?"

"I can't imagine how you feel right now. Please believe me, I really do love him…I'd do anything for him."

"I have to go see my son," she said, as she pushed the door open.

"Mrs. Barba," Steve said, following her into the room. "Can I get you anything? Coffee? Anything?"

"No, I'm fine. Thank you." She took a seat beside Rafael's bed and smoothed his blankets. "Look at him. He looks awful. What did the doctor say?"

Steve stood at the other side of Rafael's bed and gently stroked his forehead. He looked up at Lucia with a sad smile. "He's going to be fine. They're giving him fluids, but luckily, he didn't ingest a lot of the drug. He won't be feeling so great when he wakes up, but, he'll be ok." He leaned over the bed and caressed Rafael's cheek. "I love him. More than anything. I promised him that I'd never let anything happen to him. Mrs. Barba, I only want the best for him, I promise to look out for him."

"Looks like it's going to be a long night here. Why don't you go and get some rest? I'll stay with him."

Steve shook his head. "I have to be here when he wakes up."

* * *

Rafael moaned. His head pounded, he moaned again and opened his eyes.

"Hey there," Steve said quietly. "How are you feeling?"

Rafael looked around the room, his mind in a fog. "Mmm…my head."

"I know. Your mom is here. We're worried about you."

"Steve?"

"Yeah? I'm right here. Do you need anything, Rafael?"

"Mami's here?"

"Yes, Rafi. I'm right here," she said, getting up from her chair and standing over his bed. "I'll go get the nurse."

Rafael shielded his eyes from the light and nodded his head. He lifted the oxygen mask from his face and licked his lips.

"Rafael, you know you're in the hospital?"

"Yeah. I want to go home."

"Soon ok? They have to check you out first."

"What happened?"

"You don't remember?"

He shook his head. "No." He struggled but managed to sit up. "I just want to go home. Please, Steve, take me home."

"As soon as the doctor comes, ok?"

* * *

When the taxi stopped in front of their building, Steve looked at Rafael, fast asleep and leaning against the window. "Mrs. Barba," he said. "I know it's late, but would you like to come up for a little while? I could use your help if you're not too tired."

Lucia turned around from the front seat and looked at him in shock. "Are you sure?" she asked, unbuckling her seatbelt.

"Yeah, I really could," he said. "Maybe you could help me get him settled?" He roused Rafael gently and helped him out of the car and into the building. "Thanks," he said to her as she held the door.

Steve walked slowly through the lobby, stooped over with his arm under Rafael's shoulders, supporting him as they headed towards the elevator. "11," he said to Lucia, when it arrived. Rafael leaned against him, breathed heavily, and closed his eyes. Steve held him by the shoulders, stood up straight, and stretched his back. When the doors opened, he resumed his position, his arm threaded under Rafael's shoulders and they shuffled out into the hallway.

"Come on, Rafael," Steve said when Rafael stopped walking.

"I can't."

"Yes, you can. We're almost there."

Rafael bent his knees and sank to the floor and leaned up against the wall. "I need to rest. Just for a minute."

Sighing, Steve got down on his knee and put his hand on Rafael's shoulder. "Ok. Just tell me when you're ready."

Nodding, Rafael drew his knees up and put his head down. "My head," he said, closing his eyes and holding his hands at his forehead.

"I know it hurts. But you can't sleep here. You can go to bed in just a few minutes."

"Rafi," Lucia said, bending down. "You have to stand up. Come on now."

Slowly, Rafael stood up and braced himself against Steve. "I'm dizzy," he whined. He covered his eyes with his hand and sighed. "I just want to sit down," he said, and began to sink slowly to the floor again.

"Would you mind opening the door?" Steve asked Lucia, handing her his keys. "1109, second last door on the right." He watched while she headed down the hallway before he turned back to Rafael. "Here, I'll help you." He took a breath, bent down slightly, and picked him up in his arms. Rafael went limp, making him seem heavier than he really was, but Steve was strong and carried him easily the length of the hallway and past Lucia who held the apartment door open for them.

"Oh, thank goodness you're here," she said.

Steve carried him to the bedroom and gently laid him on the bed. "He's already asleep," he whispered.

"Do you need anything?"

"Yeah," Steve said. "I'll sit him up. Can you get his jacket and shirt off?" he asked.

"Anything you need."

A quiet groan came from Rafael when Steve sat him up. His head lolled back and he let out a quiet moan.

"Rafael, we're just going to make you comfortable. You can sleep in just a minute."

"You said that already." Rafael let out an irritated sigh while Steve held him and Lucia slipped off his jacket and sweater.

"I'll get his shoes," Lucia said, smiling to herself slightly while her son whined and moaned at her touch. "He's always been a horrible patient," she said, patting Rafael's leg gently. "His abuelita called him a _tiquismiquis -_ a fusspot."

"Really?"

"Oh, yes. Even as a baby, he'd cry and cry if you put him down. He wanted to be held all the time. Such a little fusspot," she whispered.

Steve smiled knowingly at Lucia and nodded his head. It was the first tid-bit of information he had ever heard about Rafael's childhood from someone other than Rafael himself. "I can believe that," he said.

Rafael let out a long, loud exasperated sigh. "I'm right here."

"Sorry, Rafael," Steve said.

Lucia folded his sweater and put it on the dresser. "I'll put these in the front closet," she said, holding his shoes and jacket.

"Yeah, thanks," Steve said, as he put Rafael's head through the hole of a sweatshirt. "Almost done, Rafael. I promise," he said, pulling his arms through the sleeves.

"Stop it. I don't want to," Rafael whined when Steve undid his belt buckle. "Ugh, Steve, I'm not in the mood. I'm sick," he moaned as Steve, red-faced and hoping that Lucia didn't overhear Rafael's comment, slid his jeans off of his hips. "Don't," he whined. "I just want to sleep."

"Rafael, I know. I'm just taking off your jeans. You won't sleep well with them on." He tugged his jeans off and rolled him onto his side. "Are you cold? Do you want some pajama pants on?"

"No," he said, his lips formed into an annoyed pout.

"Ok. Do you want anything else?"

Rafael moaned and pulled the covers up over his head. Though his mind was foggy, he was getting frustrated that neither Steve nor his mami would leave him alone and let him sleep. "Mmm…no."

"I put a pail here just in case you feel sick. I'll leave the light on for you," he said, flicking on the table lamp. When he realized he was talking to a sleeping person he stood and patted Rafael's shoulder.

* * *

"He's all settled," Steve said to Lucia.

"It's very late, I have to get going."

"Are you sure? There's a guest room. You're welcome to spend the night."

"No, no. But thank you. I already called a taxi. I have to visit my mother in the morning."

"Let me pay for your cab home then."

"No thanks, Steve. It's fine," she said.

"Alright. But I'll come down and wait until you get a cab."

"Thank you, Steve. But you just stay here with Rafi."

"He'll be ok for a few minutes. I insist," Steve said, following her out of the apartment.

"Can you call when you get home?" Steve asked, when they got to the lobby. "Just so I know you made it home. Rafael always gets mad at me when I ask him to do that."

"I will," she said, hesitating before she opened the door. "And thank you for looking after Rafael."

After she was safely in the taxi, Steve hurried back to check on Rafael, hoping that he hadn't woken to an empty apartment. When he found him still sleeping soundly, he breathed a sigh of relief and changed into a fresh pair of pajama pants. He quietly headed to the bathroom to brush his teeth but stopped at the doorway when he heard Rafael stir.

"Where were you?" Rafael asked.

"Sorry, I thought you were sleeping. I just walked your mom downstairs," Steve said, turning back to the bedroom.

"Oh."

Steve paused and watched him turn over and pull the covers back up. After a moment, he continued to the bathroom and had nearly finished brushing his teeth when Rafael called him.

"Steve?"

"Just a second," he replied as he rinsed and spat into the sink. "What is it?" he asked, approaching the bed.

"I'm cold."

"Do you want some bottoms to put on?"

"Yeah."

"Anything else?" Steve asked, as he helped him into a pair of sweatpants.

"No." Rafael shook his head, and then nodded. "Something to drink. My stomachs sore."

"Do you want some water or – "

"7-Up."

Despite the horrible events of the evening and his exhaustion, Steve found the energy to smile. "I'll go and get you some."

Rafael stretched, rubbed his eyes and sat up in bed. "Mmm…thanks," he mumbled, when Steve returned and held the glass for him.

"Drink it slowly," Steve said, when Rafael began to gulp the drink through the straw. "Slowly, Rafael. Too fast and you'll upset your stomach." He moved the glass away from a moment to give him a chance to breath. "Just little sips…that's it…" He smiled sadly when Rafael leaned against him, nodded his head, and looked up at him with trusting eyes. "You're going to be ok," he said, and kissed the top of his head.

Rafael was so tired that he closed his eyes and swayed a little with the straw still in his mouth. He slumped a little more into Steve and felt his arm tighten around his shoulders.

"Take another sip. You have to keep hydrated."

He took a small sip and pushed the glass away. "I'm done."

Steve put the glass down on the table. "Do you want to try the bathroom?"

"Yeah."

Steve stood and held his arm out. He walked behind Rafael to the en-suite and stood by nervously, arm outstretched and ready to catch him in case he fell or stumbled. He stood behind Rafael and held his shoulders while he washed his hands. "Let's go to bed. You can finally get some sleep."

They curled up in bed beside one another. Rafael quickly fell into a deep sleep, but every time Steve closed his eyes, his mind raced with guilt and worry. This entire mess was his fault. How would he explain what happened to Rafael when he woke up, he wondered. And, would he be able to forgive him for dragging him into this mess? Poor Rafael, who'd already had to endure so much in life didn't deserve any of this.

Steve kept his phone close by waiting for a call from Lucia. He checked his messages again, and wondered why Derrick hadn't called with any information yet. Thank goodness they had gone to meet up with him. It was Derrick that had first seen that there was something wrong with Rafael. _I was too wrapped up in my own self-pity to notice._ It was late, nearly 4am, Derrick probably wouldn't call until the morning now. Steve thought about the accusations made against him, they could ruin his career. The logical part of his brain told him that anyone could plainly see how ridiculous those accusations were, but his nerves were getting the best of him. What possible witnesses saw him touching drinks? He knew he had done no such thing, but, he remembered that Ken was well-connected with all sorts of questionable people. Maybe, he paid people to lie? It wouldn't be surprising.

Finally, his phone rang, it was Lucia calling to say she had arrived at home. In a hushed voice he thanked her for her help and told her he would call later with an update on Rafael. He hung up and wrapped his arms around Rafael, knowing that he would likely feel ill from the effects of being drugged for at least the next day, possibly longer. Now that Ken had seen Rafael, Steve worried for his safety.

On the brink of tears, Steve rubbed his eyes, and refused to allow himself to cry. He kissed Rafael's neck and stroked his hair. When he couldn't stop his tears, he climbed quietly out of bed and headed to the living room. Rafael needed to sleep and he didn't want him to worry.

The tears that fell from his eyes made him feel worse. He had no right to cry, especially when he needed to be strong for Rafael. Steve wiped his eyes and curled up on the couch.


	11. Chapter 11

The knocking at the door wasn't enough to fully rouse Steve from his sleep. He had heard it, but was certain that it was his imagination, so he shifted in the rocker-recliner and pulled the afghan blanket his mother had crocheted for him up, stretched, and tried to fall back asleep. Almost as soon as his eyes closed they flew wide open at the sound of a soft voice crying his name.

Rafael sounded distressed. Steve pulled the lever to right the recliner and stood. "Coming," he said, yawning and stretching his arms over his head. _Shit._ He hadn't meant to fall asleep in the living room and leave Rafael alone. As he rounded the corner out of the living room, his jaw dropped and he froze.

"Steve," Rafael cried, his eyes wide with fear.

"Oh my god. Rafael…"

"Steven, how nice to see you again," Ken hissed. He held Rafael tightly, one arm wrapped around his neck, his other hand holding a gun to his head.

"Ken…There's no need for this," Steve pleaded, his hands in the air. His eyes darted from Rafael's panicked face, to Ken, his face full of hatred and rage.

Rafael whined softly, his eyes staring at Steve and begging silently for help.

"Quiet," Ken whispered in his Rafael's ear. "Steven, tell him to be quiet."

"Rafael, shh. It'll be ok. Ken, please. Let him go."

Rafael gasped and stumbled as Ken jerked his arm tighter around his neck. Incensed, Ken drew his hand back and hit Rafael with the gun. "Shut up," he screamed. "Tell your little fuck-piece here to shut the fuck up…" Ken yelled, his rage growing with every moan and whine Rafael made.

"Be quiet, Rafael. Ken and I are just going to talk for a bit. Everything's going to be ok."

Nodding, Rafael held his breath and focused his gaze again on Steve. He let out a whimper when Ken jerked him sideways and shoved the barrel hard against his temple.

"I said, tell him to shut the fuck up before I blow his head off. I'm not fooling around here…" Ken pointed the gun at Steve and then back at Rafael.

"Rafael, just be quiet. Please, just calm down." Steve closed his eyes and shook his head. "I'm so sorry, Rafael. I'm sorry -" he muttered.

"Steve," Rafael sobbed. "You said you wouldn't let anyone hurt me," he cried, as Ken's finger twitched against the trigger.

"Ken, don't do this…" Steve said. Less than a second later his knees gave out and he collapsed, unsure of what he experienced first; hearing the bang of the gun or seeing Rafael fly from Ken's hold and fall to the floor.

* * *

Startled, Steve woke from his nightmare to Rafael standing in the living room, rubbing his eyes, and calling him.

"Steve? Are you alright?"

Adrenaline pumped through his body and Steve flew from his chair to Rafael. He pressed Rafael's head against his shoulder and held him tightly. "Rafael, thank-god. Are you ok?"

"Yeah," Rafael whispered, as he squirmed in Steve's embrace. "Are you?" he asked, his face squished between Steve's shoulder and hand. Alarmed, he sensed Steve's panic; he had always relied upon his calm, even-keeled personality to keep him grounded. "Were you having a nightmare?"

"Promise me, don't answer the door," he said. He bent down and swept Rafael up into his arms.

"What? Steve…" Rafael wrapped his legs around his waist and looked down into Steve's eyes. He cupped his face in his hands, unnerved by his strange request. "Why?"

"Rafael, please. Just play along. For me?" Steve begged. Gently, he jostled Rafael in his arms. "Just promise me, until this is all over, ok?"

"Ok…I promise. Wait. Till what's over? Put me down," he said, straightening his legs and struggling in Steve's grasp.

As soon as Rafael's feet touched the floor, Steve drew him into a bear-hug. "Rafael, I'm sorry."

Rafael relaxed against Steve's large frame and listened to his ragged breath. "Steve, what's going on?" he finally asked.

"Shh. Not now, Rafael. How are you feeling?"

"A bit rough, but I'll be fine."

Steve bent down and put his hands on Rafael's shoulders. "I'm exhausted. Do you still want to sleep for a bit?"

"Yeah…I'm still pretty tired too."

"Steve," Rafael said, when he felt Steve curl up behind him. "What were you dreaming about?"

"Just a nightmare. Nothing important. Let's just have a nap."

* * *

"Really?" Steve asked, trying not to sound too astonished. "You don't miss your father?" He sat back on the couch and stared at Rafael beside him.

Leaning forward and resting his elbows on his knees, Rafael licked his lips and stared at the floor under his feet. He shook his head a little and looked up at Steve. "I wasn't as lucky as you in the father department."

"Oh, I'm sorry…I didn't mean to pry."

"No, it's ok. You didn't know."

"Do you want to talk about it?" Steve asked, his voice soft and concerned.

"There's nothing to talk about." Rafael sat up straight and shrugged his shoulders. A sudden shyness came over him and he looked away. "It's no big deal."

Frowning, Steve rubbed Rafael's shoulder, lost for what to say next. He leaned down and gave him a gentle kiss on his cheek. "If you ever want to talk, you just say so. I love you, Rafael. Very much," he said, and kissed his cheek again.

"I know," Rafael said. He leaned his head on Steve's shoulder and smiled when he put his arm around him. Desperate to find a distraction from the moment, he picked up the remote and aimlessly flicked though the channels. "You decide," he said, and handed the remote to Steve.

Steve feigned interest in a cooking program and fidgeted with the remote, tapping it against his thigh and drumming his fingers on its side. He made little comments on the show, ran his hand up and down Rafael's side, looked down at him and wondered what he was thinking about.

Rafael forced himself to find the program interesting, nodding his head and agreeing with whatever comment Steve had made. "Steve?"

"Yeah?"

"Nothing."

"Are you watching this?" Steve asked as he started to massage Rafael's neck.

"No," Rafael said, leaning into Steve and looking up at him.

"Me neither." Steve turned off the TV and tossed the remote on the table beside him. He shifted on the couch and stretched out his legs. "Here," he said, patting his chest and holding out his arms.

Rafael lay down and rested his head on Steve's chest. Comforted by the closeness and intimacy of the moment, his body relaxed on Steve's, feeling small and protected. He sighed as Steve massaged the back of his neck and shoulders. "I was hit when I was a kid…a lot. I guess, really, I was beaten up. Pretty bad sometimes. Like, not spankings, you know?"

"Oh no. That's awful. I'm so sorry, Rafael. I don't even know what to say."

"It was ages ago…I try not to think about it too much. Sometimes I have nightmares, but really, I don't let it bother me anymore. My dad…He, umm, hated me I guess. He was always mad at me, yelling at me or hitting me." Rafael's fingers circled and drummed on Steve's shoulders. He closed his eyes and bit his bottom lip to keep it from trembling.

"It was that bad?" As his heart sank, Steve raised his head and looked at Rafael, now lying still. He ran his hand through Rafael's hair and down his spine and back up to his neck. "I'm sorry…such a stupid question…Do you want to tell me about it?"

"I guess the worst thing he did was break my wrist. He was always yelling, smacking me, calling me names." Rafael sat up and unconsciously rubbed his left wrist.

"He broke your wrist? Oh my god, Rafael…This one?" Steve asked, taking Rafael's left hand in his.

"Yeah."

Steve sat up beside him and kissed Rafael's hand. He held his hand and massaged his wrist with his thumb. "I'm so sorry that you had to go through that…"

"I can still feel the spot where it was broken. It still hurts sometimes," he said, his voice cracking. He snuggled close and wiped his eyes, determined not to break down in front of Steve. In an attempt to disguise a sob, he forced himself to cough, and bit the inside of his cheek, as his mind struggled with an emotional tug of war. Part of him wanted to let out all of his pain, and confide in Steve, but the other part of his mind told him to remain stoic and strong. Steve's tenderness was making it hard for him to contain his emotions and the kinder and gentler he was, the harder it was for Rafael to hide his pain.

"I'm so sorry...Is this ok?" Steve asked, holding Rafael's forearm and rubbing his wrist slowly.

Swallowing the lump in his throat, Rafael nodded. "It hurt so much, Steve."

"I can't imagine how awful it was for you. You must have been so frightened, poor baby."

"Yeah. I never understood why. Like, what did I do to make him hate me so much that he hurt me like that?"

"You didn't do anything -"

"Well now, that's not true. I must have. Why else?" Rafael asked, shrugging his shoulders and raising his eyebrows. "Why? Tell me, Steve."

"I don't know. But, I do know that it's not your fault. You realize that, don't you?"

"Yeah, I know. But still, I sure pissed him off."

Steve put his arm around Rafael's shoulder and squeezed him tight. "I love you, Rafael. I promise I'll never let anyone hurt you ever again."

* * *

Despite his headache, Rafael smiled when he opened his eyes, finding himself wrapped in Steve's protective arms. He rolled over and touched his cheek. "Steve."

"Hey. How are you doing?"

"Better…a lot better."

Smiling, Steve propped himself up on his elbow and leaned over Rafael. "Thank god," he said, leaning down to give the smiling Rafael a kiss.

"Steve, you have to tell me what's going on. We went out yesterday and I know I was in the hospital, but everything is…fuzzy, like a weird dream."

"Rafael," he sighed. "Do you want me to get you something? Maybe something to eat? Coffee?"

"Steve...I know something happened."

"How much do you remember?"

"Just sitting with you, and your ex showed up…Then, in the hospital, you…and my mom? Was she there?"

"Yeah, she was. She came right away. She was worried. I was too…Rafael, I have to tell you something. I don't know how to tell you this, so I'll just come right out with it. Someone put something in your drink. I don't know for sure, but, I think it was Ken that drugged you…"

"What? A date-rape drug?" Rafael sat up suddenly. "Are you serious? He drugged me? He didn't do anything did he?"

"No. Nothing like that happened. We left the bar by cab as soon as he came to our table. We went to see Derrick. That's when he noticed you were sick. He's the one that figured it out…We took you to the ER, and the tests showed that you had Rophypnol in your system."

"You're sure, right?"

"Positive. We were only apart for a moment, when you went to the washroom and I went to get us a drink. I promise you. Aside from drugging you, no one hurt you."

"Oh." Rafael lay back down and curled up. "You think Ken did it? Why would he do that?"

"Rafael, he's crazy. And he's dangerous. I think he targeted you to get to me. I'm so sorry this happened. Baby, you have no idea how sorry I am."

"You don't have to be sorry, Steve. It's not your fault."

"I have so much to tell you."

"You always tell me that I can tell you anything. You can tell me anything too, no matter what."


	12. Chapter 12

Steve sat on the couch next to Rafael and handed him his first coffee of the day. "I told you that he stalked me," he began with a long sigh. "Well, there's a little more to it than that. Actually…a lot more. And, Rafael, it's not a time in my life I'm proud of..."

Rafael sipped at his still steaming coffee and shifted close to Steve. "You know that no matter what, I'd never judge you. It's my turn to listen to you and to help you if I can," Rafael said. To show his support for whatever Steve was about to say, he shifted closer to him and put his hand on his knee. "You can tell me anything."

"Well, Ken and I didn't even date for all that long, five or six months at the most. Anyway, I started to become suspicious of some of the things he was doing. Eventually, I found out the truth. He was a slum-landlord and he was involved with a lot of shady dealings; scamming insurance companies, packing too many tenants into his properties, that sort of thing. I broke up with him right away, but he kept calling me and asking me to look into and get rid of some of the complaints against him, and of course, I wouldn't do that. It wasn't long before I found out he'd been charged with some by-law offences."

"But his activities had nothing to do with you. None of that is your fault. And, you broke up with him as soon as you found out, right?"

"Right, well at the time I was up for promotion to lieutenant, which added a lot to my stress level. But, Rafael, here's the part that's my fault. To this day, I'm ashamed to even think about it…I wasn't out at work. I let people assume I was straight. Not something I'm proud of at all. It was a different time when I started on the force…I know that sounds like an excuse, but only a few years before I started, they said that gay people weren't fit to be law enforcement officers. So, I spent all those years keeping that part of my life quiet…Don't ask, don't tell, you know?"

"Steve. It's no one else's business but yours. I can understand why you didn't tell. It wouldn't have been easy, especially in those days. It's sad that you didn't feel comfortable, but that's not your fault, it's the way things were, and still is a bit."

"Well, he threatened to out me, to the squad and to my captain at the time. Eventually, he did just that. I should have done it myself in the first place of course. I shouldn't have been ashamed, and I wish I had been braver. I regret it all now of course. I lost some friends over it. Some people couldn't handle me being gay. Oh, god Rafael, it was such a mess," Steve explained, his voice wavering.

Rafael frowned at the pain that was so evident in Steve's voice as he told his story. "Steve. That's horrible. I don't know what to say."

Sighing, Steve ran his hand through his hair and patted Rafael's knee. "I thought I'd face discrimination, I even thought I'd lose out on the promotion. Well, I did get promoted, and of course I wasn't outright harassed, but, I was treated differently for a while after. Eventually, it all became old news, and everyone but Ken moved on. He didn't stop. He began to stalk me and create drama whenever he could. Finally, just before I met you, things with him went quiet. I found out that he was arrested and charged with some tax evasion, he was supposed to serve two years, but he obviously was paroled early."

"Oh my god…Steve." Rafael crawled next to Steve on the couch and put his arm around him. "The guy sounds like scum. I'm sorry that you ever had to deal with someone so horrible. I wish there was something I could do."

"Anyway, there's an element to him that's dangerous…he's not all just white-collar. He made threats and made my life miserable for a long time. He was the worst mistake I've ever made. It was Derrick who stood by me through everything. He believed me through it all, he saw how Ken really was. Rafael, when he showed up yesterday, I was in shock. I wanted to protect you from all of this. You have to believe me, I never, ever wanted you to be subject to him. I wanted to hit him, it took everything for me not to. If I would have, I would have been giving him exactly what he wanted…then he could have had me charged. That's why he was saying those things about you, to get me to hit him or to lash out at him somehow. Nothing about him should surprise me about him anymore. Here's the thing, Rafael, when you got to the hospital, Derrick made some calls. A 911 call was made from the bar, just after we left, reporting that a man, meaning me, was tampering with drinks. They thought I had put something in your drink and was dragging you out of the bar against your will…Of course, it did look like I was dragging you out of there, because, well, I was. The police showed up, and witnesses remembered seeing us leaving. Derrick got that all sorted out, thank-god, and we think that it was Ken who placed the call, and led people into thinking I did something. I know he'd slip you something to make it look like I did it. To put doubt in your mind about me, and to get me into trouble. He had no qualms about harming you, to get to me…That's how calculating he is…"

Rafael shook his head his head at the words that poured from Steve's mouth. Not one to ever be speechless, Rafael searched for the right words. He sat up on his knees and put his arms around him. "I can't believe that you had to go through something so awful."

"I'm just so sorry that you had to be involved, that you got hurt because of one of my past mistakes. I swore that after everything you went through with your father, I would always protect you. And, now, here we are, you got hurt because of me…I'm so sorry, I was so worked up over seeing him, I didn't even realize what had happened. It was Derrick who figured out that there was something wrong. He's the one who thought you were drugged, if it hadn't have been for him, things could have been worse. I keep thinking of what would have happened if he hadn't noticed. You have no idea how awful I feel. And when I had to tell your mother? I was so ashamed…I couldn't tell her about Ken, it's all just too awful."

"What happened wasn't your fault. Besides, he'd already spiked my drink by the time we even saw him, right? So how would you have even stopped him? I shouldn't have left my drink, but, it's his fault, not yours."

"But it's my past that caused you to end up in the hospital."

"Steve, I'm fine. I feel like I have a bad hangover, but, I'm ok. He's the one that's crazy. I'm just sorry that you had to deal with him…Don't feel bad for me…I don't even remember it really. Derrick noticed, but you're the one who looked after me, again, like you always do. You're the one who made sure I was safe." Rafael sat back and leaned against Steve's chest and looked up to his eyes. "You helped me get into bed. I kind of remember that…you made sure I was safe and comfortable. No one else would do that for me."

"Your mom helped too."

"I can't believe she came."

"She was so worried. I could see it in her eyes, Rafael. She loves you. You should probably call her and let her know that you're ok."

"I'll call her. But right now, I'm more worried about you. Don't blame yourself, please? Don't think that I do either. I'll tell you something, I have never felt safer than when I am with you. You're always looking out for me. You always put me first. I didn't get that growing up. You spoil me and put up with all of my quirks. No one has ever been so nice to me. I love you so much."

"How are you feeling now?"

"Like I said, hungover. But, I'll be ok."

"Hungry?"

"A little bit. I guess I should eat something."

"You lay down here and I'll make you a snack."

* * *

"There's no way I can convince you to take the day off?" Steve asked, as Rafael dressed for his first day at work after the incident with Ken.

"Steve," Rafael said, as he looped his tie around his neck and made a Windsor knot. "I'm fine."

"You're sure?"

"Yes. I'm sure." Rafael stood on his toes and gave Steve a peck on his cheek.

"Ok, well then let me give you a ride…I can sneak out a little early and pick you up."

"All the way to Brooklyn? No, I'll be ok."

"I don't mind."

"Steve."

"Rafael."

"I'm fine."

"I know you're fine. Just let me drive you."

"What do you think is possibly going to happen? He's not going to abduct me off the street."

"I know. I just worry."

"You worry way too much. I'm a big boy," Rafael said, as he buttoned his coat and checked his pockets for his gloves. "He's not going to do anything."

"Call me when you get there then."

"Are you serious?"

"Please? For me? Just to ease my mind."

"Ok, but really…"

"Oh, one more thing…for me? I know you're going to sigh and roll your eyes, but here," Steve said, handing him a paper bag. "Have lunch in your office."

"You made me lunch?" Rafael asked. "You know me all too well." He rolled his eyes and sighed. "You were right about rolling my eyes."

"Just stay in for lunch today."

"What's in here?" Rafael asked. He opened the bag and examined its contents. "A sandwich, cut diagonally, just like my mom used to, an apple, some yogurt, a granola bar…Where's the juice-box?" Rafael took the bag and tried to fit it into his briefcase.

"Don't, you'll squish it."

"God, Steve," Rafael said, closing his briefcase and frowning as he examined himself in the mirror, holding the bagged lunch in one hand, his briefcase in the other. "I look like I'm in grade two."

"Just be careful. And, call me when you get there."

"Are you going to check up on me 20 times today?"

"Hmm…30."

"I'll call you as soon as I get there," Rafael said, opening the door. "And Steve?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks…And you be careful too."

For the next few days, Steve insisted that Rafael check in with him several times a day. Rafael tried to be good-natured about it, but Steve constantly hovering over him was quickly becoming tiresome. To appease him, Rafael complied and called him, once when he arrived safely at work, if he had to leave his office, and before he left work for home.

"We have to talk," Rafael announced one evening when he walked in the door from work. He dropped his briefcase to the floor and hung his coat in the closet and turned to Steve.

"About what?" Steve asked, kissing Rafael's neck and wrapping him in a warm embrace.

"I think you know," Rafael said with a slight smile. "You can't go on worrying about me all day. I mean, it's sweet that you care, and I appreciate it, but I can't keep calling you all the time. Like today, I got busy, and you got all panicky. I had three missed calls from you. I don't want you being so worried all the time."

"I'm sorry. I'll try to stop…I promise I'll stop. I just worry."

"I know. But, I'm not a little kid. I'm a big boy. I can look after myself."

* * *

After the long and rough week that they had both endured, Rafael should have been happy that Friday had finally arrived, but the end of the week also meant dinner at his mother's which he had been dreading. A general sense of unease grew in him through the day and he wished he could come up with a plausible excuse to get out of the situation which was certainly going to be uncomfortable.

As he pulled on his jeans, Rafael sighed, knowing that running away from the situation wouldn't help anything. All he could hope for was that his mother would be nice to Steve and that she wouldn't say anything negative about their relationship.

"You look gorgeous, just so you know," Steve said, rising from the bed and touching Rafael's shoulder. "Only you can look so good in a pair of jeans," he added, smoothing Rafael's hair and pecking him on the cheek. "It's going to be fine. We're going to go and have a good time, ok

Rafael smiled to hide his nerves and ran a comb through his hair. "I hope so," he said, his smile growing wider as Steve took the comb from him and parted his still damp hair.

"Remember you were supposed to show me how to do your hair? Is that deal still on?"

"Yeah," Rafael said, taking the comb back from Steve's hand and tossing to the dresser. "But this is good enough for tonight. Steve, I'm a little nervous."

"Are you alright?" Steve asked, rubbing Rafael's shoulders.

"Yeah. I'll get over it."

"You're sure?"

"I'll be alright."

"I'll be right there beside you. You just remember that I'm there for you, ok?" Steve embraced Rafael and softly stroked his cheek. "I love you, sweetie," he whispered into his ear.

"I love you too." Rafael pressed his head against Steve's chest and looked up into his face. "I'll be ok." He blew out a loud breath, his smile belied his doubts.


	13. Chapter 13

"Hey, pull over here," Steve said, gesturing to the side of the road and unbuckling his seatbelt.

"What? Here?" Rafael asked, confused, but complying with Steve's request.

"I'll be right back."

"Steve?" Rafael called. "Where are you going?" he asked, but Steve just smiled and shut the car door. Rafael sighed and drummed his fingers on the steering wheel and wished he could just turn the car around and go home. Dinner at his mother's was the very last thing Rafael wanted; he had been dreading it all week, but didn't want to make a fuss about it to Steve. After hearing everything that Steve had gone through with Ken, Rafael wanted to be strong for him, and to stop whining about his strained relationship with his mother. He was certain that Steve was growing tired of having to give him pep talks to reassure him and build his confidence. He'd dwelled on his past for too long, and although he never complained and had always been supportive, Steve must be tired of hearing about it.

The car door opened and Steve slid into the passenger seat with a wide grin on his face. He leaned over and kissed Rafael and patted his knee. "For your mom," he said, smiling proudly and holding an arrangement of blue hyacinths and baby's breath.

Rafael stared at him for a moment before putting the car in drive and pulling out into traffic. "Nice," he said, forcing himself to smile when he noticed Steve glance over at him. He couldn't describe his feelings, but Rafael wasn't pleased.

"Well," Steve said. "I decided I'd better suck up to your mom somehow."

Steve's words put helped Rafael put his emotions into perspective. After everything that his mother had done; doing little to protect him from his father, and not been supportive of Rafael and Steve's relationship, Steve had no reason to try to impress her. Although Rafael didn't understand, he didn't want to offend Steve either as his heart was in the right place. "She'll love them, but you didn't have to do that," Rafael said, his smile fading into a slight frown as he turned his head away.

"I know, but, I'm visiting her home for the first time. It's old fashioned, but it's the proper thing to do."

Rafael bit the inside of his cheek and stared ahead as he drove and wondered if he was being unreasonable.

"Well, this is it," Rafael said, waving his arm towards the small, brick, walk-up building. He closed the car door and looked over at Steve. "Are you impressed?"

"I'm just happy to finally see where you grew up," Steve said as he walked around the car and patted Rafael on his back.

"Not exactly like your old neighborhood is it?" Rafael asked as they walked past old buildings, shuttered up and sprayed with graffiti. He dug around in his coat pocket, fished out his keys and unlocked the door to his mother's building. "Third floor."

"Come here for a second," Steve said when they reached the top of the staircase. He smiled as Rafael turned to him with a frown. "I love you," he said, grasping Rafael by his shoulders giving him a hug. "Everything's going to be ok."

The smell of lechon asado wafted into the hall when Lucia opened the door, smiling and wiping her hands on a tea towel. "Come in. Hello Steve. Rafi, how are you feeling?" she asked, putting her arms around her son.

"I'm good."

"Are you sure you're feeling better? You look so tired. How are those headaches?"

Rafael turned his head and rolled his eyes at Steve when Lucia lightly patted his cheek. "Mami, I'm fine. How are you?"

"Good, busy, but good. Show Steve where to hang his jacket and have a seat. Dinners almost ready."

Rafael hung his and Steve's jackets in the tiny closet just inside the front door. He turned to Steve and extended his arm. "Well, here it is…Mami, let me do that," Rafael said, when he saw Lucia pulling the table away from the wall.

"I've got it. Now, Rafi, I was thinking you sit there," Lucia said, heading to the kitchen and returning with plates and cutlery.

"Dinner smells good," Steve said. "Is there anything I can do to help?"

"No, you just relax," Lucia insisted, making her way from the kitchen with the evenings meal.

"This is delicious," Steve said. He eyed Rafael across the table and noticed he was spending more time pushing food around on his plate instead of eating.

"Steve's right. It's really good," Rafael said. He took a tiny bite, wiped his mouth and looked from his mother to Steve.

"Rafi, what's wrong? You're hardly eating," Lucia said, frowning.

"Nothing. Maybe you were right, I'm just a little tired."

"I thought you should have taken a few days off after what happened last weekend. Steve, has there been any progress with that? Did the police find out who would do such a thing?" Lucia asked.

"Well, to be honest, there was a lead, but unfortunately, it's a very difficult thing to prove."

"What happened? If there was a suspect, why not arrest him?"

"Mami," Rafael sighed, "it doesn't work that way."

"Rafi, you could have been hurt."

"I told you I'm fine." Rafael took another bite and raised his eyes and looked across the table at Steve. At least he seemed to be enjoying dinner, Rafael thought as he swallowed a bite of the roast pork and cut off another piece.

"The police are haven't forgotten, if any new evidence comes up, they'll investigate," Steve said. He looked over at Rafael and immediately sensed the tension in him, which Lucia seemed to oblivious to.

"I was just worried about you. I don't understand who would want to hurt you."

Rafael shrugged his shoulders. "It was probably just a prank," he muttered as he put his cutlery down and pushed his plate away. "Right Steve?"

Steve raised his eyebrows. "Maybe. Maybe a prank," he said. He looked at Rafael who gazed back at him and frowned. "Rafael recovered pretty quickly. I would have made sure he didn't go to work if he wasn't well enough."

"Well, as long as you're ok now," Lucia said. "Is that all you're going to eat?"

"Yeah. I guess I'm not that hungry."

"Alright. Well, I'll pack some up for you to take home," she said with a sigh, removing his plate from the table and heading to the kitchen.

"What?" Rafael whispered to Steve when Lucia left the room. "You're looking at me funny."

"You're not hungry?"

Rafael shook his head and leaned back in his chair and gazed past Steve. "Mami, do you need some help?" He pushed out his chair and headed to the kitchen. "Why don't you sit down?" he said to Lucia. "I'll get a start on the dishes."

"No, you go and keep Steve company," Lucia insisted as she ushered him out of the kitchen.

Rafael made his way to the living room and sat next to Steve. "So," he whispered. "Now you've seen where I grew up."

"This has to be you," Steve said, pointing to a silver-framed picture of a little boy with dark hair and huge green eyes.

"Umm, yeah."

"You know, I've never seen a picture of you as a kid." Steve reached to the end table for the picture and examined it in front of him. "How old were you here?"

"I have no idea."

"Hmm…" Steve examined the picture, stood up and headed to the kitchen where Lucia was putting leftovers into the fridge.

"How old was Rafael here?" Steve asked, pointing to the picture.

"He was seven."

Steve returned to the living room and sat beside Rafael. "Your mom says you were seven. Wow. So tiny. You look younger than that, don't you think?"

Rafael shrugged and wished he could rip the picture out of Steve's hands. "I guess," Rafael said, shrugging again and hoping that Steve would lose interest in the old photograph.

"Then again, what would I know? I was a huge kid. Always the tallest in my class. Sometimes that wasn't so great you know? People expected more of me because they thought I was older." Steve held the picture close and smiled. "Anyway, you sure were a cute kid," he said, passing the picture to Rafael.

"Yeah, cute," Rafael muttered. Without even looking at the picture, he took it from Steve and placed it haphazardly on the end table.

"Very cute," Steve said. He leaned over and gave Rafael a quick kiss on his cheek.

"Rafi was always small," Lucia said. She walked from the kitchen to the living room and pulled out a photo album from the drawer of the china cabinet. "He didn't catch up to the other kids until he was in junior high. I've got leftovers for both of you, don't forget to take them home with you."

"Mami, no one wants to look at pictures." Rafael rolled his eyes and looked to Steve for help out of the situation.

"Maybe Steve would like to?" Lucia asked. She motioned for Rafael to move over and sat down beside him. "Steve, you'd like to see some pictures of Rafi wouldn't you?"

"Sure, of course I would."

"Mami, he doesn't really. He's just being polite."

"No, no. It's ok," Steve said. "I don't mind."

Rafael shook his head as Lucia plunked the photo album on his lap and opened the cover. "Really, Steve, this is not that exciting."

"Nonsense," Lucia said and pointed to the first picture.

"Relax, Rafael." Steve smiled and squeezed Rafael's knee. "Really, I'd love to look at them."

Rafael looked at Steve sideways and glared. The last thing he wanted to do was sit and reminisce about his miserable childhood. Sandwiched between his mother and Steve, Rafael fumed and grew more irritated with each passing moment. Although his mother's insensitivity to his feelings didn't surprise him, if there one thing that Rafael wished for, it would be that his mother would acknowledge the pain he carried and validate his feelings. Why didn't she understand how hard it was for him growing up? How could she sit and point out pictures of a sad and lonely child and smile at them?

"Do you remember this one, Rafi? I think you were about four there."

"No."

"Rafi, you must remember this. Abuelita's birthday?"

"Not really." Rafael's heart pounded as his mother pointed out and told the story behind each picture in the album. Certain pictures bothered him more than others; they served as reminders of not just the moment frozen in time, but of the days and events leading up to and after the captured memory. His mother's hand hovered over a picture of a six year old Rafael at a Christmas concert. He had suffered a particularly bad punishment from his father the day after that photograph was taken; he had asked for too much on his Christmas wish list. Rafael lifted his head and stared at the wall and refused to let his eyes drift down to the photographs that dredged up misery instead of fond memories.

"Rafi, your school Christmas concert. Do you remember that outfit?" Lucia asked with a laugh.

"No." One painful memory after another had been presented before him and Rafael felt as though he were about to be sick to his stomach. His heart began to thud and he fought off a wave of nausea as he sat staring ahead while Lucia and Steve talked, their voices sounding far-off and echoed. His eyes narrowed and fixed on the wall straight ahead as he struggled to supress his temper, rising in him along with his queasiness, and resisted the temptation to scream and throw the album across the room.

"You didn't even look," Lucia said.

Rafael squirmed and passed the photo album to Steve and stood up. "You two have fun," he said and walked out of the living room. Glancing back at the couch, Rafael could tell that his mother and Steve were ignorant of the fact that he was seething. The fact that neither could see his distress filled him with doubt and he wondered about the validity of his emotions. He walked into the kitchen and poured himself a glass of water and drank it slowly, hoping to calm his nerves and his stomach.

He wandered into his old bedroom and plunked himself down on the bed. Why now is his mother deciding to bond with Steve? It was one of the things that Rafael had wanted, and now that it was happening, it angered him. They're in there bonding over photographs of an abused child, Rafael thought as he curled up.

Beads of sweat darkened his hairline as he lay in his childhood bedroom, tormented by conflict. He was furious with Steve for not realizing the pain that those old photographs would cause, yet, he also knew that Steve was not intentionally hurting him. Rafael took a few deep breaths and wiped the sweat from his forehead. He closed his eyes and squeezed his hands into fists until his nails dug into his palms as he tried to shake off the unsettled feelings in him.

With a groan he rolled off the bed, intending to head back to the living room, but instead stopping in front of the closet. He opened the door and stood, mesmerized, before he pushed some of his mother's old dresses and coats aside. Rafael frowned, remembering how he would sometimes hide there when his father would begin to scream and yell. Visions of his father, stumbling around in a drunken rage came to him as he and stepped inside and leaned against the wall.

Through the paper-thin walls, he heard his mother's and Steve's voices still discussing the old pictures. He collapsed his hands to his ears and closed his eyes, certain that he must be losing his mind. It had been decades since he had stood in that spot, but something inexplicable inside of him drove him to do so.

He slid down the wall and huddled on the floor remembering how he would bring a flashlight and his stuffed bear with him for comfort. A tear rolled down his cheek as memories of clutching his teddy-bear in front of him and stroking its head and whispering to it that everything would be alright came back to him. It all seemed like it was a lifetime ago, yet he remembered it all clearly. When the hinges on the bedroom door creaked, and his father's footsteps would come close, Rafael would put his finger to his lips and mouth "be quiet," as the bear would stare blankly back at him.

He remembered how he'd quickly flick off his little flashlight whenever he'd hear footsteps or a voice come close. No wonder I'm so high strung, he thought. His mind never relaxed as a child, and it didn't often now either.

Rafael wrapped his arms around his knees and remembered how in the midst of a screaming match with his father, his mother had found him in his hiding spot. She had opened the closet door to put away some laundry, quickly ruffled his hair and closed the door. Later, after his father had passed out, she came back and picked him up off the floor. He shook his head and whined as he reached out and clung to the door jamb. "It's ok. Papi went to bed," she had reassured him as she passed him his bear and carried him to bed. She didn't even reprimand him for sucking his thumb as she sat beside him and stroked his forehead until he fell asleep.

Rafael opened his eyes and stood up, pushed past the clothes, and opened the door. His mind wandered back to his stuffed toy had been with him through many scary times. The last time he saw the stuffed toy it was in his mother's storage locker in the basement of the building. He turned and walked out of the room "I'll be right back," he announced as he reached for his mother's keys hanging on the hook.

"Where are you going?" Lucia asked, looking up from the photo album.

"Just to look for something in your locker," he said without looking back or waiting to hear either his mother's or Steve's response. As he hurried down the hall he felt a little guilty for abandoning Steve but Rafael was still angry. He decided that if Steve wants to sit and look at pictures of a thoroughly miserable child, let him.

Rafael stomped down the stairs to the basement. He flung the laundry room door open, flicked on the lights, and walked to the bank of lockers, stacked against the back wall.

The door of his mother's locker creaked open to reveal a Christmas tree, boxes of seasonal decorations, and containers of various shapes and sizes. He pulled out several plastic boxes, opening each and replacing lids until he found the box which held remnants of his childhood. He opened the container and set aside the lid, and there it was, his cherished toy. Its brown fur now lying flat in spots, some of the stuffing poked out through a small tear on the leg, but otherwise, it was in good condition considering its age.

Rafael put the other storage boxes back in the locker and crouched down and held the bear in front of him. He stroked its plush head, thinking about how many hours he spent clutching it to him, and telling it all of his fears and secrets. Sometimes, he pretended that the bear would reassure him that everything would be ok. Surely a sign of a seriously disturbed child, he thought as he held it on his lap.

A sudden burst of anger surged in him and boiled over. Rafael held the bear in his hand and pounded it against the floor, uncontrollably, over and over until he became short of breath. When his fit of rage subsided, he clutched it to his chest until his breath and heart rate returned to normal. He sat back on his knees, staring at the bear on his lap, and wondered if he should bring the bear home with him and try to restore it, or to toss it into the river and rid himself of it, and the frightened, pathetic child it now symbolized.

"Hey."

Rafael's heart slammed against his rib cage and he jumped up, gasped in shock, and dropped the stuffed animal to the floor. "Fuck!"

"Sorry. Didn't mean to scare you," Steve said.

"You shouldn't sneak up on people. I nearly had a heart attack."

"I'm sorry." Steve walked over and bent down to pick up the toy. "Found what you were looking for?" he asked, sounding amused, as he handed the bear to Rafael.

"Umm…yeah."

"Are you ok?" Steve asked, reaching out and touching Rafael's shoulder.

"Yeah. Fine," Rafael said. Standing between the locker and Steve, Rafael was suddenly ten years old again and trapped with no way to escape. He stepped away and backed into the locker door. His fist gripped the bear's leg and eyed the chest of a man twice his size, wondering how much trouble he was in this time.

"What?" Steve asked, his smile fading as he tilted his head.

Rafael's eyes widened and his heart pounded in his ears. He let out a low sound and a shiver as he blinked in shock. His father was gone, and Steve was standing there, smiling at him with a puzzled look on his face. "Nothing." Rafael licked his lips and forced himself to smile.

"Are you ready to go?" Steve finally asked. "Your mom is having some friends over for coffee or something."

"Yeah," Rafael said. With his hands shaking, he shoved the bear into the box and snapped on the plastic lid, feeling guilty as he looked at its face squashed against the plastic container. Frowning as if he were betraying an old friend, he looked away from its face as he slid the box back into the locker. "Let's go," he said, flinching when Steve put his hand on his shoulder.

"What's wrong?" Steve asked, moving his hand away and studying Rafael's face.

"Nothing… Just jumpy I guess," Rafael said as he hurried down the hall to the stairs.

Steve frowned but didn't say anything as he followed Rafael up the stairs back to Lucia's apartment, barely able to keep up with the furious pace that Rafael set. "Hey, don't forget, I'm an old man," Steve said nearly breathless, as Rafael flew up the stairs ahead of him. He smiled as Rafael turned around and waited for him to catch up. "In a rush?" Steve asked.

"I just want to get home."

"Are you alright?" Steve asked when he reached Rafael.

"I'm tired. Actually, exhausted. I need sleep. You don't mind if we go straight home?"

"Of course not."

They walked the last flight of stairs together in silence, and Steve began to worry that something other than exhaustion was bothering Rafael. He had no idea what could be wrong, and Steve searched his memory for something that either he or Lucia could have said to upset him. He knew that Rafael had been concerned that his mother would say something negative about their relationship, but she hadn't. In fact, it seemed like she had gone out of her way to be polite. Steve followed Rafael into the apartment and watched as he rushed through his goodbyes to his mother. He certainly was in a hurry to get out of there, but maybe it was as he had said and he was just tired.

"Thanks for supper," Rafael said as he slipped on his jacket.

Lucia leaned in to give her son a hug. "Don't forget the leftovers," she said, handing a bag to Rafael. "It was nice to see you again, Steve."

"Yes, nice to see you again too. And thank you for supper and for the leftovers."

Rafael opened the door and stepped out into the hall, the goodbyes were taking too long, and he wanted to get home.

"I know you're tired, but is something wrong?" Steve asked as they walked out of the building onto the sidewalk.

"No."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah," Rafael said, as he folded his arms in front of him.

"Cold?"

"A little. Can you drive?" Rafael asked, tossing his car keys to Steve, and keeping his pace when Steve had to stop and pick them up from the snow covered sidewalk.

"Ok." Steve jogged a few steps to catch up with him. "Are you sure you're ok?"

"Just tired." He opened the car door and sat down, put his seatbelt on, and leaned his head against the window.

Steve sat down in the driver's seat and buckled up. "It's been a long week," he admitted. "Especially for you."

"Yeah." Rafael sighed and put his head against the window, staring out at the snow that had begun to fall. He was still angry and felt like lashing out, but decided to keep his emotions and irrational thoughts that confused and polluted his mind to himself. As upset as he was, the last thing he wanted was to burden Steve with his crazy memories and fears.

"Your mom sure is a good cook. That pork was delicious. Maybe you could teach me how to make it one day?" Steve glanced over at Rafael and saw that his eyes were closed. He doubted that Rafael was sleeping but he turned up the heat and stopped trying to make conversation.

* * *

"I'm just going to lie down and read for a while," Rafael said, hanging up his jacket when they arrived home.

"Ok... Do you want anything? Hot chocolate? Anything?"

"No." Rafael brushed past Steve and left him standing in the front hall.

Steve watched Rafael walk down the hall and disappear to in the bedroom. Something was most definitely wrong. He thought of going after him, but decided to give Rafael some space for now. Steve stretched out on the couch and flipped through a magazine but his mind was preoccupied with worry. He wasn't lying there for long when he had the feeling that someone was watching him. He lowered the magazine to see Rafael standing in the hallway.

"I'm going for a walk," Rafael announced, as he opened the closet and pulled out his jacket.

"Now? It's cold out there."

"I know," Rafael said, holding his wool hat out in front of him before he pulled it on his head. He wrapped a scarf around his neck and bent down to put on his boots.

"Maybe that's a good idea, burn off some calories. Do you mind if I come with?"

Rafael stood and shrugged his shoulders. He knew that Steve would on coming with him, which angered Rafael further. Although he hated being treated as if he were a child, he didn't have the energy to argue with him. "I guess not," he said, pulling his gloves out of his pocket. He leaned against the wall and watched as Steve slipped his jacket and boots on.

"Alright. Let's go," Steve said.

Rafael stood on the other side of the elevator and pressed the 'G' button repeatedly, and glanced over at Steve. The elevator doors opened and the two crossed the lobby and stepped out into the street in silence.

As they walked through the snow towards the park, Steve looked nervously over at Rafael, his head lowered, and his arms folded tightly across his chest.

"Are you warm enough?" Steve asked.

"Yeah."

"Your mom was good tonight, don't you think? I mean, she didn't say anything bad about you and me. She was going out her way to be nice to me I think."

"I guess," Rafael said with a shrug.

"Rafael?" Steve asked when they reached the park. "I'm worried about you."

"Why?" Rafael asked. He stopped walking and kicked at the snow around his feet.

"It just seems like somethings wrong."

"What?" Rafael stopped kicking the ground and looked up at Steve.

"It's just that you seem so sad," he said, reaching out and touching Rafael's red cheek. He smiled sadly at the sight of Rafael's sad eyes looking back at him. "I'm worried. You're obviously upset right now, something happened tonight, and I don't know what, and you won't tell me."

"I'm fine."

"Rafael…if you're upset about something, or if you're upset with me, you need to tell me."

"I said, I'm fine."

"I know you're not."

"What are you so worried about?"

"I don't know. Maybe I'm worried that something happened and you're not telling me? Is everything at work is ok? I know how stressful your job is. Sometimes I worry about some of the scum that you put away. Have you had any threats or anything?"

"Nothing's happened. Work is fine, and no, no threats."

"Did Ken contact you?"

"No."

"So then what's wrong? Are you mad at me?"

Rafael sighed and turned away. He quickly wiped away a tear of frustration, hoping Steve didn't notice that he was on the verge of tears.

"Ok," Steve said slowly. "I'll take that as a yes. I'm sorry you're upset. I don't know what I did, but I'm sorry."

"That doesn't make any sense," Rafael said, turning back to Steve.

"Tell me why you're upset."

"So, you don't even know? I have to tell you?"

"Yeah, you do."

Rafael trembled with the anger he could no longer contain. "Why did you do that?" he screamed.

"Do what? I don't know what I did," Steve said, his deep voice booming in frustration. He reached out and put his hands on Rafael's shoulders and lowered his voice. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have yelled…I'm so sorry if I did something to upset you, but you have to fill me in. Please."

"Why would you look at those pictures?" Rafael said, his voice sounding like it was about to break. He tried to twist out of Steve's hug. "Let go of me. Please? Just let go."

"What? The photo album?" Steve asked, dropping his arms to his side.

"Yeah. I've spent my whole life trying to forget that all of that. All I've ever done is try to put it all behind me, and then you had to go and bring it all back. I didn't want you to see either…You probably think that's stupid."

"No, I don't think that's stupid. I didn't know. Really, Rafael. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. I'm sorry…Please? Don't be angry with me. I'm sorry."

"I wanted to forget about it. To put it all behind me. Now, I can't."

"I didn't realize that." He gently reached out to brush the freshly fallen snow from Rafael's shoulders and took his hand. "Rafael…"

"Don't!" Rafael jerked his hand away from Steve, turned on his heel, and walked away. He turned his head back to see Steve, standing with the snow falling around him, his arm still extended, his mouth open in shock. "I just need to be alone for a while," Rafael said, his voice softening when he saw the hurt look on Steve's face.

"Don't leave," Steve pleaded. "Where are you going?" he asked, his breath forming into fog in the cold evening air. "Are you coming back here? I'll wait here if you want?" He took a few steps in Rafael's direction and threw his arms in the air. "Wait," he called, hesitating a moment before walking after him again.

Rafael stopped in mid-step and turned around slowly, his chest and shoulders rising with each breath he took. He tilted his head back and looked up at the stars.

"I know you want to be alone," Steve began. "But, it's cold out here. Let's go home, I'll give you whatever space you need. I can't just leave you here…What is it?" he asked, following Rafael's gaze with his eyes and looking up to the sky. "What are you looking at?" Confused, Steve looked at Rafael and then back up at the sky. "Hey, Rafael?"

"Steve."

"Hey, you kind of spaced out there. Are you ok?" Steve asked, caught off guard when Rafael flung his arms around him. Cautiously, he wrapped his arms around Rafael and rubbed his back.

"The police came," Rafael whispered, pressing the side of his face against Steve's chest.

"What? When? You mean after what happened with Ken?"

"No. I was little."

"What happened?"

"I don't know. Someone called them I guess."

"What did they want?"

"They talked to my dad and me. I told them I fell off the swings. Then they left."

Steve held Rafael close and massaged the back of his neck between his finger and thumb. "Let's go home, it's getting cold."

"Yeah…I'm cold."

Steve looked down at Rafael trudging through the snow beside him and lifted his arm to put it around his shoulders but dropped it back to his side. Rafael looked shaken up and Steve didn't know how to help him. He would have to find a gentle way to suggest counselling to Rafael, but that would have to be another time.

When they got home Steve hung Rafael's jacket in the closet next to his. "Rafael. I'm so sorry if I hurt your feelings by looking at the photo album. I really didn't know it would upset you…"

Rafael shrugged. "Don't be," he said shakily, giving Steve a hug. "It's my crazy issue."

"Don't say that. Your feelings are valid, not crazy. Take a deep breath," he instructed. He closed his eyes as he felt Rafael lean into him, so that he was nearly carrying his weight against him, and smoothed out the rumpled material of Rafael's shirt as he felt his chest rise against his.

"I suddenly just remembered the police coming over. They were all talking and I just sat there. Then one of them lifted up my shirt, and that's when I lied to them. I don't know why I made such a big deal over it. I'm sorry, Steve."

"Rafael…" Steve said. "I told you, don't be sorry. It's not your fault." He reached out and cupped Rafael's face in his palms.

"I can't…I can't talk about it anymore."

"Ok, that's ok."

"Do you have to work tomorrow?"

"I might," he said, tightening his arms around Rafael. "I hope not. I want to spend the day with you."

"Yeah, that'd be nice."

"Yeah, it sure would," Steve said, rubbing Rafael's back. "You know what? I'm not going in." He let go of Rafael and reached for his phone on the counter. "I'm taking a personal day. Actually, two. I want to spend every second of the weekend with you."

"Really?"

"Yup. And as soon as I make the call, I'm turning off my phone."

"Don't get into trouble."

"Rafael, it's been nearly a year since I took any vacation or personal days. They owe me. And besides, I'd much rather spend time with you," he said, wrapping his free arm back around Rafael as he dialed his phone.

"I'm going to get changed," Rafael said, leaving Steve to make his phone call.

"Done," Steve said when Rafael returned. He placed the phone back on the counter. "They weren't thrilled on such short notice, but I don't care. Do you want a snack or something? I could make some popcorn or heat up some of those leftovers."

Rafael shook his head. "I'm ok. But if you want something…"

"I'll be right back. You go get comfortable."

"How about some yogurt?" Steve asked after he changed into a pair of old sweatpants and t-shirt. "There's some of the Greek stuff you like here." He stood with the fridge door open and looked over at Rafael.

Steve wandered over to the couch and sat next to Rafael. He pulled the lid off of the yogurt container and offered a taste to Rafael. "No thanks."

"Just a taste. This is the stuff I bought for you."

Rafael smiled at Steve's persistence. "Ok." He opened his mouth while Steve fed him a small spoonful. "It is good."

"More?"

Rafael shook his head and leaned into Steve's shoulder. He shut his eyes and smiled when Steve put his arm around him. "Steve? I feel all shaky. Can you just hold me for a while?"

"Of course I can. For as long as you want." Steve reached for the pillow and tucked it between his lap and the end of the couch. He smiled sadly as Rafael swung his legs up and lay down on his back, and propped himself up between the pillow and Steve's lap. "Take a few deep breaths, ok? Try to relax."

Rafael nodded and turned onto his side facing Steve. He reached out and held Steve's shoulder as he took some deep breaths and closed his eyes. He lay quietly and snuggled close when Steve stroked his hair. "My dad was so mad at me after the police left," Rafael said after a few minutes.

"Mad at you?"

"Mmmhmm."

"Why would he be mad at you?" Steve asked, pulling the blanket from the back of the couch to cover him.

"I don't know…Well, it seemed like he was always mad at me, so nothing too out of the ordinary I guess."

"I just can't imagine."

"After they left…"

Steve felt Rafael stiffen in his lap. He rubbed his shoulder gently and gave him a few moments to finish what he was about to say.

"After they left, he started hitting me again. He made me pull down my pants and he hit me with his belt, so hard, I fell over. He kept telling me to stop crying and he asked me if I called the police."

Steve gathered Rafael in his arms and held his head against his chest. "Oh, Rafael…"

"He told me that he was going to call the police to come back, and that they'd take me away. He said that they'd put me in one of those homes for bad kids, and that I'd never see my mom or my grandmother ever again. He said everyone would be glad I was gone."

"My poor baby." Steve shook his head in disbelief. He wiped away tear and looked down into Rafael's eyes, red with tears that threatened to spill over.

"I thought I'd never see my family again. He just kept yelling that no one loved me anyway, and that it would be better if I wasn't around. He was spanking me and he wouldn't stop shaking my arm. Finally, he just put me in bed and left," Rafael said, his voice so barely audible that Steve had to hold him close and lean down to hear him. "I went to hide in my closet until Mami came home from work. She found me there and put me to bed. I was so scared, I grabbed onto the door and didn't let go. When you and my mom were looking at the pictures, I sat in that spot and remembered it all, like it was yesterday."

"You went and hid in your closet?" Steve's heart melted and he brushed away a tear when Rafael sighed and leaned his head against him. "You must have so scared. My poor baby," he whispered, as he kissed and stroked Rafael's forehead. He gently wiped each away each tear that slid slowly down Rafael's cheeks.

"I'm sorry," Rafael said, brushing his eyes with the back of his hand. "You must be so tired of hearing this by now," he said, holding his hand over his eyes before reaching out to touch Steve's cheek.

"Don't be sorry. I don't know how you handle it all… I don't even know what to say to you. I wish there was something I could say or do to make it all better."

"Steve, I really believed him, you know that? I thought I'd be all alone at one of those places for bad kids. God knows what would have happened to me at a place like that. Probably would have been worse than home, you know? I don't think I would have survived in one of those places. Believe it or not, I wasn't a tough kid. I didn't get mouthy until I was a bit older. I was so sensitive. I think that's part of the reason why my dad hated me."

Steve sighed and rubbed Rafael's back. "It's not your fault that your father didn't appreciate his sweet, sensitive son."

"I hear his voice in my head."

"You poor thing, you must be exhausted."

"Yeah. Some of it's coming back, especially lately. Things I haven't thought of in years. Other stuff I didn't even remember happening. Like tonight, I didn't remember the police coming until we were at the park. I don't know why that is," Rafael said, his voice breaking as he reached up and caressed Steve's forehead. "Do you?"

"No. But, I'll be here to help you figure it all out, ok? I promise."

Rafael nodded his appreciation and closed his eyes, content in Steve's arms. "You sure do put up with a lot from me. Sometimes, I wonder how you do it."

"I love you. I don't think I'm putting up with anything…don't think of it that way. I'm helping you deal with some issues, and I'm here to listen and to do anything I can to help you, ok? I've got an idea. Now, it's up to you of course, but maybe if you're feeling up to it, we could go away tomorrow, just for the night. Maybe one of those little cabin rentals. You know, the kind with a fireplace and a hot tub? What do you think of that?"

"I think that maybe that's just what I need."


End file.
